A common relationship mistake and a big, big NO NO is pouring your heart out on text

Have you ever gotten physical with a man early on in a relationship either because you were friends first and it just happened, or because you just met and had amazing chemistry right off the bat with this person?  One of the biggest reasons that women begin a text message obsession is that they get involved too quickly with a man.  They don’t question what the relationship is and just go with it, thinking they could handle a fun and spontaneous connection.  When their feelings for him creep up on them soon after, they freak out about status.

Getting involved too quickly

Let’s say things got carried away with a friend or date and you get intimate.  Everything might be going fine with your guy prior to this but the more you think about him, the more you realize that you really have feelings for him.  So, you start pouring your heart out to him on text message telling him how much you care.  This in turn freaks the man out because all of a sudden he is getting an emotional gushing from you and wondering what he’s done since you hooked up.  To him, you’ve morphed from cool girl to crazy girl.

Is this what I get for hooking up with her?
Oh my god she texted me 69 times.
She’s crazy.

He most likely knows that you have feelings for him otherwise why would you have been intimate?  Men aren’t stupid.  But suddenly you become scary because you are putting all this emotional “emo” stuff in text message and looking more insane by your behavior than anything else.  The more fearful you get the more you let your emotions get out of control.  The negative cycle feeds on itself because he will more than likely react negatively to such outpourings.

Friends with benefits

If you’ve used getting physical with him as a way to start a potential relationship with him, then disclose your feelings after the fact by freaking out over it, it’s a big no no.  Women tend to try and weasel their way in with men through getting physical and pretending they are OK with a casual liaison.  But deep down they want more.  They want a boyfriend.  So after they have started things on a purely physical level they do an about face or go into a wiffle waffle.  They start flipping from being cool with a casual connection to wanting more of a solid commitment with him, making it look like they have a split personality.

The problem is that men don’t operate that way.  The fact that you started up a physical thing with him does not mean he is obligated to start a relationship with you.   You might think he should be in a relationship with you because you got physical but he likely doesn’t.  In fact, if you start a relationship as a purely physical connection then it is not very likely he will even want to pursue a relationship with you.  It is very likely that he will view you as a casual sex partner or a friends with benefits.  Once a man categorizes you as casual or friends with benefits it’s a near impossible mission to work your way up the totem pole to girlfriend.

It’s exactly when women realize they want something more than casual that women will start to come emotionally unglued and text.  Deep down they won’t really be happy with a casual relationship so they will struggle with it.  Eventually, it will bubble out and they’ll emotionally unload on the man.  It’s understandable that you have feelings for him yet if you unload them too early on, too intensely, or in a negative context such as text message ranting, it will instantly kill the relationship.  He’ll think you are crazy when one minute you were fine with things and the next day he’s getting fifty messages saying you’re not.

Have better boundaries

The best way to behave is to have better boundaries from the outset.  If you have a list of must haves with a man then don’t get involved unless it is met.  The minute you get involved your emotions get involved so it is easier to draw your boundaries at the get go.  If you do that, you’ll weed out the cads and even if you get a cad he’s going to treat you better.  Why?  Because he knows you won’t put up with nonsense so he won’t have a chance to learn he can use you.

Grow a back bone

Chances are if you are reading this website, the horse has long since left the gate.  He’s already not committed and you’re already texting in frustration.  So what can you do?  You know you have a casual status with him and being slotted as such you know it is an uphill battle you’re in but you still like him.  So, what should you do?  There is only one thing to try and that is to change yourself.

Let him know in one succinct sentence that you’ve put up with some thing you shouldn’t and let yourself and him both down.  That you wish you had better boundaries and were more solid as to what you wanted at the get go.  That you want to change.  Then, stop acting emotional and crazy with the text messages.  Start acting solid and consistent.  Reject completely poor behavior from him even if you were accepting it before. 

If you were in a casual rut with him, you are going to have to implement this change permanently and for months before he’ll believe you are for real.  If you’ve ever texted this man a 69 text tirade, he won’t soon forget it.  It might may take you 69 weeks of no text tirades for him to really believe you are done with that nonsense behavior.  Send him one text and if he doesn’t want to respond go your own way for a couple of weeks instead.  If he texts you, call him back.  What, he doesn’t want to talk?  Then you won’t talk.  Remember, you aren’t being mean to him and you shouldn’t be.  You are merely changing the way you are acting and responding.

Was he texting you for a date before instead of a phone call?  Let him know you want to try it so that you talk on the phone because texting encourages bad behavior from you.  If you pose it all as something you’ve allowed and want to change yourself, he won’t take it as personal rejection.  Just start trying to implement standards for yourself.  He might go away for a while but if he likes you he’ll be back.  If you take responsibility for yourself and realize that it’s partially your fault for allowing things to happen that don’t sit well with the real you, he won’t feel like he is under attack. 

Grow up, take responsibility for having loose boundaries, work on your own self control.  That means no ups and downs, no letting his flakey antics drive you nuts, no getting into the mud and name calling with him just because he says something mean.  If you take control of your own behavior and it’s obvious to him that you are trying to change and doing a relatively good job of it with no intention of turning back, he will take heed.  Once he sees this behavior coming out of you consistently for at least a few months, he may take you more seriously and start treating you better. 

If you are in a casual relationship hole with a man and can’t let him go then the best chance is to stop blaming yourself. Stop blaming him. Start to change your self and the way you act.  Hopefully he takes notes and he follows suit.  In a demented way he will like it.  All of a sudden you’ll become a challenge to him again.  The more you control yourself indepentently of him, the more he’ll stay attracted to you through the change.


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