You might wonder why someone who has so much going for herself is still single, and if not single, still getting used and abused by men who want nothing more than text’n sex. Well, there are a few reasons and not all of them are negative. Read up for a few reasons why you might be still single and see what you can do about it.
The problem: You’re single because you’ve given up on looking
So many ladies are single because they have simply given up on actively looking out for potential dates and boyfriends. This is usually because they feel like they wind up empty-handed anyways so they just stop trying. Why? Because trying puts you into the no mans land of putting yourself out there and putting yourself up on the block for disappointments too.
The sheer discomfort of awkward dates, internet dates, setup dates, and feeling like you are just another date to some guy on a hookup dating site, can overwhelm. It can sour you on relations and then that sour-ness leads to being unable to be happy and alluring enough to attract men. Not only is there awkwardness of dates, there is the whole insecurity aspect of it, and being unwilling to date and obsess over why somebody did or didn’t like you are call you up for a second date or not.
The solution: If you aren’t actively dating, be active period.
If being burnt out on dating is the problem, there are other solutions. Maybe you can take a break from hardcore dating, but you should definitely fill up that time getting out and about. If you do the things you love and make sure to get out in the day and get around people, you can also meet potential dates and boyfriends that way. Any time you check out of the dating scene, just be sure you don’t check out of life completely. If you aren’t dating online you should be putting that much more effort into getting out and being social, as an alternative way to meet people than traditional dates. Join groups, activities, exercise classes, and other clubs that will get you out and about and keep your horizons open. To do this, you have to get out of your house.
The problem: Fear of pain
If you’ve been burned before, the fear of new pain can really make dating an aversion not a pleasure. This is especially true of women who have been used and abused by men. If you’ve been through a text-only relationship, booty-call, hookup, friends-with-benefits, buddy relationship, or any other substandard relationship then you’ve really been put through hell.
It’s terrifying to think that someone you like will turn out to be a liar, dishonest, a player, or just a dishonest person who lies about where they live, what they are about, and who they are in general. The landing is never as smooth as the fairy tale depicts it. It’s just plain scary to think that a promising relationship may turn into a total nightmare of his doing a poof or fading out claiming busy while slapping a new internet dating profile up right under your nose.
The solution: You won’t know unless you try, but go slow
The solution to the pain and the fear of getting hurt is to take it slow when getting to know someone, especially if you have met them online. Online is on steroids. Anyone you meet on there is likely chatting with, meeting up with, seeing, dating, and even sleeping with, several people. Therefore be very careful in getting to know them extremely well. If you do this, you can avoid much of the pain that is felt by women when for example, they sleep with someone and it fizzles and the guy never even gets off the Internet dating web sites for them. Now that, is pain.
If you don’t think you can handle all the rejection and pain, the solution isn’t always to shut yourself out and decide you are better off numb and single, than in pain and dating. The solution is more likely to be, that you just have to still put yourself out there a bit, just take more time and be more cautious before giving any of your precious goods to people. Work on your boundaries and don’t get intimate with anyone until you are pretty sure they are interested in pursuing something with you more than pursuing the next box to click on the Internet.
One tip is to realize the men are generally on their best behavior when getting to know you and hopefully getting you into bed. This isn’t necessarily the real him though. The real him, comes after he gets what he wants and when he actually looks at you as either dating material or not. The longer you force someone to get to know you pretty well, the more likely you are to week out the men who really aren’t interested in anything other than hooking up with you.
Weeding out the men who don’t view you or percieve you to be relationship material is good because that turns out to be a good-looking guy who you never got intimate with, as opposed to a good-looking guy who had his way with you then left you for broke. Sometimes you have to date some real lost causes and get hurt, so that you know how to week the new lost causes that come along, out.
The problem: hopeless romantic
One problem for women is that they are the hopeless romantic and they want the gorgeous bachelor dude that ever other woman wants too. If you are incredibly picky about who you are going to get with, you may find yourself single longer. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is something that you have to realize just comes with the territory of being picky.
Women who are willing to relax their standards tend to have more dating options and more things to do. This is particularly true if they are not obsessed with a mans looks. On the other hand, women who lower their standards could find themselves dating men just so they have someone to date. They could even settle out of desperation and regret that they didn’t wait it out for true love later on.
The solution: Be realistic
The solution is to simply be realistic about who you might be able to get or not to get. If you are dating a guy that is out of your league and dating several other women too, the likelihood of his getting serious about you lowers exponentially. Also, what appears by your standards to be a great guy, is not a great guy if he is not interested in you.
Some women bang their heads against the wall trying to get a guy that is a great guy (but only willing to sleep with her not commit to her because he has other options that are better than her) to be a boyfriend when he simply doesn’t want to. Being realistic means realizing when you are banging your head against a wall and leaving rather than staying and banging you head.
Men may call casual relationships banging, but women should call them banging your head against a wall. The key is to realize when a guy just isn’t interested in having a real relationships with you, and leaving one that realization is made. Part of being realistic is to realize when you are being used, treated as only an option, or booty called and opting out.
You’ve got a situation where a guy doesn’t like you enough, and you need to stop wasting time. Then you’ve got a situation where a guy likes you too much, and you’re liking him for lack of a better thing to do, but really need to realize that you aren’t interested in him enough for a lifetime. Weeding out both types of people (one type being they’re not interested enough in you and the other type being you’re not interested enough in them) will help you zero in on the right guy with the right balance when he does come along. You want to be ready and able to handle a relationship with the right person materializes, and he will materialize for you.
The problem: Banging your head against the wall going nowhere
Balancing and being able to see when a guy is not interested, or too interested, is being realistic. Some women gain this realism by dating many, many guys until they meet the one. The advantage of this is that they get experience dating (not sleeping with) many different men. While this may seem like a waste of time, it could pay off. The payoff is that she has some experience under her belt and so when she sees a guy with real relationship potential come along, she treats him with the care and interest level that she should. She’s dated enough to see a good prospect clearly when he comes along and so she can give that relationship her all.
The more dating experience you have, the more you can suss out the winners from the losers. If you aren’t the type of woman who can endure an endless merry-go-round of dates, you can approximate dating simply by getting to know a lot of people through your normal course of life. Get out and about so that you don’t have that air of desperation to you when a good guy comes along. Some women blow it with a good guy because they become so intrigued with the first decent guy that shows up in a long time, it becomes her obsession and ultimately turns him off.
If you can’t get a good perspective by dating lots of different people, at least get a good perspective by knowing lots of people, and leading a fulfilled and active life. The more active you are in dating, and alternatively in life in general, the less desperate and needy you will be. Being happy on your own helps because when that perfect guy does come around, you will have the social skills to treat him with care and not act too needy or obsessed.
The solution: Making yourself more marketable
The more content you are in your own skin, the more you will attract men. You should always be striving to improve you looks, improve your fashion, improve your overall offering in so far as your personality, the friends and family you bring to the table, and the social life you have to offer somebody. Make sure you have plenty going for yourself because that makes yourself more marketable and more valuable to men. Striving to improve yourself and continue to move forward is key. Work on your flaws and continue to reinvent yourself.
Date different people and if you are bad at duty-dating then just make sure that you have an active schedule and full lifestyle with many interests. This will cut down on a desperate aura. Having solid boundaries will really help you ward off men who are only interested in you for one thing. You’ll waste less time and get over them quicker. You don’t want to settle because you’ll always be thinking would a, should a, could a, but at the same time you don’t want to set your expectations so high that you will always be setting yourself up for disappointment.
If for example, you are in your fifties then your odds of snagging the most gorgeous guy out there who is in his forties and actively dating, could be rather low. It’s not to say it can’t happen since after all, lightning can strike, but you do want yourself to be realistic. A much younger guy might be willing to bed you but that says nothing about his willingness to pursue a serious relationship with you. Especially in the Internet age, if a man thinks he can do better, he will try to. Men generally have a much better idea of their market potential in the dating world than women do.
Instead of feeling bitter after a bad run with a man just feel smarter and know what to avoid. Lastly, take you time getting to know him before getting intimate. If you haven’t seem where he lives or hung out with any of his friends you probably should not intimate with him. Hopefully these tips will help you navigate the single territory a bit easier because it can be shark-infested waters if you aren’t careful. Here is the last and most important tip ever: if he is just texting you and doesn’t pick up the phone and call you as well, it’s probably a relationship you shouldn’t bother to spend time pursuing. Just remember that you are always just one person you haven’t met yet away from having a great boyfriend!