If there is one thing in common with the women who are writing in to me with relationship text messaging complaints and concerns, it is that they are getting less than what they really want from their boyfriend or romantic interest. Not surprisingly, women who are getting less than what they want are the exact same women who are complaining about his text message patterns. Everything from my boyfriend used to call me but now only texts me, to my boyfriend won’t initiate even text with me, to my boyfriend dumped me on text and won’t talk to me at all anymore. The simple conclusion one has to draw is that relationships that are happening primarily on text message are the exact relationships where the woman is not getting what she wants from him.
The horrible relationship or the barely texting, which came first?
Texting as it relates to relationships reminds me of the question of which came first, the chicken or the egg? In other words, are you barely getting texted because you are already in a dismal relationship, or have your bad texting habits actually helped lead you down into this dismal relationship? Is it the relationship’s fault, or is it the fact that you allowed text messaging to be a primary means of communication with this person? The answer is a little bit of both.
Text message habits between the two of you are a representation of how well your relationship is going. In fact, text message patterns between two people who are dating is an amazingly good indicator of where you stand with him. Horrible text message habits can definitely contribute to wrecking your relationship. For example, if you text him like a lunatic it will have a negative impact on the relationship. If he never initiates contact with you it is a clear indicator that he is not into you enough and that your relationship is lopsided. If text patterns are totally balanced and there is phone calls along with some ancillary text messaging bouncing back and forth between the two of you, then it’s a sign that everything is good.
If your relationship is getting downgraded or casual and uncommitted it is inevitably going to hit the text airwaves sooner or later. After all, texts are the most casual, convenient, noncommittal, and lowly form of communication that there is.
The man that barely contacts you
If you are going out with a man that barely contacts you and when he does its usually by text message then you are settling for less. If you are going out with a man that won’t be exclusive with you and is actively open to meeting and dating other women then you are settling for less. If you are texting a man and carrying on with him and he rarely even contacts you and responds then you are dropping at his feet and letting him have his cake and eat it to.
Women tend to rationalize that if they keep in touch with a man by constantly texting him while he goes off and does god knows what with his spare time, that they are keeping options open with him. The problem is that this tactic rarely if ever impels him want to be with you. It doesn’t work. If he wanted to be with you he would be but what is he off doing? Dating, having his cake, and eating it to. Don’t be a string along to this man. Why bother to still hang on and text him. If he flat out shows you that he can’t meet your expectations by being missing in action on text message why should you continue to contact him and text him?
It’s perfectly fine to offer to be just friends with him but if you want to be just friends with him let him be the one to initiate contact with you! Once you quit doing all the work for him and see how rarely he lifts his finger to contact you on his own free will you will probably be so annoyed that you will not even want him as a friend.
Break the pattern, walk away, and stop texting
Break the pattern. Walk away for good. See what he does for once. Accept that he might wander off and find someone better than you. At least you will be practicing self respect by removing yourself away from a man that wasn’t giving you what you want in the first place. If he surfaces on his own free will and contacts you after a few weeks do not just jump and take him back. Because the very first time you take him back without demanding changes, he will know that he can drop you like a rock and then successfully come back into you life when he wants some variety. What it does is enable him to set a pattern that he can blow hot and cold, blow you off for other activities, and show back up into your life when he feels like it. It is a really bad pattern so you have to do more than just stop texting and contacting him. You also have to create a barrier so that if he does contact you weeks later you don’t let him skate back in. Demand consistent behavior from him because that is the only way you will get it.
Don’t get back together with him unless he genuinely changes
If you stop contacting a man who is giving you crumbs, and he shows back up on your radar, be careful. Consider him a brand new date that has to respect you, contact you, and consistently act like he cares about you, before considering taking him back. Before getting physical with him make sure that this pattern is consistent, established, regular and ongoing. He should put in calls to you. If you text him every few days he should respond, and he should text you sometimes too. He should make plans with you and keep them. Do not slip up and let him act right only when he wants to see you then drop off the map for weeks on end. Remember that this is the man who was rarely in touch with you. He didn’t show interest in making plans with you. He kept you waiting around. He wasted your time. Don’t become his on again off again casual girlfriend while he continues to search for Ms Right because you‘ll be setting yourself up for heartbreak.
If he gave you less than what you wanted the odds are stacked against him. It is unlikely once he’s shown his cards to you that he will ever act completely right. Because men tend to slip back into the worst low of behavior that you allowed him previously to get away with. He would have to completely change and break his pattern for you to find real happiness with him. That means more than just lip service and being nice for a night in order to have intimate relations with you when he is free. It means consistent phone calls and establishing a steady and ongoing pattern of communication where he keeps in touch with you and acts like he cares.
If you are getting less than what you want from a guy make yourself unavailable. Stop contacting him. Stop doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. If he doesn’t show back up then consider yourself lucky because you just extricated yourself from a total time waster that was getting away with stringing you along. It was unlikely he would have suddenly become into you anyways. If he does show back up on your doorstop, don’t take him back because he smooth talks you and acts right for a night. Demand and expect changes in your communication patterns and a stepped up effort on his part if he ever expects to spend time with you again. Spend actual time with him far away from home and away from locations where you are intimate for that matter. If he won’t spend real time with you, don’t see him.
If he comes back around and doesn’t show a stepped up genuine effort to meet your concerns then walk away and don’t look back. You don’t have to be mean about it but you do have to protect yourself from becoming fallback girl to a man that is wasting your time while doing his own thing. You don’t need a man that can only bring himself to dribble out a text message to you every couple of weeks. After a long, long, long time when you truly don’t care about being in a relationship with him anymore you can consider being his friend. Don’t imagine potential in a relationship where its already been clearly demonstrated to you that there isn’t anything there but crumbs. Steer clear from a man like this or put him into the friend zone after you are well over him. If he really did like you he’ll step up his efforts once you really back off.