Men are often instrumental in creating obsessive girlfriends who constantly text them. Unfortunately, they usually don’t realize that they are contributing to creating their very own text stalker. This little dating story will resonate with women.
This is actually a true story that never involved myself. Someone I chatted with briefly online told me that this incident had happened to him. We were merely sharing some of our dating experiences with one other and this was what he called his “worst dating experience”.
Gorgeous guy posts profile on a dating web site. Let’s call him Jack. Jill responds to the dating add with a hello. Jack is interested and they exchange numbers and start to talk and text. They meet after some initial communication and sparks fly. So they quickly get romantically involved with one another and they do so on several occasions. The chemistry is great so Jill thinks this is going somewhere real.
Jack on the other hand is the bait and switch player. His internet dating profile says he is looking for the one, however he is more interested in looking for the fun than the one. He doesn’t think he is misrepresenting himself, because if the woman of his dreams came along and knocked his socks off he’d be interested in a relationship. Therefore, stating that he was interested in a relationship wasn’t technically a lie, even though, he is using the internet primarily as a convenient and cheap venue for meeting different women to casually date.
Jack continues to keep his internet dating profile online and simultaneously continues to be romantic with Jill. He hasn’t even gotten to know her really, never met any of her friends, family or even had a day time date with her. It’s what he thought was a casual short-term relationship. He figures that she understands what is going on. She’s a grown woman.
Jill meanwhile is suffering from a major emotional rush from Jack. She’s falling head over heals fast and can’t get him out of her mind. He’s the one. Her brain is in marbles she is so into him and so attracted to him.
Given the quickly emerging divide between their relationship goals Jill initiates the dooming relationship talk about where is this going. Jack realizes he has gotten himself in too deep with this woman and quickly tries to do damage control. He downgrades her to texting only as a first step of extricating himself while meanwhile continuing to line up other women online for new dates to distract himself. He is hoping that she takes the hint and that they can go their separate ways because he does not see himself falling in love with Jill at all. In fact, her demanding behavior so early on is scaring him off.
The culminating event happens when Jill throws a rock through Jacks window in the middle of the night, scaring the absolute daylights out of him. Hey I just dated her casually and we never discussed exclusivity or commitment after just a handful of dates and now suddenly I am getting a rock thrown through my window? What did I do to deserve this? She is emotionally unstable, she is a bunny boiler, she is fatal attraction.
Jack goes through the legal headache of getting a restraining order against Jill. He has a real reason to, because of the physical rock throwing incident along with her continuing to harass him via text message. He has a very valid safety concern. People write in to me and ask when texting becomes stalking and obviously if obsessive texting is coupled with any act of violence (or threat of violence) it’s now considered stalking.
Jill is ordered not to go within 200 feet of him or his property and also ordered not to call him, attempt to contact him, or text him anymore. They are done with one another and move on.
Jack now has a different opinion of women on the internet dating web sites and draws a conclusion that most of them are desperate and even crazy. Now he makes calls from restricted numbers and does not give out his address instead meeting them at their house, restaurants or other venues. Even though any dater can look him up on intellius or spokeo and find out his personal information, he becomes more private and more way more cautious. He is wary.
Why am I telling this story? Because it’s rather typical (except for the rock). Obviously, the woman is totally at fault here because she became involved with this person before understanding if they were exclusive or even in a relationship at all. She was romantic with a man she barely knew and allowed herself to get emotionally tangled up with someone who had invested very little of himself into her and hadn’t even express a desire to do anything with her other than date her casually.
In her anger and stark recognition that she had been used, or more precisely that she had not respected her own boundaries and got carried away and allowed herself to get used, she becomes emotionally upset and erratic. Obviously a physical act of violence is totally out of bounds and does indicate that she’s got major problems to have done that. She has no control and behaved like a loose cannon.
You do not as an adult get physical with someone or their property because it is against the law. Clearly the fact that she executed an act of violence made her scary and deserving of that restraining order. He did the right thing in seeking protection for himself.
Yes, it was her fault. Yet any woman that’s been scorned before and hated herself for not observing her own boundaries can relate just a little. Some women might think of course she shouldn’t have done that and you would never throw a rock in someone’s window yet I can’t say he didn’t contribute in some way towards what happened. There is a human nature element of her humiliation and why she flew off the handle. Men can be so frustrating. He used her and assumed that she was taking responsibility for her own actions. She got hurt and out of control and acted out. It’s like the movie Fatal Attraction.
Jack does not realize that in his casual treatment of Jill he was in some sense taking advantage of a situation and putting himself at risk for becoming the target of an obsessive person. He was selfishly enjoying the romantic relationship before really and truly getting to know her and leveling with her about his intentions.
To cure his problem he becomes more secretive of his phone number and home address. What he should be doing to cure the problem is being more upfront and honest with the people he dates.
She’s at fault, but he may have contributed more than he would be willing to admit. The moral to the story is that if you are a man and you want to avoid obsessive girlfriends, proceed slowly. Get to know the person. Try not to get seriously involved unless you really care about her. Move forward slowly and be honest with people you get involved with.
Granted, you could still unwittingly come across an emotionally imbalanced person. But if that were the case, you would have discovered she had problems way before ever getting romantically involved. It takes time to get to really get to know someone. You can’t expect to really get to know someone through texting either. Both Jack and Jill learned a lesson from this unfortunate experience.