Break ups and how to stand up for yourself to gain respect

Has your boyfriend just told you that he wants to break up or slow down so that he can go off and see other women?  When a relationship ends in this manner it is extremely difficult to respect yourself as your own person and take the breakup well.  But you do have to carry on and the last thing you want is to wind up as an emotional mess.  Turning into a basket case will only confirm to him that getting rid of you was the right thing to do.

Don’t grovel begging him (or her) to take you back

If he has broken up with you there is little point in trying to grovel and beg him not to do it.  The first instinct is to start begging him not to leave.  If you were mean or mistreated him you might beg him to give things a second change and promise to behave better.  It seems like a good strategy but it is not.

The main reason that begging is a poor breakup response is that even if he takes you back he will be in the power seat and you will be walking on eggshells.  How is it going to feel when you are tip toeing around having to tolerate him treating you poorly just because you are in constant fear of him leaving?  Begging and groveling will likely put you on probation with him even if you do get him back and that won’t be good for you emotionally.  You’ll be in constant fear of getting dumped.

Use a support system of friends and family

Sometimes girlfriends can create breakups.  Seriously, is your never married single shrew friend the one to be giving you breakup or relationship advice?  When you breakup you’ll want to lean on your supporters for support however always make your own decisions.

I’ve found that when you listen to girlfriends advice you might regret it and even resent it later.  Your support system should be to keep you company and get through alone times but the breakup itself should be your decision not some community vote of your supporters.  Use your network of friends and family for support but don’t let them control your breakup decisions. 

Weigh in advice and make decisions following your heart and your gut instincts.  Use caution when getting advice for example if you want to save your marriage talk to a counselor or a part of a couple that has survived ups and downs.  Listening to bad advice from a clueless friend has a potential to harm you.   Just be careful to get a broad spectrum of advice and think through actions before taking them.  Breakups are big decisions and you don’t want to jump into anything too quickly.

Cut contact and detach from his new dating adventures

When you get broken up with it can be really hard to stop talking to the person that dumped you.  Let’s say he broke up with you.  You might be so attached you keep talking to him, texting and communicating with him.  He may even try to be nice but the fact is that he is letting you down easy.  No matter how much he says he cares, the reality is that he is out there seeking your replacement.

He won’t commit himself to you,  he does not want to be your boyfriend, and he has told you that he is actively pursuing other women.  Why bother to communicate after that point?  He is claiming to be done with your relationship and moving on and its all about him and his new search for women.  He can act like a good guy all he wants but the fact is that he is done with you and actively trying to move on. 

Who cares if he is still willing to text you or sleep with you even.  He’s moving forward looking for your replacement and you probably need to do the same thing if you want to hang on to any of your self respect at all.  Trying to cling on and stick around at this point is like inviting emotional disaster.  You don’t have to ignore him yet quit initiating contact with someone who is chasing skirt right under your nose.

Don’t get strung along and continue to be intimate

Once your guy kicks you to the curb he may or may not find a suitable girl to date.  He might have had someone lined up when he dropped you to make it easy on himself but she might not last.  As he finds himself riding through the dating roller coaster he might miss you during lonely moments.  Don’t let him string you along as a self serving ego stroke.

If he is keeping you as a doormat backup plan you will not get the respect you deserve.  Don’t let him have his cake and eat it too.  You’ll be the back door bed mate while he looks for the new woman to call girlfriend.  Your self respect won’t be able to sustain such a downgrade in status.  If he is using you as a string along backup plan to stroke his stinky ego, don’t stand for it.  This advice goes for the men too.  Don’t continue to nurse your ex girl and spend money on her while she looks for the nearest bad boy to lust after.

Get control of your insecurity, or fake self respect till you regain it

All women get really insecure after rejection no matter how gorgeous they are.  If you are surfing the dating profiles of women on the site he dates on then you are jealous and insecure.  Some women get over a breakup but others obsess as to who he might be dating asking over and over why her and not me. 

If you are insecure try to keep that from him.  Don’t make it obvious you are drinking, crying, wailing, stalking, in total miseration, being promiscuous, or dating anybody who asks because you feel desperate.  Why let him see you sweat like that.  As you move through the breakup try not to do it where he can see.  Don’t run into him or cry around. 

Feeling shaky and insecure is only natural yet you don’t have to stroke his ego by doing it right in front of him.  While you work on getting through the breakup stages and regaining your footing you needn’t be letting him see every move you make.  You’ll have more dignity and respect if you cut ties and deal. 

Even if you’ve been compulsively sending text messages like an idiot you can always cut back or just stop and get control.  At any point in the breakup you can change what you are doing and get some self respect back.  It is never too late.  If you’ve been begging him to talk to you or take you back or makeup for months and he is ignoring you then you might feel half crazy.  It doesn’t matter.  You can still wake up one morning and change what you have been doing and handle things differently on that day going forward.  Nothing stops you from changing how you are dealing with a bad breakup.

Give yourself some time to think

Getting some space from the relationship is miserable but it may be the best thing.  There may have been many warning signs that he was a user or taking advantage of you.  There may have been red flags waving all around that you chose to ignore.

As miserable as it is to see all the missed warning signs you will learn some valuable things from them.  If you trusted him too soon without him earning it then you’ll know to take things slower next time.  If you go back over things he did wrong and things you did wrong you could understand your own fault in the breakup.

Get some self help therapy

Well they have all those self help books on relationships and breakups for a reason.  Buy some reading material and do some research on the Internet.  The advice might be useful or useless but you should have some comfort knowing that you certainly aren’t alone.  If it is a divorce or major relationship that is ending you can join support groups like at church, talk to a life coach, therapist, or take some dating seminars or courses.

Most relationships don’t pan out.  Take care of yourself, improve your health and beauty (if you’re a guy workout and do sports) and give yourself some time to heal from a heartache.   Even though it seems like its over you will eventually have another relationship it just takes time.  If you don’t respect yourself, people will walk all over you.  Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and demand that you be treated the way you wish to be treated. 

Self respect will serve you well

Allowing a man to walk all over you is horrible for your self respect.  Few people in this world will respect you unless you absolutely insist on it.  If you are being disrespected it is often partially due to the fact that you allowed it to happen.  Men pick up on what they can get away with therefore if you are weak in their eyes they will be inclined to take advantage of that weakness in you.  Sadly, you might have to let some relationships go that you care about in the name of your own self respect.  On the flip side, the more you are willing to walk away from poor treatment the more you are likely to be treated well by the people you date.


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