Many things can destroy the trust and intimacy you have in a relationship, lying being one that tops the list of relationship wreckers. If you’ve been betrayed by lies you may well be wondering why, why, why did he (or she) lie. You may even get into an onerous text fight with him over the lying.
People who have integrity just can’t wrap their minds around a liar. They don’t understand that a liar is wired differently and doesn’t feel the same remorse. Since they can’t identify with a person who has no empathy, they can’t identify with a liar.
Unfortunately when faced with a liar this can turn the normal person into a downright crazy person. Since they can’t relate to the lying they become confused, angry and bitter over why their partner lied. They even become enraged and take it to text message in the form of long rants berating the liar for his wrongs.
A skilled liar can make a normal person so distraught that the normal person becomes crazy just trying to deal with it. Dealing a with a liar in a relationship can do untold harm to a normal person with integrity and unfortunately it can ruin their innocent outlook on relationships. Sometimes they become emotionally damaged for life after dealing with an insidious liar. Their ability to trust becomes tarnished. The longer you stay with a liar the greater the emotional damage they have the opportunity to inflict.
Types of lies
There are different types of lies but they really add up to one thing and that is lying. There are lies of omission where the information given is limited and important facts are left out. For example they in fact were studying yet failed to mention that they were studying with the girl they are pursuing on the sly. There are lies of silence where the become silent, disappear or become unavailable to respond when they are questioned directly about something. They may even dump you, avoid you, or give you the silent treatment as punishment so that they never have to answer a direct question that confronts them about their lies.
There are more direct lies that involve makeup things up that just are not true. For example, lying about their whereabouts. For instance saying that they are taking a class once a week when really they are at the no tell motel with their mistriss once a week. There are lies that embellish their lives. For example they say they own their own a successful business when in fact they lost their business or it never even got off the ground at all.
Then there are lies that verge on evil. This is when they insist on something to be true even though it is false. For example, I have never met that person in my life, when in fact they are having an affair with that person and trying to hide it. When push comes to shove they resort to gas-lighting. This is when they erode your reality by insisting that the obvious is not so, and making you seem like the crazy one for thinking it. For example they deny having an affair to the bitter end, but ultimately they were having an affair all along.
If there is something in it for a liar he might actually acknowledge being a liar when caught. But this will only be if it serves them some purpose. For example if they are getting something out of the relationship and want to stay they might confess to a lie. But when they confess, they will still assign the blame to you. Yes, I did have an affair behind your back but it was because you were ignoring me, for example.
Understanding the lack of empathy (instead of flipping out over it)
When dealing with a serious liar, you will find yourself going just about crazy in your relationship with them. You will become suspicious of everything, question everything, and even stalker like in the way you behave. This all stems from the insecurity and nagging feeling that he is a liar, but you just can’t pin it down. People with NPD traits (narcissistic personality disorder) have zero capacity for empathy or inner reflection. Their lies are just another attempt to manipulate and control a situation. NPD type guys don’t think too far in advance of their lies. They just start lying and never quit until somewhere down the road the lies catch up to them. When that times come, they just leave the relationship rather than deal with the onerous task of having to be accountable for their actions.
Don’t let his lies drive you crazy (back away instead)
The key is to not allow his lies to make you crazy. You can send him 200 texts berating him for lying, or you can just realize that a grown man has a personality disorder and feels compelled to lie. The sooner you realize he is a mentally sick person for lying, the better off you are. At that point you can distance yourself from a liar rather than engage with one. If you are fortunate enough not to have children or co-owned property or businesses with a liar, you may want to extricate yourself from your relationship with him.
Don’t let that liar make you rant and rave. Don’t let that liar turn you into a stalker or a snoop. Don’t let that liar convince you that you are crazy. People have very good inner intuition and if you suspect him (or her) of lying you need to trust your gut instincts. While the urge will be to confront the liar, pin the liar down, argue with the liar, and ask the liar why, why, why, you must resist the urge. Engaging with a liar gets you no where. A skilled liar is likely to run circles around you anyways. They will deny, deny, deny, or turn it into an attack of you because of your nosy attitudes.
Narcissistic people (liars are narcissistic) require constant adulation and narcissistic supply. As soon as you start to question their behavior and stop buying into their Bologna, these people will disappear right out of your life on you. They will hurt you, leave you, meet someone else, or move on. Their goal is to have a constant supply of ego-boosting adoration. Once you stop delivering, it is the beginning of the end. Relationships with liars always succeed when you are buying into the lies, and fail once you stop buying into the lies. So texting a liar really does you little good. It’s a sign that you’re onto him and the relation is on its way out.
Fighting on text is totally counterproductive when dealing with a liar in a relationship. Rather than argue, rant, rage, bitch, text, moan, groan, and complain Why Why Why, you should be running from a liar. If nothing else it shows that if he (or she) is going to lie that you won’t be around to tollerate it. The strongest statement you can say to a liar is nothing at all. Let them know they are being dishonest in which case they won’t be in a relationship with you. If you have the misfortune of being stiuck in a marriage or deeper relationship with a liar, you can leave unless they agree to get counseling. That way you can potentially save the relationship while still making a strong statement that you will not tolerate dishonesty.
Don’t let his lies turn you into a verbally abusive person
Most of all, be careful that you do not degenerate to verbal abuse when dealing with a liar. When dealing with a liar you can become so upset that you yourself become an abuser. Berating the liar, attacking the liar, texting the liar when enraged at him, and verbally ripping the liar to shreds via text messages are common reactions. Frustration over deception can lead you to say and text horrible, horrible things. The safest thing to do with a liar is cut them off or get help. Anything less than that and you risk becoming the crazy person yourself. It has a name when it gets to that point and that name is co-dependent. Because that’s what lies do to a normal person in life, they make that normal person crazy and co-dependent on the liar.