Do you want to try and get your ex back? Moving on is hard and especially if you were with someone you loved it can be tempting to go back to your ex. If you truly think your ex was the one it can be worth it to try and get them back. Here are a few simple tips that have been gleaned from reading a ton of dating advice material, including both online advice as well as best selling relationship books.
Decide if you can
I think most of the time you know deep down if you stand a chance of getting your ex back. Odds are that if you loved them very much, there were feelings returned to a certain degree on their part. The first thing to do is to decide if you really want to get your ex back and make a judgement call as to whether you think you can and if its advisable. If there were problems in your relationship it is going to take quite a bit of work to get them back. It will also require that you change. Changing your behavior can be quite difficult as people generally don’t change. But if your relationship eroded then in order to make it work you actually do have to change. Otherwise, you’ll break up again. So the first thing to do is to seriously consider if your goals are realistic and if you can change yourself enough to make things work if they are willing take you back.
Be realistic too. If your ex is remarried or in a serious relationship with someone then you might need to give up and move on with your own life alone. An ex who is merely dating someone on the rebound would perhaps make up with you. But an ex who is engaged or marrying a new person already likely won’t. An ex who has gone to great lengths to be totally isolated from you such as changed their phone number or moved would be less likely to ever reunite with you. If you want to make up then you at least have to have a baseline idea that getting them back is a realistic prospect.
In many cases your ex felt disrespected and the breakup might have been a matter of pride. They might have felt hurt, discouraged that you failed to recognize their needs, viewed you as selfish, or upset that you violated their boundaries. A genuine apology for how you handled things or an acknowledgement of ignoring their needs might be part of how you could make up with them. It’s really your own judgement call. If you think it is plausable to makeup and get your ex back then go to the next step.
No contact
After any breakup and particularly if you want to get your ex back, it can be really useful to adopt a no contact strategy. Dating books on getting your ex back generally recommend no contact for four to eight weeks. Some books even advise up to twelve weeks of no contact. The point of the no contact period is to disengage yourself from the entire relationship and breakup. If there was fighting or a bad breakup it can take a few months time for dust to settle. All dust must settle and you must cool your heels until all anger and frustration dissipates away. That takes time. If you are still emotional or crying or feeling out of sorts about the breakup then enough time has not elapsed.
It may take several months to get your head screwed back on and your emotions back into check. The no contact can be helpful. Trying to be friends with the person or employing other strategies where you are still emotionally engaged usually does not work. If you are engaged then you still have the potential to lock horns and fight. No contact is a way to get your feet back on the ground away and separate from this person. If you are still stalking their social profiles and snooping on them then enough time has not passed. Be sure to give yourself plenty of space and time. When all anger and outrage passes and you are at a point of acceptance and resolve is when makeups become more possible. If you aren’t able to realize your own role in the breakup with your ex then you are not ready to get them back yet. You should genuinely miss all of the positive things about your ex before trying to make up.
Positive touch base
After a period of no contact is when you would want to touch base with your ex. If your ex has not contacted you whatsoever then obviously you have to contact them. Sometimes you can run into them however if they are not in your social circle you might have to explicitly reach out and call or text them. Calling them is best however after a nasty breakup your ex might screen out your phone calls. If that happens then sending a simple text message (assuming they have not blocked you) will work. Do not send a mushy email or long winded love letter. A simple text letting your ex know that you miss all of your good times and still think about them may be all you need. Here would be a basic example text.
It’s been a few months,
I wanted to apologize for how I handled things, wow I really miss you…
Be sure after you send a simple and nice text to wait. Don’t start haranging your ex. You’ve reached out and you need to let them ponder that and see if they want to be responsive. Maybe they won’t get back to you right away or at all. Odds are though, if your ex did really care for you, they would have missed you too given enough time and space apart. If your ex does not pick up bait after you’ve left them alone for a long time and then reached out with something genuinely nice to say, it may be time to call it quits. By that point you’ve survived for a period of months out of contact with your ex so its still a win win situation because you’ve proven to yourself you’ll be OK on your own by now. Not only that, you gave it your best shot so you won’t be left with remorse about not reaching out.
Change yourself
If you are lucky enough to have your ex be responsive then the hard part starts. Here is the rub. You have to change. You have to change yourself. That means, no more doing the behaviors that drove your ex away. Beyond that, your ex has to be interested enough in making things work that they will put in some effort too. Odds are if they were willing to make up and start communicating with you again then they care about making things go right just like you do. The problem is that you approached them so you need to be the one to show positive changes.
If your ex didn’t like how you nagged them all the time or were jeolous or accusatory or attacking them then you need to change those behaviors. You need to approach the relationship differently and try to make your ex happy. Demonstrate to your ex that you care but do more than that. Demonstrate that you care about their wants and needs. That will go a long way towards working your way back into their heart. If you really want your ex back you may have to work on yourself and do much more compromising to make the relationship work.
This is a little warning. Try never to fall back on old patterns as the worst outcome would be another fight and a yo-yo makeup, breakup pattern. If you fall back to your old ways then your relationship may erode into an off again off again toxic cycle or even less than a relationship. You don’t want your ex to take you back but continue to be unhappy while they look for someone new. Trust me you’ll be setting yourself up for a worse relationship than you had in the first place. In order to make up you must genuinely change and prove through your behavior you care about your ex’s needs and are prepared to make things work on a regular basis.
Just saying you care is not enough. You have to act like it and continue to act like it. If you’ve stumbled onto this article then you obviously care about your ex and are trying to get your ex back because they are the love of your live and it’s worth changing for. Good luck!
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