The dating dilemma
Pamela has been going out with a man for a few months time. For the first few weeks, he would text her all the time, and frequently call to talk and make plans. Slowly but surely there has been a marked shift in his behavior. He now goes for four or five days without calling or even texting at all. After around a week goes by, Pamela just ends up texting him.
Pamela unwittingly trains him to know that he doesn’t have to lift a finger for her
By breaking down and texting her man after four or five days of silence, she is teaching him that he never has to get in touch with her. All he has to do is ignore her and eventually she will break down and contact him. Pamela obviously feels insecure. When she finally texts him and he acts reasonably responsive and nice, she feels a little better. He still acts nice when they talk and says he’s just been busy yet deep down Pamela knows something is wrong. Scared to rock the boat, Pamela settles into this pattern and starts accepting communication crumbs from this man.
Why did her go from initiating communication frequently to making it her job to get in touch?
Pamela didn’t mention how her man is treating her when she does get in touch. If he is too busy even then and often ignoring her text messages then Pamela should assume this man is not interested in her anymore. If he was interested in her still, he would be responsive at the least. She should stop contacting him. If he never gets in touch with her then she should let it go and assume it is over.
But what if he is pretty nice when Pamela finally breaks down and contacts him. Maybe he even makes plans with her. What then? The situation is that his interest level is still there but way, way lower than previously. Pamela should assume that he’s either bored with her or has decided she isen’t the woman for him, or he has found someone else already, or he is busy looking for someone else. Bottom line, his interest in Pamela is very mild at this point. It is almost non-existent.
He’s found something else that captures his interest
If his interest is cold and unresponsive Pamela should move on. If his interest is luke warm with Pamela doing all of the initiating then Pamela should find another interest fast because it is clear that her man has. Pamela needs to get busy. If her man notices that she is not at his beck and call then he may pick up interest and lift a finger to contact her. This will only happen once she shows him that she is not going to break down after a week and contact him.
If he comes back on his own she may find out why he left
It might take a few weeks time, but if this man is still interested in Pamela he will get in touch with her on his own time. When he does, Pamela has an opportunity to ask him what’s up. It may be that Pamela inadvertently did something to hurt him, upset him or make him question the merits of his continuing to date her. If Pamela is receptive to listening to him then she might find out the reason why he went missing in action. It could be that he was seeing someone else or inclined to keep looking.
Pamela should tread lightly when asking him why he disappeared then reappeared
Pamela should tread lightly when entertaining such discussions with him as to why he disappeared. If he is on the ledge in regards to her and she still has feelings for him, acting negatively or excessively upset might push him away for good.
Pamela should seriously get out of the relationships drivers seat and let him either make a move to see her, or not. She is making a mistake to assume the role of the man here. Only when she leaves him alone completely, will she be able to see if her man is still interested in seeing her. Depending on how often he contacts her on his own, Pamela can decide whether she wants to put up with being an occasional date. If this man wanted Pamela as a girlfriend then he would behave accordingly. Pamela would obviously register higher up on his totem pole of priorities than she is now.
Men aren’t that complicated and if he disappeared then he was losing interest in her. It’s possible that Pamela did nothing wrong and that he just met someone he felt a better connection with. It’s also possible that he has an issue with Pamela that caused him to lose interest. Pamela should just stop doing all the heavy lifting with this man and let him do what he will do. He might disappear completely or come around again at which point Pamela can decide if she feels comfortable dating him at the speed he is moving or not. If Pamela treads lightly she may find out eventually what the issue was so that she can make changes in her behavior.
Pamela omits to say whether or not ALL initiation of contact has been from the guy.
In my book, a woman who is interested in ME also does the same, and doesn’t just wait for me to initiate contact all the time. Why is it she waited a WEEK to contact him? This is silly buggers high-school stuff. Given the “few months” duration of the budding relationship, it would be completely natural for her to contact him, even just to say “HI” or “how are you..”.
Unless more information missing from this, my sympathies are with the guy, not Pamela.
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