Help my boyfriend still hangs around his ex!

Are you dating and in love with your boyfriend but stuck with one little nasty problem which is his ex?  You are not alone. 

Everybody has an ex somewhere and sometimes those ex’s can’t be out of sight and out of mind.  In the situation where your boyfriend still works with his ex, co-parents with his ex, or has mutual friends with the ex, you cannot stop them from seeing each other.

The lurking ex can make you really jealous to the point of jeopardizing your relationship over it.  It’s understandable to be threatened by an ex if she is in your boyfriends vicinity.  Particularly if she was his first love or long time girlfriend.  Even if the ex relationship is totally platonic it can be unnerving.  Here are a few tips for dealing with the ex that still hangs around.

Try not to let the anxiety of seeing the ex wreck your relationship

If your boyfriend has to still work with his ex you have to deal calmly with the situation.  He can’t help it and if he is keeping contact to a minimum there is not much he can do.  Don’t let your own jealousy and insecurity about the situation be the very thing that creates problems between you and your boyfriend. 

Even if his ex is not over him, your boyfriend is with you now.  Don’t ever let a lurking ex get into your head-space so much that she wrecks your relationship with him.  Watch out for your own insecurity levels because being needy and insecure is a relationship killer. 

If you are jealous of the time they spend together at work or with shared children, make plans of your own with him.   Do something fun and nurture any shared interest you have whether it be working out after work or taking a dance class.  The point is that you should be the one enjoying life with your boyfriend, not her.  In his free time, he is yours to play with.

Don’t become needy or clingy about your boyfriend and his ex.  Don’t let obsessing and arguing over them become the centerpiece of your relationship.  If you do this, it will only bring them closer together.  Don’t become toxic over it.  If his ex still has feelings for him she is probably trying to act sympathetic to all his little issues because she secretly wants him back and is creeping on him behind your back. 

Just remember that he is your boyfriend and you are the one that should be having a fun and enjoyable time with him, not her.  If you push your boyfriend too much on it you will be pushing him away.

Don’t ignore the problem

You might be tempted to pretend you don’t care about the lurking ex when in reality, you do.  Don’t bottle up all of your concerns and put a cork in it because it is likely to fester over time and erupt into something worse than just talking to him about it. 

Let your boyfriend know that you are concerned and then set fair boundaries.  Your concern is legitimate and you have every expectation that he limit the relationship to what is absolutely necesarry.  If they work together they work together but they don’t need to be going out to lunch together or to happy hour together.  Discuss the situation with your boyfriend and take a strong no-nonsense stand that you have no intention of getting into a triagle of any sort with him and his ex.

Don’t stress out about it

If you find yourself becoming stressed out over his time with the ex then take some self-improvement steps to lower your stress levels.  Get that beauty treatment, get your nails done, get your hair done, start exercising or go on a health kick.  Try to take care of yourself and your relationship with your boyfriend.  After all, he is with you now.  Make him know that he made the right decision every day. 

Take a lurking ex seriously because she is a threat

Don’t underestimate the threat of a lurking ex.  Psychologists call it the propinquity effect that if he works with her or sees her all the time eventually that creates some semblance of a relationship bond.  Two people left alone in a room long enough will form some sort of relationship.  In the case of your boyfriend and his ex, they share a past so you know that they were at some point compatible on a relationship level.  If they are working the same job or co-parenting then they are still going to be communicating.

If your ex still has feelings for your boyfriend it is even more disturbing.  This is because they have had a sexual relationship with one another before.  Any time you have past lovers put together there is the chance that something could happen.  This is particularly true if she still makes herself available to him. 

Now that you understand that a lurking ex is definitely a threat, here is the solution.  Believe it or not, the solution is to have a good relationship with your boyfriend.  That means you laugh together, share good times, have good chemistry, and make him feel at ease.

Focus on you, not her, and be good to yourself

If you are feeling insecure you need to try and boost your own self esteem.  He is with you and he should be happy to be with you.  Make yourself as exciting as you can be and dress hot too!  Believe that you are awesome and stay positive.  If he is unsure about you or still hung up on his ex then you’d rather find out sooner than later anyways.  If he’s not loyal to you then he doesn’t deserve you.  Don’t let the lurking ex turn you into a wreck.  She doesn’t deserve that sort of power.

If his ex is getting to you then do things to make yourself feel more soothed.  You could deal with her as little as you can, and take up deep breathing, yoga, relaxing music, or exercise to get your mind off of it.  Some ex’s do cheat together and so you need to be calm and have a level head.  This is a situation where you want to be observant but not reactive.  Keep an eye on the situation so you can get a good gut instinct on whether you have anything to worry about at all.  Trust your instincts and intuition on it.

The key to it all is to focus on your relationship with him, not his relationship with her.   Fostering a good relationship with him is the best long term strategy.  Putting him on a short leash where you are having to monitor him and constantly snoop and forbid him from talking to her will only damage your relationship.  You can only micro-manage his relationship with her for so long before he will get sick of your insecurities.  Change your focus from fearing what could happen, and remember what is happening which is that he chose to be with you now.

Living well with him is the best revenge against a lurking ex girlfriend.  When she sees that you are happy together and that she has little hope of penetrating your inner circle with him she will eventually go away.  He is your boyfriend now, and that gives you the advantage. Making it fun when you spend time with your boyfriend will always keep the odds in your favor.


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