the Hot and Cold treatment
At the heart of a man falling in love and staying in love and sticking around is that he has to feel a core emotional connection to you. He has to feel it coming from himself and all your sweet text messages in the world aren’t going to create or nurture that feeling he has to have.
He blows hot and cold because the foundation is not there
If you don’t have the right foundation with him then he is going to start blowing hot and cold on you and it can be seriously hurtful when you are a woman on the receiving end of such treatment. If he feels that he is not emotionally bonded to you then he is going to be there when things are perfect and pull away when he has doubts. When he has doubts is often when it matters most to you, which is why hot and cold treatment hurts so much.
One of the common times when you find a man pulling away and blowing cold is after you first get intimate with him, or any time after you get really emotionally close to him. Getting physically involved with him especially the first few times is one of those times. You’d think he would feel closer after those good experiences with you however if he is not sure about your relationship overall those are the very times he is going to be pulling back. Since he knows you are likely going to have increased expectations of him after getting intimate etc, it’s a certain type of new pressure he will feel and he may not like it. He could have a great night with you and not be thinking ahead to much, just enjoying the evening and the affection.
It’s sort of like he is a horse all of a sudden getting an interesting new rider which is you on his back. He might accept the rider or he might decide to buck it right off because he feels some sort of itch or pea under the saddle. Something doesn’t feel just right so, he bucks and kicks. If you fall off and start to chase after him he is more than likely going to run home for some food rather than deal with you. If he likes you however, he might let you get back on him.
He blows hot and cold because he knows you’re developing expectations and he wants to skirt becoming a couple
Lets say you get intimate, really intimate and feel this euphoric closeness to him that you have never felt before. It’s inexplicable bliss and you love it. The time you spend was so fun and so romantic, you want him to be your exclusive boyfriend. So come the next day, there is three or more texts from you babbling about what a wonderful time you had with him and acting disturbingly couple like.
All of a sudden, he’s knocked in the head with the text wakeup call of oh no, now she thinks we are exclusive, committed, a couple. Shoot look at these texts from her. I don’t want her as a girlfriend. And if I start to write her back she is going to get pin-raveled into the notion of us together forever even more. Maybe I better blow her off for a while so she doesn’t get any ideas and that way I can manage down her expectations and figure out what I am doing. Oh yeah, that’s what I’ll do. In the meantime, I have to vegetate and think later about if I actually like her or just want to see her occasionally and keep looking around. I wonder if I can do better.
He is only in it for the physical relationship
If a man really wants to spend time with you then no matter how busy he is, he will spend time with you. He will find time out of his day to contact you and make time in his life to be with you. If you text him, he’ll text back.
One of the classic reasons that a man will blow hot and cold on you is that he is only in the relationship for the physical satisfaction. Men are the aggressors, pursuers, and hunters by nature. But if he is only aggressing, pursuing, and hunting you when he wants a piece of action then Houston you have a major problem on your hands. It is hot and cold because it is a let’s get physical call, or worse yet, let’s get physical text.
If he blows hot for primarily physical meet ups, and blows cold for periods of time in between them, you’ll want to realize you are his fallback girl sooner rather than later. Tell tale signs are that when he goes cold, he doesn’t call or text you nor does he keep dates with you. He makes his own plans. A week or two later, he rears up with a flirty text message. You get the drift. If he is only in it for the occasional physical gratification he will no doubt be blowing hot and cold.
If you want to confirm whether he is in it just for the physical part, then don’t do that with him all the time. Just refuse to let him come over and hang out only in your house or near a couch or bed for example. If he doesn’t manage to make other plans with you, then you’ll have your answer. Once the gig is up and you know what is going on and he knows that you know it and don’t like it, that’s when his cold spell will last more like, forever. Then you’ll have your answer.
He blows hot and cold because he is dating other women
If he is dating other women then he pretty much has to blow hot and cold because he is dating other women. Women take time so he can’t obviously give you all his time. That’s why he has to do a disappearing and reappearing act. That’s why you are down graded and down managed onto text. More than likely, he’ll try to create a fake façade of being incredibly busy with business and personal issues to keep you off the smell of his game players trail. He knows you’ll smell it eventually but he’s hoping that it won’t be until he’s gotten a whole lot of enjoyment out of you.
The way to spot this hot and cold treatment is to watch how secretive and sketchy he acts. If he is sketchy about pinning down plans with you, secretive about his cell phone, and shy about letting you see his social profiles for fear of you getting onto all of his girlfriends in provacative clothes who’s pictures he is making suggestive comments on, he is probably dating around.
A guy that has other action is going to be hot and cold because he is seeing other women. He is going to be acting sketchy, flaky and secretive. He won’t know what he is doing or where he is going until the very last second in time. He won’t be able to plan ahead of his own nose.
He blows hot and cold because he wants to fade away
A guy that is no longer interested in you but doesn’t really want to let you know it face to face is going to execute the hot and cold fade out. It’s a disappearing act breakup. This could be the guy who may not have a girlfriend lined up yet to move on to. So he is sort of looking around while stringing you along at an ebb.
He might like you, but know deep down that you just aren’t the one. He has his reasons and you’ll never figure them out. He doesn’t want the nuisance of a girlfriend bad enough for it to be you. It could be the color of your hair or your nationality, or just plain old bad timing for all you know. He just knows that you aren’t it and meanwhile he really hasn’t met Ms. Right. This is the type of guy who isn’t secretive and sketchy and flaky. He’s more forthright but he just isn’t willing to hang out with you all the time because he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend. He doesn’t like you enough and there is nothing you can do about it.
If he is blowing hot and cold but not really acting like a player, he might be the classic case of he is just not that into you. Someone casually dating you and having dates and plans every once in a while but is not totally mean to would fit this hot and cold billing. It can go on for months but never really progress. You’ll get the feeling that he’s barely willing to sit in a movie theater with you. and you won’t be going to his family’s place for thanksgiving that’s for sure. You’ll get the feeling that this guy is not ignited and passionate about you. A spark will be missing.
He blows hot and cold to dilute an exclusivity lock-down
Your boyfriend thinks that exclusivity is equal to a total loss of his freedom. Therefore, in order to be exclusive he has to really like you so much that he just can’t get enough of you. If he is commitment shy he is going to have to have a lot of natural passion for you in order to even contemplate exclusivity. And, it has to be his idea to have you for himself. If those two desires aren’t happening on his end of things, he is not going to want to give up his freedom.
If you try to pressure him into exclusivity when it is not his idea and he is not sure that he is that infatuated with you that he needs you all to himself all the time, then he is going to be resistant and recalcitrant. This guy is going to be like a dog that won’t go and the owner you has it on a choke chain and is dragging it and its toenails are scratching the floor because its feet won’t move. He becomes dead weight and plays dead.
This guy isn’t really going to want to face exclusivity so he will start dragging his feet and looking for creative ways to dilute it. Unfortunately one of the foremost creative ways to avoid a relationship that is slip sliding into being too serious is to acquire one or two dating options on the side. This enables him relieve some of the pressure of the main relationship with you, strokes his ego a lot, and makes him feel more in control and less smothered in general.
If he is trying to avoid exclusivity and you are pressing it upon him, expect him to regain control, possibly acquire other dating options as a diversion, and plot his escape from his relationship with you. He’ll alternate between still being with you when he’s hot and when he’s cold he’s officially working on his relationship exit plan. He is one step ahead of you.
How to deal with a boyfriend that blows hot and cold? You don‘t
If you find your man is blowing hot and cold you might be wondering what you can do about it. Do you pretend its not happening and just act cool with being treated like that? Do you bring it up and hen peck him over why he called only one time at 10 pm over the last 14 days but two months ago he called ten times over an equivalent time span of 14 days and disclose to him that you have it all recorded for posterity on skype to prove it in case he wants to hear it back? No you don’t obsessive girlfriend.
Attacking him with texts, questions, interrogations, snooping history, and we need to talks, are not going to bring him emotionally closer to you when he is blowing hot and cold already. He’s blowing hot and cold because he may not like you at all. Therefore, introducing complaints into the situation isn’t going to improve it and will only assure him to go more cold. That’s why you really can’t throw a tantrum and mean about it because you’re already hanging by a hot and cold thread.
You might get the message across more effectively if you simply don’t accept the hot and cold treatment. He goes cold, you ignore him. He comes hot, you let him know one single time that he’s not acting like he consistently cares about you. And then you become unavailable. You go cold instead. See how that works? It’s pretty cool. You be unavailable for his hot and cold treatment. Thus, you don’t get treated hot and cold. Because the best way you can tell him you don’t like being treated hot and cold is to not allow yourself to be treated hot and cold. That’s a pretty big statement about not liking it and way more effective than ranting to him about it like a text messaging chicken with its head cut off.
The sad part of this news is you may find yourself without a guy. If he comes around hot for week and goes cold for two, and you make yourself unavailable during the hot period because you didn’t like nor did you forget how crummy you felt during the cold period, then calculate how often you will see him. You can see, it won’t be very often. If he’s two weeks cold, one week hot, and two weeks cold, you won’t be seeing this guy for five weeks. That’s what you have to be prepared for, blowing him off for five weeks. It’s worth it to lose the guy though because it sets standards for yourself and how you want to be treated. He might not come back around but trust me he’ll notice that he got figured out and blocked out.
Men do well when they are faced with a challenge and you just gave him one. If he ever wants to see you in a five week span he needs to stop blowing hot and cold otherwise he’ll need to go get another girlfriend to either treat right or blow hot and cold on, and you’ll be on your own. Give him that little puzzle to gnaw his hot and cold teeth into and in the meantime you just wiped a major time waster off your slate. Now you can be lonely and alone for awhile, until you find a guy that doesn’t go MIA with his other girlfriends. If he likes you, he’ll meet the challenge and step up his game. Odds are not in your favor though seeing as if he liked you in the first place he wouldn’t have been blowing hot and cold at all.
If you really have a spine for heartache you could still see him when he’s hot to keep your love life alive while you look for a new man to opt out with. That rarely works if you are in love with him though. You’ll just pine and stare at your phone while he’s off with another date treating you cold and you’ll be the classic doormat string along girl. If you love him, you have to completely leave him in order to really move on and cleanse your mind and body of him. That’s why they invented things like the no-contact rule. Cleansing your thoughts of him with no contact. If he wants to step up his efforts and stop blowing hot and cold you can consider taking him back but just make sure he’s not blowing hot as usual to get his big foot back in the door and about to go cold again after you make up with him per usual. He can fool you once or twice but not three times because after that it becomes your own fault for allowing bad behavior.
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