So you’re single or divorced and you meet up with a great guy through online dating and things are going great for a couple of months. You spend time together, text and talk, and seem to be a great match as you are interested in many of the same things. The chemistry is amazing. But then the challenge comes. The challenge is that he insists on continuing to date other people. So you ask, what should you do?
Assess his interest level by his actions, not by talking
First of all you need to assess his interest level. A guy who is showing up late at night for intimacy is just a night call and his interest level should be considered at an all time low. This is as close to nothing as you can get. Remember, men can have intimacy without really caring much for the person. If all there is is intimacy, his interest level is incredibly low. If you aren’t going out and spending time outside of a bedroom situation, it’s just physical.
If on the other hand, he’s made you into a companion, by inviting you over to his house, or included you into some events in his life, he is way more valuable. Especially if he has introduced you to his circle of friends, he is someone to be valued and treated with care. Running boring errands together is also a sign of true affection. This is the guy who maybe has had a divorce or a few long term relationships and even though he likes you he is not sure about getting in deep so quick. He might be thinking more maturely and wondering if you are right for him and concerned about another failed relationship.
If he’s just sleeping with you, his interest level is low. So low that you might want to just get rid of him if he insists on seeing other people. You’ll just be driven crazy with his non-committal attitude and you’ll soon resent be part of his dating harem. If he’s really spending time with you, and has introduced you into his life, then he might well be worth sticking with and continuing along taking it slow. You might want to hang in there for at least a little while with a guy like this and give the relationship a shot.
Keep your own options open, instead of giving an ultimatum
Ultimatums really aren’t nice and they usually don’t go over very well with men. Men really don’t want to be told what to do or to have their arm twisted. Men are in less of a rush and unless you are his ultimate dream girl he won’t want to move at marriage speed. It might take a man up to a year to decide whether he wants to really commit to one woman. If he is spending all his time with you then that is a commitment in and of itself so don’t push him too hard.
A man has to have an instinctual gut desire to be around you and it comes from within not from having texts or talks about it. If he just feels like being around you all the time it’s the best indication there is of a promising relationship.
Decide whether you want to get strung along and for how long
If your man is acting like a boyfriend that is a great sign. You can let him know that your goal is to date someone exclusively but don’t make that be an ultimatum or a line drawn in the sand. It’s better for him to commit on a gut level than to extract a verbal promise out of him. If he is spending all of his time with you and integrating you into his life these actions speak louder than words. He is serious about you.
Assess your own goals. If you’re getting what you want out of the relationship then keep it going. If however, you are in child bearing years and you want to have kids and you’re with a guy who just got a divorce and is commitment shy be careful. If your goals and his goals diverge then it is likely that they will diverge more and more over time. What you want is a neck and neck race, not a complete shut out.
In other words, find a guy that is realistically looking for a relationship if that’s what you want. If you want marriage in the long run, you want to find a guy that does want to get married eventually and have kids if that’s what you want too. Maybe he’s just slower to commit than you and that’s something you can work with. Being slightly ahead or behind a guy in terms of relationship goals is fine because no one is at exact equal. But it’s when you really differ in what you want that you should think of a cutoff date at which time you’ll move on.
If your goal is to get married why waste your time having an affair with a married guy who has no intention of getting divorced. Maybe if you’re the most beautiful woman in the world like Angelina Jolie or fabulously wealthy like LeAnn Rhines you can poach a guy away from a family or a marriage but unless you’ve got something monumental to offer it’s unlikely to succeed. Therefore, try to set your sights on a guy that you at least have a chance of a future with. Anything other than that could be just a waste of valuable time and end in frustration.
If you’ve been dating him a year and he’s still dating other women it may be time to cut your losses and leave him at the curbside. If your backgrounds don’t match up or his folks hate you or there is a huge age difference etc, you may want to give up too. If a man is dating and seeking other women it’s a huge, huge statement as to what he thinks about you and don’t brush that under the rug.
If he is dating other women right under your nose (or even secretively) then you should be dating other people yourself. Don’t wait around like a sitting duck while he pursues other options. You can bet your bottom dollar that if he himself tells you he’s dating, he is and aggressively so. Furthermore, he is not considering you at all while it’s happening. It’s all about him. Did you really want to be intimate with a man who’s writing ten women a day emails of interest on a dating web site? Think about it.
Beware of getting strung along as it turns love to hate
You have to look at things from a practical standpoint and really ask yourself if this relationship has the potential to lead you where you want to go. Be selfish. If it is yes then stay, if it is no then go. The earlier you cut bait the better because the deeper you fall in love the more emotionally trapped you are. It’s fifty thousand times harder to leave a guy you’re in love with, attracted to, and dependent on spending time with.
Sometimes you fall in love and it makes it harder to go but nonetheless you’ll fall out of love for sure when the guy never ever comes through for you. In fact, women who fall in love with men who will never give them what they want are the most likely to obsess, text, get their heart broken, and give up important years of their lives and goals. Ultimately they end up hating the guts of the man they fell in love with who never came through for them. The more time you waste, the more passionate your hatred will be in the end.
Hopefully, you’ll think with your head not just your heart and make the right decision as to whether you want to stick around while he’s still dating other women. Maybe these tips will help you see whether a relationship is progressing albeit slowly, or stalling and going nowhere.