Women tend to minimize the impact that texting can have on a relationship. It is never good for a woman to assume the role of pursuer in a relationship. Knowing that, many women are hesitant to call a man up that they are dating. They don’t want to pursue him because dating etiquette tells them to wait and allow him to initiate contact. Here is where texting comes in. A woman can’t control herself and wait like she is supposed too. She really wants to contact him but doesn’t want to call and be too pushy so what does she do instead? Text!
Texting is pursuing
In an effort not to pursue a man too much, you may slide into mistakenly opt into the use of texting to contact him thinking it is OK. You rationalize in your head that it is just a text rather than a phone call so it doesn’t appear to be pushy. It actually is pushy however. A text message is not a lesser version of contacting him than a phone call is. If you are contacting him, then you are pursuing him. Doesn’t matter if it is a text rather than a phone call, it is still you being the pursuer. The sooner a woman gets this concept the better her relationship with him is going to go.
It can help to think of a relationship as progressing in stages. The first stage is the courtship, the second state is the uncommitted relationship, and the third state is the committed, exclusive relationship. At each of these stages, texting can potentially have a derailing influence.
Texting during the courtship stage
Getting to the first stage of courtship is not too hard and it relies primarily on chemistry and whether the two of your click. If you meet, he likes you and is attracted to you then its on. This stage is absolutely critical in terms of texting because whatever pattern you set down is likely to get cast in stone. Since there is no precedent of behaviors between the two of you at this point, however you behave will likely set a precedent. Don’t assume the role of pursuer at this early stage in the game! If you are interested in him it is far more strategic to let him initiate most if not all of the contact. Another piece of advice is not to jump into intimacy before you know him.
Let the courtship phase go slowly, at his desired pace, and let him be the one to pursue you. Don’t set up a pattern where you are texting him all the time to say hi, probe what he is up to, and hint for plans. If you are gaga over him it is hard to stop yourself from texting but you should control it. Don’t fall into the trap of rationalizing texting as ok since it is not an actual phone call. If you are texting him a few times a day its tantamount to calling him a few times a day!
Texting during the uncommitted Relationship
Texting him during the uncommitted dating stage can also derail a potential relationship. For women, the uncommitted stage of the relationship is always the most nerve-wracking. He’s shown interest and you’re seeing him, yet there has yet to be any discussion about the seriousness of the relationship. Not only is there no discussion, you being the woman are loathe to bring up the dreaded talk since you know that it might scare him away. All of this leads to insecurity and an insecure woman is dangerous when it comes to texting. Insecurity about him invariably causes the urge to text him for reassurance.
This is where self control comes into play. No matter how vulnerable you feel about your status with him and where its going, you have to keep a lid on it. When you are at your most vulnerable you can’t force the relationship and start making demands. A big example of this is that you become physically intimate with him and then immediately afterward have automatic expectations of him to now be exclusive. Most of the time, your relationship hasn’t even been discussed and in his mind he is merely dating you and getting to know you. Maybe even getting physical with you. But there is no promise of exclusivity or monogamy much less a relationship.
It is during this uncommitted stage that women tend to jump the gun and their over zealous possessive attitude can prompt them into texting him all of the time. All of a sudden, you think he’s yours. If you’ve never really discussed your status with him then its not your place to be texting him constantly as if you own him. If he senses that you are becoming the pursuer it’s going to shift the dynamic of the relationship. It can create such a shift that he loses his desire to continue to pursue you! If there is nothing for him to work for he may just lose interest or worse yet feel like he is being pursued or hunted. You may think your texts are cute kisses but he may thing your texts are little needle pokes.
If a woman starts to feel insecure about relationship status during the uncommitted stage then she might try to force a relationship talk on him before he is really ready for it. This is destined to fail because it encourages him to say that he is not ready to be in a monogamous, exclusive, committed relationship. Most men refuse to be railroaded into things. Forcing some sort of talk on him is more likely to inspire him to back the relationship down a notch as opposed to ratcheting it up.
If feeling insecure and texting him constantly to monitor what he is going is bad behavior, and forcing him to have a relationship status talk prematurely is bad behavoir, what is a woman to do? She is not to text! Consider this a relationship test where your goal is to show him that you don’t crack and go stalker on him when you are feeling insecure and vulnerable. It’s like being on a self control diet. Try to control your behavior. If you feel insecure about him, or feel the urge to pressure him into being exclusive, stop yourself. Instead of trying to control the minutia you need to let the rubber band between the two of you stretch and stretch and stretch. Never let your vulnerability do you in. When the time is right you’ll be able to let him know you care and you’ll be able to reveal how you feel.
He is way more likely to stay in it for the long run if you let him control the nature and pace of your relationship. Don’t monitor him on text and badger him all day long. Make sure that you can implement the 48 hour no texting rule. If you can’t go 48 hours without sending him a text message it is a major warning sign that you are becoming the aggressor. During the uncommitted stage try to keep your emotional balance no matter how vulnerable you are. For some women it means continuing to date others, for other women it means keeping busy with other activities.
If you want to get past the uncommitted phase and into a committed relationship your chances are going to be increased if you leave him alone. Pushing him and badgering him will have a negative effect since you shouldn’t have to convince someone to have a relationship with you. Don’t prematurely act like a possessive girlfriend, text him too much, or force a make or break talk on him. Your man should feel that he wants to be with you on his own. It’s going to because of how he feels and whether he enjoys spending time with you more than with other women. He is not going to commit before he is ready. Give him plenty of space to come to you and avoid hunting him down with text messages.
The committed Relationship
If you make it to the committed relationship, you’ll probably be hanging out together so much that texting won’t even become an issue between the two of you. Congrats, you got yourself a committed boyfriend! Use text as a fun and flirty additive to your communication options. Don’t let him get into the habit of planning everything on text with you. The way to do this is not to text him very much. The less you rely on texting, the less he will rely on texting, and the better off your relationship will be.
Another pointer is to never allow big fights to happen on text message. Because texting is instant, it can be tempting to haul off some angry text messages when in an argument. It is especially tempting to text if he is blocking you out and not talking to you, but resist the temptation. Leave discussions for when you get together even if that means waiting and stewing until he is ready. Waiting should give both of you a chance to calm down before addressing concerns with one another. Once you establish fighting on text and silent treatment by not responding to texts, and calling names on text etc, it will be a negative pattern that can ruin your relationship.
Don’t play text games with a relationship that took you time, patience and understanding to establish. Don’t mess up a good thing with problematic texting. A good relationship is hard to come by so try and preserve it and set the patterns of communication that you truly want in a long term partner. Phone calls are generally better than text.