How to confront your ex about a girlfriend who won’t leave him alone

Are you concerned that his ex girlfriend keeps contacting your boyfriend?  Do you want her to just disappear?  Here are a few tips for how to deal with your boyfriends ex girlfriend who just won’t leave him alone.

Speak up calmly about his ex girlfriend and avoid getting hysterical at all costs

If your boyfriend’s ex girlfriend continues to contact your boyfriend you definitely have a right to speak up.  If he kept his ex a secret, didn’t tell you they had broken up, overlapped his breakup with her and his starting to date you, didn’t tell you she existed or lied somehow about the ex, you definitely have a right to speak up.  Even if he does not return his ex’s texts or respond to her, you have a legitimate right to be concerned.

The best thing to do is to speak up to him about it.  Don’t feel like a snoop a stalker or a possessive girlfriend.  Don’t walk on eggshells.  He is dating you and if his ex keeps badgering him you have a right to be concerned.  Just remember that concern is what you should have.  Hysteria is what you should not have.  You must never, ever lose your cool when dealing with getting rid of his ex. 

Be calm, cool and collected when confronting him about an ex who continues to talk to him.  The last thing you want to do is to act unstable and drive him back into the arms of the ex who still wants him.  Just remember that the more she badgers your boyfriend the more he will get upset with her for bothering him in his life.  You are his girlfriend, he is with you not her, and you do exert some power here.

You need to speak up so that your boyfriend knows that you and he are on the same page.  Let him know how you feel and that it bothers you that the ex won’t leave him alone.  It can strengthen your relationship if you address the issue head on, and calmly.  If your boyfriend lets you know that it is over between them and you feel confident that he is telling you the truth then give him the benefit of the doubt.

Make sure you don’t have your own issues

If you have your own issues about relationships this can cause your handling of this situation to implode.  If you have experienced having a boyfriend cheat on you or betray you in the past you are likely to be hyper vigilant and even downright paranoid about ex girlfriends of his.  Especially if this has happened to you in the past when a boyfriend went back to the ex you are going to be super sensitive.

Examine your own behavior and history, just make sure you don’t have your own jealousy issues that are clouding your judgement.  Take a position with your boyfriend that you do not wish to have the ex in the picture, you refuse to be part of a love triangle and that you are not attacking him but rather protecting your own feelings and being true to yourself.

If talking to him does not work, take it a step further and ask him to cut her off

If talking to your ex does not give you complete confidence that he is over her and has zero interest in communicating back with her, you can take it one step further and ask him to do something concrete about it.  Tell him you are not confident about the situation and that you refuse to become a snoop.  Ask him directly to change his cell phone number or block her specific number.  Sure she can contact him in other ways, yet this does make it harder for her, and it also becomes you and him against her which is good.

If he blocks her or gets a different number then she will have a harder time communicating with him.  You could also ask your boyfriend to block her email address from his address book and block her access to his face-book page.  If she is still obsessed with him then the more she sees the two of your together the more she will be tempted to comment on it and try to get him back.  Your safety matters too and you don’t want a crazy ex of his around your family or inner circle.

If he is willing to eliminate her contact from his cell phone, block her cell, home and work number from his cell, and block her from his social networks then it is going to be substantially harder for her to bother him.  If he truly is done with her then he will be interested in cutting off her contact just as much as you are.

If worse comes to worse insist that he give he a cease and desist warning

If worse comes to worse you can ask him to either call her or email her or text her in your presence that he has moved on with his life and wants no further contact with her via email, phone or other means of communication.  This message he sends to her should also warn her of further actions if she does not respect his wishes.  It is a cease and desist warning and if she continues to bother him then the two of you have a basis to make her really stay away.

Usually this official warning will be enough to make her leave him alone. Additionally, get a hardcopy or printout of the message or email with the date.  From this point forward make sure he promises to completely and totally ignore all further contact.  Then drop the subject and focus on your relationship with him.

Once you have proof that he has told her it is over, and have documentation of it, you will be in a good situation.  If she continues to bother him then he has the basis for taking further action such as contacting the police or getting a restraining order against her.  If your boyfriend is really done with his ex, he will be willing to tell her in no uncertain terms that it is over and that he is moving on with his life separately and does not wish to hear from her for these reasons.  

If your relationship solidifies eventually you may get to a confidence point where it does not bother you if he remains platonic-ally associated with his ex.  But as long as their relationship is fresh and you have concerns they might get back together, he should be willing to cut off contact with her for you.  If he refuses to do so he may in fact not be over her.  Remember to communicate with him rather than confront him. 

Have strong boundaries will only help you as it lets him know that you won’t be having wool pulled over your eyes.  If you don’t want to be part of a love triangle with his ex, then you must protect yourself and make sure you aren’t.  Your boyfriend will ultimately respect you for not putting up with un-boy-friendly behavior, not putting up with a crazy ex who won’t stop contacting him, and for being protective of your relationship with him.


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