How to get him to do more in the relationship

One of the common questions that women write in about and ask about is on how to get him to do more in the relationship.  As it relates to text message problems this question usually comes in the form of why won’t he initiate, I always have to initiate, why hasn’t he called or texted, signs he only wants a casual relationship, and why doesn’t he get back to me or initiate plans first.

All of the above questions center around the woman having the goal of somehow making the man love her and she is asking questions and making efforts to do things that will actually end up backfiring and sabotaging the relationship she wants.  Any method of trying to force attraction and passion just because you want it or have been dating for x period of time will not work.  Trying to pressure or control the outcome of any relationship is usually counter-productive.

Here are a few productive actions you can take to get him to naturally do more and want to do more in the relationship, regardless of whether the relation is casual dating or boyfriend/girlfriend.

Improve your attitude about life and disconnect your personal happiness from him

One thing you can do, is work on improving the person you are, the things that you do, and the productivity in your life.  This means working on feeling good about your situation in life regardless of anything going on with him.  The minute your life takes on a tone of happiness that has nothing to do with him or your status with him, we will want to spend time with you! 

A man just gets a vibe that you are happy which makes him happy, and which helps him feel like it is quite easy and natural to make you feel happy.  Happiness is infectious in relationship and if he sees he can please you without doing much work on his part, he will do so more often.  When you are happy with or without him, he is attracted.  He is turned off and driven away from a woman who is depressed, mopey, irritating and controlling when he is off doing other things.  That sort of behavior drives him away and does not inspire him to spend time alone with you.

Do less work, and don’t complain about it

When you become the woman who contacts and keeps in touch with him all the time, it trains him that he does not have to lift a finger for you. You might feel like you are forced to do this if you desire to spend time with him.  Initiating contact all the time can definitely yield results that you might see him more often, but is this what you really want?  Do you want to spend more time with a guy that can barely lift a finger to call you? 

While you think forcing more time together brings you closer it really does not.  All it does is allow him to take advantage of your hospitality, treat you as a doormat, and view you as someone who is just there all the time and requires to effort on his part to pursue.  All this leads to complacency and even though you are seeing him because you badger him into it, he is not into you the way he should be.  The relationship won’t progress but rather stay in a status quo where you do all the work and he just goes along until he find a woman he actually wants to and needs to pursue.

The key is to stop making the effort, and refuse to let his lack of effort upset you.  The last thing you want to do is be nasty and mean when he finally gets in touch with you because he has been blowing you off.  Be nice instead, but make 100% sure that you are making a concerted effort to find other things to do and other people to date while he is missing in action.  It’s not productive to bicker with him about it.  Just do what you gotta do instead, which is find other guys that do want to call you. 

When he sees you distancing he will either step it up or fizzle out.  If he fizzles out it won’t be your fault.  It will be because he just is not interested and because you stopped filling the void for him, you save yourself from being the doormat/string along girl. Don’t be the nat that buzzes around in his ear with constant texts that he wants to flick away and ignore. Be the girl who is off having fun in life, without needing to bother him.

Keep communications positive

Getting nasty when he stops initiating contact but is still willing to get intimate when it suits him, won’t help.  If you get nasty and get into power struggle communications about the relation it will only serve to drive him away and blame you.  If you quip about why he blew you off on Friday and Saturday night his natural reaction will be to let you know he wants to spend his Friday and Saturday nights with non-complainers. 

Trust me if he is treating you like an option not a priority and you start complaining and resenting on it, he will blame your complaining and resenting!  You are having a reaction to the problem and he turns around and says you are the problem.  Do you want to go into circles where your reaction to his behavior becomes the reason he blames his behavior on?  It’s going in circles. 

You must improve communication and not walk away or get massively irritated with him.  Wait for the right things up to bring things up delicately and without smashing a sledgehammer over his head.  He will be more likely to actually listen to you if he hears it in a nice setting and only has to hear it once.  Being able to keep your cool while he is acting like a rat forces him to see you in a whole new light.  He will be impressed that you don’t get into the mud with him on his disrespectful behavior.  Rise above it all and if he continues to treat you like a plan b, c, d, or f, just go find other interesting people to do things with.

If you want him to do more work in the relationship the key is for you to do less work in the relationship and allow that vacuum to exist where he actually has to either step up his efforts or watch you move on.  The key to success is to improve you happiness independent of him.  Be able to function without relying on him.  Do less work in initiating contact and you will really see what his interest level in you is. 

If he is interested in more than a casual relationship he will step up contact.  If he still want you in his life and sees you drifting away, he will touch base to try to reel you back in.  Don’t complain about his lack of initiation and interest level unless you find yourself a time with him where you can bring it up in a non-confrontational manner.  Make your point once and then act accordingly, making efforts to bring other people into your life to fill in the gap he creates by blowing you off.  While you may feel toxicly resentful over his blow off and lack of effort, getting angry and complaining to him will do you no good at all.  Acting out and taking swipes at him will only give him the bright idea of blaming his distancing behavior on your whining and complaining.  Don’t give him a copout excuse.

Do less work, text him way less, stop complaining, and work on being happy without him holding you up.  Trust me you will see a change in his behavior.  He will either disappear into the woodwork saving you a bunch of wasted time, or step up and want to spend time with you because you are happy, fun, exciting, have you own life, and are fun for him to spend time with.  He needs to have that little threat creeping in his head that if he doesn’t nab your time, someone else will and you will soon be gone.  This will inspire him to do more in the relationship.

Get him to do more


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