How to respond when he says he doesn’t want a girlfriend

Have you ever been dating a guy and thinking things were going well when your bubble got burst by his dreaded I don’t want a girlfriend speech?  This is the dread of most girls when they want things to progress with a guy they really dig.  And it happens all too often.  This article will give you some strategies on what to do when faced with this common guy problem.

Don’t over-analyze him

Girls always try to psyco-analyze guy speak.  When they tell you that they don’t want a girlfriend it’s the biggest obsession can of worms for a girl.  The thing is, that if a guy tells you he doesn’t want a girlfriend then you need to take it at face value. 

Usually he will give you the reasons why and for whatever reason you’ll obsess over the reasons and try to make mountains out of mole hills.  It usually comes down to this.  He enjoys seeing you and likely enjoys having sex with you but just doesn’t want to be exclusive.  When he says he doesn’t want a girlfriend he is saying that he wants to keep his options open.  He wants his freedom with no-one to owe explanations to, and he wants to be able to see other women if he wants to. He’s also not having an emotional urge to spend more and more time with you.

I know that it’s hurtful when a man says this but the key to getting past it is to just not over analyze it.  He’s telling you how he feels. Girls who get the don’t want a girlfriend speech usually dig their feet down and get into a confrontation with their man over it.  They start to resent their man and view them as selfish why buy the cow when you get the milk for free players.  The problem is that once he say’s he doesn’t want a girlfriend, your adding resistance and portraying him as selfish will only cement his decision! 

If you get into an ultimatum situation over his statements it can easily lead to the demise of your relationship.  The natural reaction is to say well if you don’t want to treat me as a girlfriend then I don’t want to be with you and so forth.  This creates a friction which can make you come off as the masculine one.  A demanding masculine woman is a total turnoff.  If he doesn’t want you as a girlfriend then adding more reasons for him not to want you such as being pushy about a relationship, is counter-productive.  The one thing men abhor is pushy women.

Focus on the positives

It’s tricky but there are some strategies and ways to react to his statements that work better than resistance.  Men admit readily that when they say they don’t want a girlfriend that it usually has something to do with you.  For whatever reason, they don’t want you to be a girlfriend.  Honestly, they don’t want to hurt your feelings but it almost always means that there is something about you that is stopping him from wanting to take that step.

Sometimes it’s as simple as you pressing him.  If you’re pressing him for something more and especially if you do this early on in the dating process, he is going to throw up the I don’t want a girlfriend blockade.  It’s like a dis-qualifier.  If you want a guy to be your boyfriend the best strategy is to not even bring it up.  And if he throws out a dis-qualifier don’t get into an argument or toxic discussion about it. Whatever you do, don’t get into a text message war over it.

The best thing to do is to drop that discussion and just focus on spending time together and enjoying it rather than torturing him about relationship status and over analyzing it.  The best way to get a boyfriend is for it to just happen naturally because you two continue to like to spend time together.  It really shouldn’t come out of discussions and you pressing him for a commitment.  In other words, talk is fairly cheap.  He needs to feel a gut feeling of wanting to be around you.  Then it’s really not a topic of discussion he just finds himself wanting to spend time with you.

Instead of fighting, create space

If he tells you that he doesn’t want a girlfriend then instead of fighting do this, back off.  That means that you should continue to be nice to him and enjoy time with him however reduce your availability a little bit.  What this does is that it shows him something.  It shows him that if he isen’t going to put you at a priority you aren’t going to be as available to him.  This way you don’t fight about anything or get into any discussions.  You just respond to his I don’t want a girlfriend dis-qualifier by reducing your availability. 

After all, if he’s so not into you then why should you be available to him at his beck and call?  What really works good here is when you’re still nice to him like you were before but just a little less available.  Tell him how you feel just one time then don’t rehash it.  Odds are if you back off instead of chase it will make him take notes.  He’s expecting you to be all over him and needy but instead you just shrug your shoulders and go do your own thing.  This is novel and it helps create attraction in him.

Self reflection

When you’re confronted with the old I don’t want a girlfriend disqualifier then you shouldn’t work harder to try and get your guy into you by chasing him or making demands and ultimatums.  What you can do is some self reflection and try to take stock in your own behavior.

Sometimes it’s things that you are doing that are driving him away.  For example, are you pressing him about exclusivity too early on in the dating processs?  If so, this is man repellant.  Are you pursuing him and texting and calling him all the time?  Taking away his ability to pursue you and steer the relationship is another turn off for men.  The minute you try to take the reins of control of a relationship a man can eliminate you as girlfriend material.

Are you too dependent on him?  Men like an independent woman with her own life.  Someone that is busy and has things going on, not sitting around obsessing over the definition of a boyfriend and why he hasn’t called her.  I don’t think men like feeling responsible for the happiness of a woman.  They don’t want to think about it.  They want a woman who does her own thing and then they can go after her to spend time with her.  Seriously they should be working to get your attention and not the other way around.

If he’s told you that he doesn’t want a girlfriend you should believe him.  Create some space from him but treat him nice, which should really throw him for a loop.  That shows independence and is the opposite of what he’ll be expecting which is clinginess, ultimatums, whining and complaining.  The most important thing is to take stock in your own behavior.  If you’re being the aggresor or being too pushy you might get resistance from him in the form of I don’t want a girlfriend. 

All men want a girlfriend when it’s the right woman.  They can claim they don’t want a girlfriend until the cows come home but when the right girl comes along they do want one.  It’s entirely possible that he sees some problems with you in particular.  If he’s told you he doesn’t like certain things that you do be sure to make conscious efforts to listen.  If he says he’s busy and not to text him constantly and you continue to do it, that simple thing can be a disqualifier for him. 

It’s not that you have to do whatever he wants, thats not the point.  It’s that often times he’ll give you clear signals as to problems that he sees and if you bulldoze over them he is not going to view you as responsive to his needs.  If he says he doesn’t want a girlfiend don’t over analyze him or dissect him or get furious with him.  Don’t give him an ultimatum.  Take it at face value and rather than making demands on him just change yourself. 

Back off and be a little less available.  Take stock of things you might be doing that are creating problems for him.  Show him that you aren’t selfish.  Stop talking about the relationship and spend quality time with him instead, rewarding him when he makes the effort to go out of his way for you. 

Change yourself. Make positive changes without bothering him about it

Has he pointed out any deal breakers to you that you’ve been ignoring? It’s crucial that if he’s pointed out that he is unhappy with certain things you’re doing, you acknowledge his concerns and make a genuine effort to change.  Try to fix any problems you have by changing the way you are as opposed to demanding he change. Make positive changes and stick to them. If you make positive changes then he may well follow suit! Beyond that you can’t do much else. 

Do improve yourself and be good company to him when he makes an effort to see you.  Don’t become a wreck because he doesn’t want you as a girlfriend. If you honestly work on yourself and have addressed any issues he’s pointed out and he still doesn’t want you as a girlfriend that’s his prerogative.  Not everyone is going to fall madly in love with you. Timing, personality, chemistry, and personal preferences don’t always align one hundred percent.


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