In some cases addictive texting starts when one person rejects another who does not want to be rejected. If the rejected party just can’t seem to let go, they can start obsessive texting. In this case, the texting problem comes from the texters inability to accept rejection.
In other cases, the dance is more subtle. If your boyfriend (or girlfriend) is ding-donging with affection then rejection by acting interested then acting cold and uninterested, the addictive texting is getting caused by the confusion this causes you. First you feel accepted, then they feel discarded and rejected. The cognitive dissonance leaves a person confused and they start texting addictively out of insecurity and as a result of getting mixed signals. They text to try and hamster wheel themselves from the rejected state back to accepted mode. It’s called trying to text your way out of rejection and it doesn’t work.
Whether you’re addictively texting somone because of pure rejection, or because you are getting confusing mixed signals, the no contact rule can really help you make a clean getaway from your problem. No contact means no contact. You don’t text, phone, initiate, respond to, or look at social media profles of the person. You avoid contact with them altogether.
No contact rule should not be played as a game. It should be implemented when you need help getting away from a relationship that you recognize is inherently bad for you. It should be implemented when someone has told you that they aren’t interested in you. So many women view the no contact rule as a dating ploy to get their man to notice them or want them back. Even published books tell you that after you get dumped the best reaction is to not contact your ex. That gives him a chance to miss you and inspires him (or her) to come sniffing back around.
Using no contact rule to manipulate him is just a game
Many women use the no contact rule dating advice to follow this players strategy. You go no contact and take attention away from a person then they will eventually miss the attention they used to be getting from you. It’s like ignoring someone, or giving them the silent treatment. This is wrong. You shouldn’t be using no contact rule as a tactic to get someone back you should be using it as a tactic to help you move on for real.
The no contact rule when its being used to try and trick or dupe or persuade someone to come back by virtue of punishing them with no attention or acknowledgement of their existence, is just a game people play. Sure it might have some psychological benefits on the ex because suddenly they are not getting the attention they are used to. So they feel insecure and start to question their value and come back around for validation. Or they feel lonely and come back. They may come back after you you’ve been executing the no contact psychological warfare but unless the problems in the relationship are addressed there is little hope for a reconciliation to last.
Using no contact to deprive an ex of attention so they come crawling back is game playing and only superficially effective. It doesn’t really solve the main problems in the relationship. Using no contact to help remove yourself from a bad relationship is smart.
When to use the no contact rule? When you know you need to leave a toxic relationship
The no contact rule is best used when you really need to disentangle yourself from someone you are obsessed or addicted to, yet who you’ve recognized is bad for you. If you are texting obsessively to a boyfriend or girlfriend, you might have an unhealthy obsession. Maybe they rejected you or don’t give you enough attention and validation so you are constantly chasing after them for an ego validation. If your partner is treating you poorly it is likely creating anxiety and neediness in your personality which is likely to start come out as a bunch of texts.
An Oxytocin hormonal addiction to a person can cause you to hang on to someone that doesn’t value or appreciate you as they should. Insecurity, neediness and fear of rejection often drive the excessive text messaging problem. If you find yourself turning into a basket case over a relationship where you can’t seem to stop butting horns with your partner then perhaps the relationship is toxic. You’re engaged and addicted and in love, but not with something healthy.
The best reason to go no contact is when you really and truly need to get away from someone and cut them out of your life because deep down you recognize that the relationship no matter how intoxicating, is not good for you. No contact means you just block the person out of your life. You stop texting, emailing, facebooking, stalking, spying and googling that person. You hit the reset button on the whole thing and cut contact taking one single day at a time until your emotional stability is restored and you aren’t obsessed about them anymore. Out of sight out of mind.
Some women and men too fail to see the signs that they need to excise a toxic partner out of their lives completely. Blocking them out helps to reset your emotional state and get over them. If you are not sure whether to cut someone out of your life read below for red flags. If your partner is consistently doing any of these things listed below then you might want to go no contact and get on with your life without them.
There is no harm in giving someone a second chance if they mess up. However, if you start to see a pattern of lying, deceit, betrayal or dishonesty it is likely a core personality disorder within the person that won’t be readily fixed. If this is the case, it may be healther to wise up and opt out. Cut bait and go no contact and start watching after yourself.
Go no contact if you have been repeatedly lied to
Everybody will lie at some point in a relationship and put on a mask. Lying can certainly be forgiven several times as no person is totally pure in their ethic. But when your boyfriend or girlfriend repeated lies to the point where all trust is shattered then it is time to opt out and go no contact. Don’t accept abusive behavior because that enables it.
Some cheaters will lie and cover their affairs. But if they are normal people they will come clean, express remorse and admit to what has happened. If you love the person it is possible to get through a down period of lies or cheating and still make it with that person. Normal people who lie will express remorse, go to counseling, and do the necessary things to restore the relationship. For example, they will accept living as an open-book for their significant other so that trust has a chance to be rebuilt.
If however,the lies are systematic and your boyfriend just won’t stop lying, it’s time to opt out. Chronic lying is pathological and you are dealing with someone who you can’t even sort out the truth from what they say. If you have literally zero trust in them anymore and they are still secretive and into deny, deny, deny then don’t stick around. Go no contact and get a ton of separation time so that you can figure out if you want to be with a pathological liar.
Go no contact if you have been repeatedly cheated on
Not all people are good people. Some will try to get you bonded and once you are oxytocin hooked on them, they view you as an object and a victim for manipulation and pleasure. This type of person will like to get you loving them, then do something extremely heinous like cheat on you. If you are constantly feeling like you are waiting for the shoe to drop, he could be getting pleasure out of torturing you.
The fact that you hang on to him, chase after him, beg to makeup after fights that aren’t even your fault, or accept blame for his cheating are all something he watches with smug enjoyment. Seriously if you are hooking up with a sociopath liar he will get a certain amount of pleasure out of emotionally messing you around. If your boyfriend is not loving you or respecting your feelings, he might have tendencies of a sociopath or a narcissist at the least.
A person who acts with no compassion, soul or remorse is dangerous to your health. No matter how high the highs are, the lows will be ten times worse. A chronic cheater is the type of person that you should probably run from and no contact is part and parcel to helping you do just that. Short answer as to how to deal with a serial cheat who is hurting you? Run.
Go no contact if you have been played on
If your boyfriend (or girlfriend) has a sociopath’s personality, you are going to be emotionally taxed in the relationship. At first the sociopath will draw you in hook, line and sinker. They will project themselves as everything you’ve told them you are looking for. The intimacy will be fantastic, the chemistry will be fantastic and you’ll be on cloud nine. This is what they do to get their hooks in you and get you addicted.
As the relationship progresses you will notice that you have to compete for their affection. If they withdraw at first, you will love the scintillating challenge and drama of making them yours again. All along they will hold a carrot of a relationship just to string you along but you will never really be in a relationship. For example, you’ll think you’re in a relationship but in reality you’ll have a guy just coming over to your house for some action.
If you are played upon it is so emotionally draining. After a while you will never feel like you are good enough. You will chase after this person and after being let down several times you’ll release some anger. This person will break plans with you and you’ll text them fifty times about how upset you are to get cancelled on time and time again and they will dispassionately ignore your texts. If you push them on issues of honesty or integrity you’ll become too much trouble and they will dump you for someone new. If you didn’t have an obsessive texting problem before this person will make you have one now.
A player will date you while he continues to pursue opportunities with other women. He can even train you to accept abusive treatment because if you get upset with him for this he’ll leave. So you’ll accept shoddy behavior just to get him to half-way stick around. These are tactics that a player who has abusive tendencies learns to use on their victims. If you are recognizing any of this stuff and its sounding familiar to your situation then its time to opt out. Dealing with a player takes too much out of you emotionally and its better to get away.
Spend time surfing and reading up on players, sociopaths and narcissistic personality disorder. Such sites explain that you can never win with such a person and that sometimes cutting your losses and going no contact is the only way to get out. You’ll never get a player to do what you want. He only does what he wants. Players are also skilled at leaving women and even delight in breaking hearts since that is symbolic of how successful their game is, so be careful.
Go no contact if you have been hoovered
The hoover maneuver is named after the vacuum cleaner and refers to your boyfriend or girlfriend trying to suck you back into a toxic relationship with them. Usually with this maneuver the abuser apologizes and even returns to the same wonderful person they were when you originally met. This will be temporary though. After they have you wrapped around their finger yet again, they will return to their usual selves and start to yo-yo you around once more. That’s why no contact works wonders. It disables the hoover maneuver.
If you aren’t talking by phone or text then it doesn’t allow him opportunity to suck you back in. You need time to get away because if you get hoovered back in and he lets you down once again you’ll be starting no contact from scratch. Watch out for signs of hoovering and don’t fall for them. If he’s cheated on you three times what good will his hoovering attempt do? You shouldn’t be talking to him much less being with him period.
Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend who literally acts bi-polar on you? One day they can be super sweet and loving, and then the next they treat you like a stranger and ignore you? Then when you go to confront them about it they either don’t want to talk to you about it, brush it off, give vague excuses or use the silent treatment on you? Such a person will turn you into a wreck.
If your boyfriend acts bi-polar with his affection it can make you into the pursuer/stalker. He makes plans with you on a Friday night and never follows through. Suddenly, you are the one texting him like a crazy person in response. Why did you break plans? How could you be that mean? You don’t treat me well. Don’t you have any respect for my feelings? Normal people make plans and keep them. Etc. His bi-polar affection and rejection will turn you into a psyco texter faster than anything else in the world.
It’s taxing to take care of or respond to or communicate with a behaviorally challenged child that is in a grown persons body. It turns you into a child just dealing with it. Once the cons outweigh the pros on a boyfriend its time to go no contact. Get some serious separation which will give you perspective on the relationship and how you are being treated. Sometimes you don’t realize how co-dependent you are or how toxic a relationship is until you actually get away from it. Get some distance. If your boyfriend (or girlfriend) is draining you of your life force and soul then you should stop contacting him. Stop texting him to try and turn yourself into a donut to make it work or get him back. Run in the other direction instead by going no contact. After a few weeks or months your boyfriend will move on and you’ll be free of a toxic relationship.
Hoovering is is dangerous because your abusive boyfriend (or girlfriend) tries to suck you back into the relationship with him. They might go MIA and then text you, apologize, compliment you, even shower you with gifts or hollow promises. If you know you need to break free from someone who won’t let you go or someone that you can’t seem to let go of yourself, then no contact is the cure. Don’t let them suck you back in with manipulation or be scared they will find someone new. They might find someone new and that will be the best thing that ever happened to you because now you won’t be texting or getting texts from a morally bankrupt person.
Go no contact if you have been gas-lighted
Has your boyfriend or girlfriend created cognitive dissonance with you? Has he showered you with affection and made plans with you to make things better then stood you up on those plans and literally houdini’d himself away? Sociopaths will love bomb you like this.
You go into a credible high period thinking that things are finally on the up-tick. Suddenly poof they vanish and pretend they don’t even know you. They go from worshipping and doting on you to criticizing you and calling you nothing special. Such blowing hot and cold can make you start to think you are crazy! And it can make you text like crazy too!And just when you believe you don’t know him, he comes back around getting all cozy and tight with you again. If your boyfriend is making you go suicidal with the ups and downs, hot and cold, on and off and unpredicatable behavior then its time to stop his gas lighting of you and cut off contact.
Going no contact can be equated to kicking heroin. This person is like a bad drug for you. Every day you try to be away from them is depressing and difficult and going through no contact is never easy. Don’t worry. If you go no contact you will wade through a serious period of misery then numbness but after a while you will start to feel better and also you will see the flaws that were there in the relationship more clearly.
The no contact rule is good to employ when trying to extricate yourself from someone you love but who chooses to repeatedly lie, cheat, play, hoover or gas-light you. If the person you are with makes a sport out of lying he is definitely not a person you should be text messaging and pursuing. Try blocking him or changing your number and never talking to him again instead. Don’t bother to try and get validation from the very person that is hurting you.
Great article!!! Hats off to the author!!!
Been doing online dating for over 2 years and run into a lot if these people. If the relation starts good but later starts making you feel bad then it is not working, cut your losses and move on. Sounds simple, well it is