Are you in a subtle or blatant back and forth with a lover? Does he mainly just text you for plans and drift in and out of your life going missing for weeks at a time?
Are you constantly fighting then making up weeks later after not talking and missing each other? Is he up to god knows what during his absenses?
It may feel like a rush and letdown all rolled together in the hay. But what you may not realize, is that a hot and cold lover is really conducting a booty-call relationship with you in disguise.
He goes from warm and inviting and weaseling his way to your house because he misses you, to cold and unsure and busy and distant, and pretty much pushing you away. Sound familiar? It is time to understand that men will get away with whatever they can. So if he is doing this to you, it is partly your problem for allowing it.
Emotional Roller Coaster
It’s just great to be on the emotional roller coaster when you are at the top of the ride. But the bottom sucks and trust me there are more bottoms than tops in an on and off relationship. Don’t let yourself be put through this ride with a man! And, if you are on this ride already, you can get off of it. Nothing stops you from getting off the ride early.
The reason is that an on and off relationship is really just a booty call in disguise. Why you might ask? Because just like a booty call, it ultimately goes nowhere, it drags on, and you feel messed around and used when all is said and done. You are with a person that is taking, but not giving back. If you tolerate an on and off relationship, what you are really tolerating is one big drawn out booty call.
An on and off relationship in which you are emotionally invested is even worse than a booty call because in an on and off relationship you are always holding out hope that this time, you two are turning the corner to something real. But the corner always stays in the distance. The upshot is that you can wind up wasting years of your life on a loser that you help create.
History writes itself in Relationships
Someone once told me that history writes itself in relationships. And that is very true. If you have a history of an on and off relationship it is mouse brained for you to think that this will change going forward. Look at the history and that is probably what the future will bring. If he wanted to have a committed relationship of be involved in your life he would have gotten more involved by now.
As women we want to do something, fix something, make something work. Sometimes to make a relationship work we become more and more and more accommodating. He’s busy, we try to be understanding. He breaks plans, we give him the benefit of the doubt, he’s still dating and we rationalize that he’s not really into anyone else. His profile is still on the web and we believe that he really isen’t actively looking.
Time to stop believing him and his stupid excuses
It’s time to stop believing him and took a frank look at how he is treating you. Believe that. Quit trying to bend yourself into a pretzel pleasing him because it only teaches him what he can get away with. Once you train him that you’ll take him back after a cold streak he knows he can get away with it and therefore will.
Don’t expect him to be nice all on his own because he is more likely to just sink to the lowest level of effort you enable him to. You deserve alot better than a man who only shows up in your face when it’s convenient for him or when he is looking for something or needs something like free sex. If you ardently accept him and try to be open and accepting you will seriously create a monster.
How to call a spade a spade, or a booty-call a booty-call
If you are in an on and off relationship it’s time to label it for what it is. A booty-call in which you are emotionally invested. It’s time to call his bluff and hit him out of the park next time he goes MIA or acts confused, moody, brooding and gone. Here are tips to put him into line or excise him out of your life without anesthesia.
When he steps back, you step back even further
When he steps back on you, don’t take him back with open arms. Do the exact opposite of acceptance. Step back further than him! That way you are training him that if he disappears you won’t be readily available when he comes sniffing back around. Don’t be a doormat. If he disappears on you then take his disappearance time and literally double it. You’ll either never see him again or train him that the old Houdini routine won’t work on you. He will respect you more for it.
Stop giving
If he isen’t giving to you, stop giving to him. Don’t clean his house, buy him clothes, or do financial favors for him. You’ll get taken advantage of if you keep giving and giving to a guy that is taking and taking. It won’t make him want to get serious with you and it will train him to use you. If he doesn’t bother to return your texts then stop returning his. If he breaks plans with you then don’t make plans with him. Seriously dole out a punishment every time you see him being a total taker. The punishment is simple – don’t give.
A used is going to be a user. The second you see user behavior you should stop giving. Did you buy clothes for him, only to see him take pictures of himself in those clothes and post them on an Internet dating site? Did you get intimate with him only to him wait a week or two to call you? Did he text you and have him text you back to say I am busy I’ll text you later and then he never bothers to text you later?
Did he make maybe plans with you that had you sitting around for maybe plans that never wound up happening? Does he cancel on you with total disregard to your time and your life? Does he initiate plans after the night already happened. Are you the after-plan and not the plan? Does he say he is busy while meanwhile has plenty of time to friend women up on his face-book account? Do you feel like what he tells you doesn’t add up? Read the signs. If he is executing on and off eff-out behavior, he is running a covert booty call operation on you!
Become totally unavailable
If you are getting hold and cold treatment become unavailable. You can even tell him the outright truth. You are blowing hot and cold and I don’t like how that feels and I am not available to be part of that, Bye Bye. Seriously. Hit him out of the park and let his head spin. He’ll probably get offended, blow you off as punishment, and act like he doesn’t care. He may well go find a willing women and you’ll be so jealous. But at the end of the day if he really likes you he will lick his wounds and come back around treating you better and respecting you more.
Try not to play a fake unavailable game. If you need to become unavailable to a guy that is treating you like a plan B or no better than a married man having an affair with a Mistress, you better get busy. Completely redo you house, go get a massive beauty treatment, take on a project, do a spring clean, get on a serious workout or diet program. Do something major so that you actaully are busy, not just fake busy.
Stop compromising yourself
Women are so scared to get left and they have good reason to be. It’s a tougher dating market than ever before. Men can find sex without commitment so if you don’t give them that there is always another woman behind the curtain that will. It’s dog eat dog. But the thing is, fear and accommodation won’t get you the guy anyways. Don’t allow yourself to get used just. Don’t compromise your self-respect just to keep an opportunity (aka a lost cause) to bump somebody. Remember that.
It’s one thing to be compromising and accommodating but it’s another things to compromise yourself and your own self respect. For example, pretending to be okay with a guy who is an eff-out dating other women secretly or right under your nose. It’s compromising yourself to be tolerant of being treated like dirt just to keep him coming around because he has other options.
No amount of compromising will get the guy. In fact, a kick upside the head and a get the heck out of my life you total flake would work better than being an accommodating flake. Men act like they want a woman who puts up with anything but in reality they respect and commit to women who put up with nothing.
Get rid of the fear to be single
Don’t operate on an assumption that if you give to a fault you will get the guy. Don’t be scared that you will be single forever if you kick a man to the curb because he is blowing hot and cold and poof, vanish on you regularly. You will only be single temporarily. If you get good boundaries and good self respect you will actually have more men willing to stick around because they will see you as a woman who can’t be walked all over.
If you find yourself in a twist and turn, on and off, bull crappie relationship where you are getting houdini’s and supplied with a lot of stupid excuses, it’s time for a radical rejection of that behavior. Don’t be scare to be alone and single and miserable because in the end you will be better girlfriend material than ever before.
Think of it this way. If you aren’t willing to be a booty call then there really is only one option for a guy to get close to you and that is if he becomes your boyfriend. Having good boundaries and being unwilling to accept poor treatment will increase your marketability to men, not decrease it. Bingo, that is what you want.
|
