Relationship red flag: You playing detective

Is your boyfriend or girlfriend making you feel insecure in the relationship?  Do you feel like you are no longer special to him, or easily replaced?  A boyfriend who is on his way out may be acting in such a way that makes these emotions come out in you.

Does he treat you as though you are easily replaced?

He doesn’t need you.  He has other sources of affection and attention.  This is especially true if he is dating several people or insists on remaining active on public dating web sites.  He has other women complimenting him and admiring him.  If there are other women fawning after your boyfriend and he encourages this worship, he wants to be spoiled and admired and he wants you to believe that he truly must be this great guy.  After all, he’s got options.

Take a careful look around.  His so called options may well be other women he is seeing in addition to you.  If he is acting like you can be easily discarded if you don’t give him positive energy, he probably has other sources of supply.  This sort of emotional abuse to where you feel like you are walking on eggshells and if you do any questioning you will get dumped, is just unacceptable.  Noone should make you walk on eggshells for fear of getting replaced.

In order to prevent this type of emotional abuse you must have self respect.  You know what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in a relationship.  But somehow you’ve idealized him as the perfect man (or woman) of your dreams and you refuse to let go.  You keep trying to pursue him to make things right while he scans his many options.  The problem is that you must get your self respect in order.  You should know that any man who antagonizes you and cheats on you is not worth your time.  No matter how high value you think he is, you’ll never win with such a man. 

Is he turning you into a detective?

Are you resorting to becoming “crazy” because you question his sketchy behavior?  Do you find yourself cyberstalking him, checking his phone records, calling other women, or grasping at his cell phone to spy on his text messages?  Have you ever trying to guess what his password was to a social networking account?  Have you ever made yourself into an “impostor” by creating a fake dating internet date profile or Facebook persona to see if he would approach you and willingly cheat on the real you?

The detective rule

You should never resort to becoming this crazy over his sketchy behavior!  Here is what some call the Detective rule.  The rule simply says that if you find yourself playing detective with someone you are involved with, remove them from your life!  Yes that is right, remove them from your life immediately! 

Don’t stay with someone that you are having to play detective with!  Don’t do it!  You don’t play detective with anyone else in your life so don’t start now.  If you find yourself playing detective this is a blaring red flag sign that you need to get out of the relationship.  Believe it or not, you are probably getting abused in this relationship and you need to excise yourself out of it altogether.

Spying, snooping, questioning, calling, peeking.  All these things are the common denominator of a toxic relationship.  If you have that much of a sense of distrust it is clearly time to trust your gut.  Stop blaming yourself for not being good enough.  Stop turning yourself into a pretzel trying to be good enough.  If you have a sense of distrust to that level of where you are snooping on him, trust your gut. 

The detective rule says that if you are cyper checking, text spying, over texting, worrying or doubting where you stand with him, it is time to stop blaming yourself and simply remove this person from you life.  That means no contact, block them, ignore them, don’t text them, and generally disengage from them.  If you do this, you will experience a true miracle.  You will stop acting crazy!  The feeling of distrust and unease and paranoia will leave you.   Lose the guy, save your sanity.

If you are unable to realize that what he is doing is harmful because you have idealized or wishful thinking sickness, then look at your own behavior.  Sometimes your own behavior is easier to understand and see.  You might be in denial about him but certainly you do know what is normal for you.  This is helpful.  You know yourself and how you are deep down better than anyone.  Look at yourself because if you’re feeling kookoo in this relationship its time to opt out. 

Are you acting crazy? Are you paranoid? Are you spying?  Are you wasting hours googling him?  Creating fake profiles?  Calling ex-girlfriends to ask questions?  If you are doing this and you weren’t doing this type of thing before you met him, trust me, it’s him.  If you never sent 100 lunatic texts and now you have because you were kvetching about his breaking plans or accusing him of seeing other people, it’s him.  If you don’t like yourself and the way you are acting because of who he is and what he is doing, it’s him.

Never let a crazy-making boyfriend or girlfriend turn you into a detective.  You don’t want to be a detective, you should not have to be a detective, and being a detective is crazy making in and off itself.  If your guy or gal has been slowly turning you into a detective take this as a major red flag that you are knee deep in a toxic relationship.  Get out of the relationship, and trust me, your crazy will go away fast.  Lose the guy, keep your sanity.

Relationship red flag, you playing detective


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