Signs that your boyfriend is not over his ex

Are you worried that your boyfriend is not over his ex?  If you feel insecure that your boyfriend is not over his ex you may have valid concerns.  Here are a few signs that can let you know he still has feelings about her, and tips for what to do about it.

If you feel insecure, you may have valid concerns. Trust your instincts

If you feel insecure that your boyfriend is not over his ex, there may be a valid concern.  The most important thing is to trust your instincts. 

Women often push the red flags they see under the carpet because they don’t want to face any unfavorable news about their boyfriend.  This donning of the rose colored glasses can come back to bite you later on.  If you feel in your gut that there is something amiss, your instincts are raising red flags, or you see yourself making excuses for your boyfriends distant behavior, don’t ignore that.  Don’t delude yourself when deep down you know differently.

Usually when you feel insecure that your boyfriend is not emotionally all yours, you are right.  If he starts becoming distant, contacts you less, breaks plans, or goes missing for days at a time there is usually a reason.  No he is not that busy, no he is not that overwhelmed, no there is no feeble excuse.  Emotional distance is emotional distance. 

You don’t want to ruin your relationship by badgering him about the ex.  The key is to notice that he may not have his heart all the way with you.  If you notice this, then you may want to slow the relationship down a notch and take your time to see how it is going to pan out. 

The proper attitude to adopt is cautious optimism.  Every one has baggage and everyone has a past relationship.  If all signs are that he is into you, you should give him the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise.  Try to have a good relationship with him is the main thing you can do.  If he falls for you, his ex will become ancient history.  Only time will tell.

If he still talks about his ex, then he may not be seeing her but nonetheless still has feelings about her

If he still talks about his ex to you it can be a big indicator
that he is not over her.  Be forewarned that your relationship with him may fail because of this.  When you aren’t over someone, it’s like emotional vomit and you can barely keep yourself from puking up.  When you are still into someone you just can’t stop talking about them because you are still obsessed with them and with the relationship and with what went wrong and with what led to the breakup. Therefore, if he brings up the ex and continues to talk about what she did, how their relationship ended, or how horrible she is, he may not be over her. 

Usually when you are over someone you aren’t talking about them anymore.   If he is talking about her, she is still in the picture at least in his head anyways.  That does not bode well for you.  You might squelch such conversations but take note because he was persevering about her, with you.  That spells rebound and that spells trouble.  Asking him not to bring it up won’t change the fact that she is still on his mind.

There is a thin line between love and anger particularly when two people have broken up.  If your ex is still angry with his ex that’s an emotional connection.  It may be a negative emotional connection, but don’t disregard it.  If he is still upset it means he really isen’t over her.  Don’t allow yourself to become the solace or the rebound girl for a relationship that has not fully played out its course.  You could become an emotional casualty of their lovers quarrel if he winds up back with her instead of with you.

You can also ask him if he still has feelings for his ex.  He will probably deny it but pay close attention to how he reacts about the topic of her.  Look at his eyes and his body language and see if you get a hunch that he is not over her at all.  Be careful not to ask too many questions about the ex such as what happened, what she looked like and so on.  You don’t want to carpet bag the ex into the current relationship.  Only bring her up if there is a real concern that he is seeing her, thinking about her, communicating with her, or openly admitting he still has feelings about her.

If he is wishy washy with you about getting serious or being monogamous, then he may not be over his ex

If he acts wishy washy with you or starts to have stupid excuses about how the two of your need to slow down, be concerned that he is not over his ex. In a rebound relationship the man will jump in fast with the new woman. Once he is in neck deep however, he may start to back peddle. If he gave you the full court press to get involved and now he’s pulling back on you, it can be a sign that he is not over his ex.

If he is not over his ex then within a few months of dating you he is going to be back-peddling out of commitment. You might see him hang out with you less, pick fights with you, or otherwise sabotage his relationship with you. Usually he does this on purpose or subconsciously because he does not want the relationship to move forward. He is not over his ex.

If he is over his ex, he will read more like an open book and give you access to his feelings and his life in general. He won’t be silencing his phone, hiding his phone, and having secret passwords. If he is secretive on his social networks for example, not friending you on facebook or friending you but not showing you off, he may not be over his ex. 

If he friends you but then uses security settings so that you can’t see his public comments this is another warning sign, especially if he is still friends with his ex on facebook.  Usually when you break up and have no plans to get back with your ex, you take down the photos of the two of you as a couple and out yourself as single.

If you feel like you are being kept in his secret broom closet and your relation with him is not out in the open, assume he is not over his ex.  A boyfriend who is not over his ex will be secretive.  He will act secretive. He will be protective of their photographs, protective of his social networks, protective of bringing you around his inner circle, and he will be sketchy. 

Pay attention to his cell phone and texting.  If he is not over his ex he will hold his phone close to his heart and it won’t be flopped out on the table when he showers.  If he flops his cell phone out with no concern about privacy it is a sign that he has nothing to hide.  If he takes his phone even to the bathroom with him, never sets it down near you, has it always silenced or on vibrate, or is password protected, he is not over his ex. 

If he is secretive about his cell phone then he is not over his ex

Men who aren’t over their ex are secretive with their cell phones because they are either communicating with their ex, communicating about their ex to others, or hoping to get some incoming communication from their ex.  If their ex is still bothering your boyfriend they would be open about that too.  They would say, she keeps texting me and needs to get over it since I’ve moved on.  In other words, they would be open and frank about the breakup and about any incoming communication from the ex.

If he says things like lets take it slow, I don’t want to be exclusive, I don’t want a girlfriend right now, or I just got out of relationship and want to date, these are serious flags that he is not over his ex. Women who want a relationship to work may overlook these signs and assign excuses to them such as he doesn’t trust me yet, he just needs time or I need to try harder to please him. If he is not over his ex then nothing you do will help the situation, and the more desperate you get to please him the more claustrophobic he will become. You will smother him, because he is not over his ex.

If he is back peddling out of the simplest of commitments, he is not over his ex. If he refuses to be monogamous, he is not over his ex. If he keeps you at arms length and doesn’t invite you into his life or out with his friends, he is not over his ex.  If he refuses to have any accountability towards you as to what he does with his time, he is not over his ex.

If you catch him doing anything questionable, Houston there is a problem

If you catch your boyfriend still secretly communicating with his ex then you have even more of a reason to be concerned.  Sure some ex’s are still friends, sure some ex’s still compliment each other on facebook photos, sure some ex’s are platonic.  But most are not.  There is a big difference between a local girl that he dated just months before meeting you, and a sweetheart from the past that he hasn’t talked to in 20 years. 

The closer the ex is to his present life, the more concerned you have to be.  If he works with her every day, its a way bigger concern than if he never sees her in his day to day life.  If you catch your boyfriend texting her, emailing her, meeting with her, or doing anything secretively with her, you have to assume there is the distinct possibility that he is still not over his ex.  Proceed with caution in this situation.

If your boyfriend respects you and cares about your relationship, he will probably be willing to discontinue communication with his ex.  That means he isen’t texting her, calling her, or hanging out with her.  Their contact should be at a minimum.  If he is willing to have a minimal contact with her, and doesn’t talk about her, you can assume that he is over her.

Your boyfriend and his ex have a history, in order to compete with that make your own history with him

The biggest advantage that your boyfriend has with his ex is that they have a shared history together.  At the outset of the relationship you can’t compete with that but you have your own weapon which is that things are novel and new with you and him.  You’ve got an advantage of a clean slate in the honeymoon phase.

If you think your boyfriend is still not over his ex then proceed with cautious optimism.  Try to move the relationship along slowly.  This will help you to avoid becoming a rebound.  If he gets in to deep with you too quickly right after a breakup, it could be a rebound.  Get to know him slowly and spend time doing new things with him.  After a few months you should have a history with him as well and it will make him more likely to stay with you.

If you think your boyfriend is not over your ex then your concerns may be valid.  Insecurity always has a basis in reality.  It is usually getting fed by his behavior.  Maybe he is distant, maybe he still is in contact with his ex, maybe he is going places where you have to worry that the two of them will bump into each other.  Trust your instincts and take the relationships slowly if you are suspicious that something is up.

If your relationship surpasses the 3 month mark you can start to relax that this is not a rebound.  Work on having a healthy happy relationship with him and build your own history with him.  As long as the ex seems to be out of the picture and he is spending time with you, then it is all about the two of you.  If you feel like he is giving you a fair shake and really trying to be with you, then trust that he is.  If he falls in love with you and feels like you are an inherently better, natural fit for him as a partner, he will be over his ex in no time.


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