Stop texting him (her) and become tough, steady, and consistent

Is your boyfriend or girlfriend tearing you to shreds psychologically?  Are you feeling insecure or suspicious of him?  Never underestimate the cruelties and treacheries of dealing with a mean or narcissistic partner.  With a narcissist you are going to feel insecure, needy and like you are walking on eggshells in the relationship.  Every narcissist is strictly out for himself or herself and they have no idea the devastating effects they can have on you. 

Being on the receiving end of poor treatment by a boyfriend or girlfriend is one of the biggest reasons women/men start addictive texting.  Addictive texting is quite often a response to getting dumped abrubtly or rudely, or getting abused.  It is important to understand this especially if you were a normal sane person before you met him or her, and now all of a sudden you find yourself turning into a bonafide text stalker!

Signs that you are dating a narcissist include that they never think they are wrong and they never take responsibility.  Therefore, all arguments with them just go in circles as the blame is shifted back on you.  This is one of the reason why you might start texting, is to try and explain yourself, defend yourself or complain about things that the narcissist you are dating is doing.  You won’t win.  Narcissists are first in line to call their ex’s psycho.  You never win with this type of person and they will almost always outwit you, therefore you may as well stop texting them.

Dealing with a boyfriend or girlfriend who cancels plans on you, stands you up, doesn’t return phone calls and texts, goes missing for days or weeks, is perpetually too busy for you, is seeing other people simultaneously, has lied to you or is flat out cheating on you, is enough to drive anyone crazy.  Instead of allowing that narcissist to send you over the edge you should think of it as an opportunity and a challenge.  The challenge is to become tough, steady, and consistent.  Don’t let the narcissist blame you for everything and call you selfish.  Establish some strong boundaries for yourself instead.

Relationship tip: Become tough

If you are dealing with a toxic relationship, the chances are that you are doing alot of self reflecting and introspection on all the things you’ve done wrong.  This is normal and the human thing to do.  But then when you go chasing after that mean girlfriend or boyfriend and try to explain how you feel to them, or beg them to make up with you, assume all of the blame for the sake of making up, or apologize tell them that you recognize you were at fault for getting upset, guess what happens?  The narcissist will turn everything back on you and even use it against you later.  They will say, it’s all because you are selfish and you even admit it yourself!  They’ll blame their cheating or misbehavior on the way you are acting rather than admit blame themselves and make amends for it.

Stop taking the blame for everything, begging them to take you back, or trying to force their brains to understand how you feel by laying it out in a series of texts.  Are you texting them because you are upset because they broke plans they made with you?  Are you texting because they made sexy comments on another woman’s photographs just to get a reaction out of you?  Are you getting down low to the really petty level with them?  You’re dealing with a grown adult and trust me you don’t need to send them 100 text messages about what being stood up or dissed feels like.  Instead of cow-towing to the narcissist, you need to work on your own strength.

Being tough means creating boundaries for yourself.  This means, defining what is and is not acceptable for you.  The three strike rule is a good boundary for example.  Stand me up once and its a misunderstanding.  Stand me up twice and it’s a problem.  Stand me up three times and I will no longer be in any sort of intimate relationship with you no matter how casual or serious.  Same goes for lying, cheating, stealing, flaking, blocking and so on.

Having strong boundaries is so important because you are protecting yourself.  You have to stop trying to change them or make them treat you right.  Instead shift the responsibility back onto yourself and hold your ground.  Radically reject poor treatment.  Sure you might lose them, but they weren’t treating you well and you were acting like a nutcase texting them.  The relationship wasn’t working anyways.  Accepting poor treatment just to cling to a relationship is wrong because it teaches the person to treat you like a plan B.  You become an option not a priority and then you yourself ruin whats left by being unable to handle the dirt poor treatment you get.

Relationship tip: Become steady

Becoming steady means that you never let an abusive, hot and cold, flaky, Houdini, poofing, going MIA, cheating, lying, noncommittal, crumb giving, uninterested boyfriend mess up your head.  So they’ve decided that they don’t like you and they stop responding to you.  What, are you going to go crazy over it and turn into a needy texter begging for their attention and feeding their ego?  Don’t do it.  Be steady and that means emotionally steady.

Emotionally steady means that if someone stops communicating with you then you aren’t going to drive yourself crazy trying to communicate with them.  Emotionally steady means that if you don’t think its polite that they never call you and only text you that you are not going to stand for that.  You deserve a phone call and you shouldn’t have to explain that fact to a grown adult.  

Being steady means having control of your emotions so that the things that they do, no matter how annoying or exasperating, are not going to get you so ruffled that you are going to lose your cool.  Dealing with a ruthless or self absorbed or just uninterested man or woman is not going to topple your world or get you worked up.  Surprisingly, if you become emotionally steady you’ll find yourself naturally avoiding relationships that make you crazy.  It will be organic because you’ll walk away from a rude and inconsiderable boyfriend or girlfriend before you’ll allow yourself to be thrown into the mud with them on the down low.

Relationship tip: Become consistent

Being consistent is so important.  If you tell your boyfriend or girlfriend you don’t like a particular thing they are doing and then you take them back time and time again after they do it, then they learn that your boundaries and your words mean absolutely nothing to them.  Have they stood you up three times?  Try not talking to them for six months! 

Have consequences, even if you feel like you are dealing with a five year old.  Tell him, I don’t like it when our plans are nebulous and I don’t know until the night is practically over if we are even getting together with each other.  If you can’t make consistent plans with me then I am out.  Then, stick to your consequence.  If he does this past three times you opt out of the relationship altogether.  That way, you won’t be sitting there texting him one hundred times about if you’re having plans or asking why he blew you off.  You’re long gone by that time.

Dealing with a boyfriend or girlfriend that has sociopathic or narcissistic tendencies is a real challenge.  And it is these type of people who don’t value you or your time that will drive you to texting.  You’ll find yourself investing so much time in such people and machinating around with texts, contact and games to try to get them to change and treat you better.  When in fact, you should be backing off and thinking about you and your needs, not them. 

If you’ve been a pushover, work on being tough, steady and consistent.  It will help you so much to quit any needy or hostile texting you are doing.  It will help you to avoid becoming a stalker because you just can’t seem to let go of an unhealthy relationship.  You’ll let go because your self respect reigns supreme.  It will lead you to much better relationships too because you will screen out the people that don’t treat you well.  It will save you from getting devastated and getting your heart broken.  A boyfriend or girlfriend will shred you apart emotionally if you are weak and allow them to. 

Don’t assume that being loving, and accepting is the way to go.  That is the way to go with someone who is genuinely into you, not with someone who is there to take advantage of you.  There is a difference and it is up to you to screen out the users.  Screen them out by being tough, steady and consistent.  Have good boundaries for yourself about how you wish to be treated and stick to them.  For the people who make it into your inner circle, treat them well.  For the users, let them go find another target or victim for their poor treatment.  You won’t be the one texting them (not anymore anyways).

Have tough, steady and consistent boundaries for a healthy relationship


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3 Responses to Stop texting him (her) and become tough, steady, and consistent

  1. Sarah says:

    Thank you for your help. I have been obsessively texting my ex for 6 weeks since i was dumped by text. I feel i have lost control and am mentally unwell. My behaviour has been shameful and embarrassing. He hates me now. It’s nice to read something that i can relate to. Thanks.

    • admin says:

      Don’t beat yourself up for falling repeatedly into the pscho texting cycle of compulsion. Eventually you’ll text it all out. As long as you are not making any threats or crazy statements this person will probably tune you out and ignore you. Eventually you’ll have said what you wanted to and then you will want to stop texting this jerk more than you want to text him. That’s when you can start implementing the 48 rule over and over and over. Try going for 48 hours without texting. Count your texts and make sure that they are petering off so that nobody can accuse you of being a stalker. Eventually what your ex wants to happen will, you will start to give up. It’s a slow dying death but in the long run you will get through all the pain and resentment and hurt and betrayal. Then guess what happens? Life goes on! Any time life goes on you have the possibility of cool things happening to you in the future so don’t give up on relationships just give up on this paricular relationship. You can’t make it work with somebody that doesn’t want to make it work with you, no matter how much you might want to. Trust me just give it some time and you’ll be fine!

  2. Clever1 says:

    I emotionally detached from my abuser. It was a process. I really felt we drifted apart when me and him went “camping” it was not at a campsite it was on a hill by a beach. He just made me isolated and vunerable to the elements. No where to wash, no running water. I packed the tent I gathered the tent I got the sleeping bag I put the dog on her lead I put in the two heavy overflowing rucksacks and tryed to run. Difficult. I walked fast as possible he was rite behind me shouting he wanted the sleeping bag and the dog and at least a fiver. It must have been half a mile’s worth of sheer abusive threats and him saying he was going to rob me. Instinctively I walked to the ‘train’ station. They have GAURDS. He accused me in front of the GAURDS saying it was his rite to have my belongings. This wasn’t the complete stage I could let go though I still carried on with him. TEXTS made it easier to break the ice AND abuse. The merry go round of these break-ups and make-ups. But you do get detached from this relationship if you never loose sight of the way you are.

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