Tip off that you may be dating a noncommittal man and recognizing escalation

So you meet the perfect handsome man and you just can’t believe your luck. How is this gorgeous guy single and available and wow he seems into me! Quality single and available men to date are hard to come by and if they are good ones they just might get snatched up at a friends BBQ before ever even making it onto a venue such as internet dating. It’s not to say that you won’t luck out and get a good man in the slim window of time where he is available and actually looking or at least primed for a relationship. But its like a searching for a needle in a haystack. That doesn’t mean you should give up trying but it does mean to exhibit caution when a man that seems too good to be true appear right out of the internet.

Here are a few signs that your too good to be good date has intentions to close intimacy with you rather than get to know you as a person. A woman should always beware of players that troll the internet dating sites. These are men you want to be able to identify quickly and avoid.

Stage 0 escalation: Texting, Photo compliments, Flirting

State 0 of his escalation is going to be that he sets up physical attraction before ever meeting you. That means, he is going to come right out and compliment your looks and body parts right from the outset. If it is on internet dating you are going to be told how sexy and gorgeous you are in your photo or photos. If it is on social networks such as facebook or myspace its going to be a direct compliment on one or more of your photos, most likely where you are on a bed or wearing a Halloween costume or posing with a sexy dress and striking a pose. He is going to zero in right to those sorts of images. If you meet him in person, he is going to compliment your physical appearance in a similar fashion.

Texting flirtatious messages and comments is going to be a major hallmark behavioral component of Stage 0 escalation. He is going to text about dating, fooling around and steer conversation topics to physical attributes. Everything you talk about is going to be an opportunity for him to flirt with you and make you feel attractive and as though you’ve known him for a while. Texts will have gentle but persistent flirty innuendos. He might try to text and talk with you a lot early on to grease the situation so that when you do get on the date you’ll mistakenly feel like you’ve known him a while, even though you don’t really know him at all.

Making you a friend on a social network also establishes a false sense of familiarity. If he does friend you on a social network be sure to check out his friends because you might be alarmed to see plenty of single women vying for him. Single women are easy to detect because they constantly rotate their images showing spunky I am single poses. Normal people throw up a profile picture of themselves and rarely change it.

Stage 1 escalation: Kissing within the first 30 minutes

Let’s say you have a four hour date set up with this handsome hunk. If he has dubious intentions of closing (that means have an intimate encounter with you but zero intentions of girlfriend-ing you) he is going to do a physical escalation as part of Stage 1. This is going to be where he tries to kiss you or get physical within say the first 30 minutes of your date. A confident man is going to know that if you agreed to go out with him in the first place, then technically you think he is handsome enough to be intimate with. So, if he kisses you within the first 30 minutes of the date then he has the whole rest of the four hour date to pace his escalation up to hopefully becoming intimate with you. In the case of internet dating the first meeting is often too short but he will try to kiss you then do more Stage 0 compliments before the second date then do Stage 1 kissing you in the first 30 minutes on the second date where you will actually be spending enough time together for it to be considered a date not just a coffee greeting.

Stage 2: Paced escalation

Once he has kissed you early on then the entire rest of the date is going to be three or four hours of paced escalation hopefully all going to the goal him getting you to be romantic with him. If he has hours alone with you under the right conditions and you are already attracted to him he can get pretty far, as far as you let him. His whole goal is going to be creating attraction, making you feel comfortable, and getting romantic.

One of the things a player can do really well is to make you feel like you and him are in this magical bubble together. If you are naïve you might think the bubble exists because you two just mutually like each other. But in many cases the setup for the bubble is due to his making. For example, you get a man that is really good at logistics which means he is going to set this date up to where you are in a good location for him to make progress.

Stage 3 escalation: Logistics

Logistics are where your date is happening. A player is going to be well versed on logistics and he is going to try and get you to change venues during the date or have the date at a venue such as one of your houses. If you have a rent a movie date on the second date, alarm bells should be sounding in your head. That’s a location best saved for a boyfriend not a date where you barely know the person. Another alarm bell would be if you change locations. For example, you are gently encouraged by him to leave the bar or wherever you are at and he goes home to drop you earlier than would be normal and manages then to ease his way into your home for a visit. Don’t ever let a man into your house early on in the dating process. Beware the home movie rental date or let me cook some dinner let’s get some wine date or I am just getting back from work so late date so come over so we can at least spend some time. No, no, and no.

Stage 3 escalation: Inappropriately hot Behavior

One way that a player can make progress is to enact rather inappropriate behavior in public or in the car or at the club so that even something like getting time alone with you inside your house or apartment seems sedate and normal in comparison. For example, you start making out intensely outside a restaurant or in the car. Things start to get mutually romantic. That’s just what he wants because with this hot and heavy inappropriate public behavior happening it makes something like getting into your house to relax seem like, normal. No its not normal. You don’t want a man in your house early on in the dating process. Don’t go into his either.

Stage 3 escalation: Venue Changes

Carefully pre-calculated venue changes are a major red flag of escalation. You might be in a club and start to make out or it gets busy and loud and he’ll suggest lets get out of here. Suddenly its you and him against the world and you need to leave together to go somewhere to get some peace and quiet so you can supposedly talk. Any kind of venue change is a sign of planned escalation. Separating you from a group of friends is also escalation. A serious of venue changes he might attempt to execute would be moving from getting dinner with you, to into the car and making out with you, then moving onward into a home somewhere. A man trying to romantically close with you on a date is going to try and gently washing machine you from point a to point b to point c. Point a might be the date. Point b might be the car. Point c might be a house or apartment. If you are with other people or there is a ride involved he might try to throw in a late night coffee shop or eating thing so it doesn’t look like its going directly from club to home. It’s club to food to home. Main point is that the venue is changing.

Stage 3 escalation: Alcohol

This man is more likely to meet you for drinks and buy you drinks than anything else. It won’t be lunch and a diet coke. It’ll be drinks because that is going to loosen you up and make you less inhibited. It also provides a perfect excuse for the venue change. Oops we had to much too drink so we better leave here now and I need to get us out of here and someplace safe (and conducive to romance). See how that works out well for him? Never ever drink too much on a date because it impairs your decision making ability, encourages your common sense to fly out the window, and he knows it.

Stage 4 escalation: It’s on

Once a man has you in a house or location where you could potentially have an intimate encounter with him you are in Stage 4. You might be fooling around with him and suddenly he produces protection and then you are suddenly wondering if you should consummate. Well it is the most naive thing ever and you shouldn’t but some women slip up and do get romantic way too soon in the dating process. Early on in the dating process it is really never a good thing to close romantically with him merely because of a date that got carried away. He got it carried away on purpose is the point. You typically don’t know him well enough to even be discussing the situation much less acting on it. If he is gorgeous and he has plied you with drinks and made you feel comfortable and escalated on you for hours culminating in this you are in real big danger of becoming a victim of a casual intimate encounter. I say from experience of plenty of women who regret it, don’t do it.

If you manage to avert a disaster from happening on the second or third date you aren’t even out of the woods. Men are going to run the gamut with you like baseball and if they got to first and second base then next time it’s a progression to third and then fourth. To avoid being in a continued escalation follow on date you should never plan on a movie or home date right after a near miss (or hit as far as he is concerned). Why? Because it puts you in danger of continued escalation and progression to intimacy way too soon. You’ll wind up in the same exact predicament on the next date. If you want a boyfriend and had a near romantic encounter try to steer the next handful of dates away from home and locations that can escalate out of control. That means, going out to a game and getting dropped off after, or going out to a movie, or going on a day excursion or afternoon date that ends before late into the night.

Stage 5 escalation: It’s over before it ever had a chance, Way too late for that

Stage five is where you consummate a relationship with a man prematurely before really getting to know him and vice versa. You got carried away and were intimate before any talk of commitment, exclusivity, or anything else relationship minded for that matter. When you look back on it your entire so called relationship it will probably have been comprised of a few phone calls, a few dates, and a few dozen flirtatious text messages. You may not even know where he lives or have ever been to his house or met anyone he knows. At this point, your chances of having an ongoing relationship with him have unfortunately plummeted. You’ll be lucky if you even get a text message from him. If you do get a text, odds are high that this relationship will stay on text and moreover will not go anywhere good at all. You’ll be an easily discarded and replaceable woman. After a man has been intimate with a woman too soon his interest level in her will automatically drop off.

Solid Game is Subtle

A player is going to have pretty solid game and that is why it may be hard to detect what is going on. A rookie player is going to come onto you so obnoxiously strong that you are going to be totally turned off and he won’t make it past your first date. An experienced player on the other hand is always going to make you feel totally comfortable while all the while he is escalating on you. It just sneaks up on you because he is able to make you feel like you are in this mutual attraction bubble. Even if he is calibrating his behavior and not over gaming you by making a pass on you on the first date, you should be able to detect the signs of a player. Look for signs of Stage 0 compliments geared towards complimenting your body and physical appearance, Stage 1 of getting to kissing early on in a date, and Stage 2 where he systematically escalates. The escalation signs include his subtle focus on logistics, where he guides the date to, venue changes, inappropriate behavior in public or car to trick you into thinking that fooling around in peace by letting him into your house or going home with him is actually tame in comparison, and so forth. Along with all of these signs there will be a trail of mostly text messaging which when you step back and look at and get it into perspective, amounts to a bunch of totally meaningless conversations.

Compare all this to Normal

Its amazing how fast some flirtatious text messages can pave the way to a relationship gone awry and never to return to normalcy. If you find yourself text flirting with him just a little bit too much, and you see some of these other red flags waving around early on in the dating process, don’t ignore the signs. Be safe.

A man who really likes you is going to do the opposite of playing games. He is going to do those dates without worrying about trying to set up logistics for intimacy. He will ask you to the boring movie theater. He will ask you for an afternoon date. He will be willing to go on an all day excursion with you. He will be a happy camper at one location and not be trying to prod you into a new location more suited to becoming physical. Basically, a normal suiter is going to marvel at you but be perfectly content with hanging out and getting to know you in public. He is going to be the one to protect you from becoming intimate with him too early on so that he can get to know you and preserve his own notion that you are a respectful girl and girlfriend material. You’re not going to be talking about whether you should or shouldn’t, protection, or bills of health within the first handful of dates because you are going to be out doing things together instead. Before you ever become intimate with a man make sure you gotten to know him, met some of his friends, and seen where he lives and works. Being with a normal man is going to be radically different than being with a player if you just learn to see the obvious signs.

No matter how good a players game is, you should be able to detect that you are getting played if you just watch out for the clues. Sometimes and for some women though, you have to get played in order to know how to avoid it in the future. You have to learn the hard way. If you do get romanced and dropped it will probably wind up being an experience that felt like a blast at the time yet has to be swept out of your thought process and under the rug of your mind for years to come. Getting taken advantage of really jades a woman emotionally no matter how much she tries to justify that she was having some fun too, so therefore it really does pay to be extraordinarily cautious.

Dating self help books talk about vetting men to try and make sure that the ones who aren’t relationship minded get weeded out of consideration early on. The idea is to avoid the wrong type of men altogether so that you can keep your experiences innocent and without having to endure seedy, unnecessary, hurtful learning lessons.

I totally get the recommendation that women should wait for intimacy particularly for the younger generation because it can avoid emotional hurt and pain. But at the same time, some men will never, ever be able to form a truly objective opinion about you unless they have been intimate with you. It is the basic conundrum that women have a more rational perspective before intimacy and men have a more rational perspective after intimacy. Given that what is good for men might not always be good for women, at the very least, a woman should wait until she knows someone very well and feels truly comfortable before ever becoming involved. The longer a woman can hold out the more she is forcing him to make an up front commitment to spending time with her. Patience, being selective, and having a healthy dose of emotional self-respect will increase her chances of getting a committed loyal boyfriend who sticks around.

Women decide when intimacy is going to happen but unfortunately for women, it is often the man who decides when or whether a relationship is going to come out of it. It therefore pays to be cautious with your body and emotions by insisting that a man invest himself into you prior to you ever getting physical with him. If he is willing to make an up-front commitment then it paves the way that he will be at least be primed to make a continued commitment. Texting, flirting and a superficial false sense of closeness early on isn’t going to cut it either. While texting may seem like fun don’t for a second think that this type of communication is innocent because text message communication is the most fundamental signs there is of a casual relationship. The more phone call time and real time you spend doing things together and the less texting you do, the better off you are going to be. Just saying.


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