Unique features of online are that it is one thousand times more ruthless of a dating environment than real in-life dating. Gone seem to be the days when you meet someone organically in your everyday life.
You don’t know the people you are meeting online from squat. It’s a meat market dating environment online. You are thrown down a rabbit hole with thousands of other women or men just like you who are competing for the same food sources. The sooner you realize the inherent dangers and downsides of online dating, the safer you will be.
Because of the anonymity and compartmentalized nature of dating online, expect non-truths to be abundant. Lies will fly. False representations of everything from age, to housing, to career, to single status are par for the course. People are free to be not what they seem, and when they are done with you expect them to simply vanish from your social network and be born again online as single, ready, willing and able. Texting relationships, crumbs of communication, disrespect, emotional abuse, not to mention STD dangers run rampant on the Internet dating web sites also. People hop online on a whim, the sites are free or cheap all things considered, and you have no clue what their real intentions are. Welcome to the jungle.
Texting is the bread and butter of online dating. Communication starts electronically and often stays that way. That is a problem because it nurtures disrespect. You go from the exchange of a couple of emails to handing out your cell phone number. Since communication was electronic at the outset, it has a propensity to remain electronic for the duration. You might get one phone call where you exchange some niceties and check each other out verbally for a possible date. After that, its right back to text.
A word to the wise, relationships that start on text tend to stay on text and then end on text. If you want to elevate your relationship out of the text world, make sure to respond to phone calls, in-life conversations, and time spent together in public. If you don’t demand these basics, you will quickly find yourself on the fast path to text to sex nightmare relations. Oh how amazingly fast the phone calls, get-togethers and real dates get thrown into the wind and oh how fast it becomes text message to hang out and then get intimate.
Online dating is beyond dangerous from an emotional standpoint. You must have strong boundaries and use it as an initial meeting tool. From there, things should be taken excruciatingly slow. If for one second you see yourself being relegated to text message and casual dates where you don’t really go out, abort out. Opt out, get out, run. The sooner you realize this the better. It’s like allowing varments into your house. They sneak in without your consent, and then they are in. They will get in and are wily to get marching to the food, spray them dead instead.
If you feel like you are being put on a text-only train, kick your date completely out of your life lickity split. Remember that online dates easily sink from emails to texts to booty calls to one night stands to people using you and people lying to your face. Especially where Internet dating sites are concerned, you should never allow your communications and your relationship to be demoralized down to pure texts. Remember this motto that if they want to see you, they must call you. If they want to spend time with you, they must make a real plan to do so. Spontaneity is not a good thing when it comes to Internet dating because it makes you a last minute choice and not a priority plan.
Online dating brings the game playing to brand new levels. There are deleting profiles and then bringing them back up, lying about being online, hiding and unhiding profiles secretly, denial of being active, switching to other dating sites, lies about exclusivity and everything evil and duplicitous under the sun. Can’t tell you how many women get intimate with men and wake up the next day to see them logged into the Internet dating site bright eyed and bushy tailed. That was fun now lets write this lady that looks interesting. Wow. Whatever you do with him or her, expect to be staring them in the profile face on a dating website come morning.
If you pursue online dating you should be well aware that game playing is prolific. You are in a meat market mentality. It’s the new Red Onion pick up bar on a grander and even more dangerous scale. Both men and women are shopping for partners and they are like kids in the candy store. Don’t assume anything from a person you meet online. It is the pinnacle of blind dating as you do not know where this person you are meeting comes from and you do not know what rock they climbed out from or scurry back under.
Lies are rampant on Internet dating web sites. People lie about their age. They lie about the marital status. They lie about their desires. They spew out a lie and get glee because they see that they can seriously get away with it. They start to believe their own lies and create a fantasy version of themself. You could be thinking you are dating a man that is looking for the one. But instead, he is in a fight with his girlfriend and he’s hopped online for temporary revenge. If he wants to get laid, he is no less likely to put that he is looking for the real thing and a relationship in his profile. You don’t know what they are really looking for because you don’t know them.
They are posting information on a page that they think you want to see. Until you actually know this person, you can assume that an online dater is a liar. For all you know they are still married not divorced, still living with their ex, separated, temporarily broken up with their longtime girlfriend, or looking to rebound and have sex with everything on legs. How would you know? You don’t know this person is the point. They could be vomiting lies into your ear for all you know. If they say they haven’t been with anybody in a month they could easily have been with someone just last night.
There have never in the world been as many broken promises as there are with online dating. The number one broken promise is the I’ll call you one. Never assume when a man says he is going to call that he will call. In the online dating world, I’ll call you is just filthy garbage that pours out of his mouth to get off the phone or go on his merry way. It’s just something he says like Hello or Goodbye. It is meaningless.
Until he is actually calling you regularly, just assume he will never call you again. This will save you so much heartache. If he talks to you on the phone or meets you for drinks or coffee he is going to undoubtedly say he will call you at the conclusion of the meetup. That’s just something he says. But you have no idea whether he really will or he really won’t. Men say that to be polite or to get off the hook. They say that to go home. They later decide if you are their type and if they are interested after that they will call. They aren’t going to call you just because they said they would. They are going to call because they want to see you again.
Anonymity breeds jerk and clown behavior. There is no accountability in the Internet dating world and it is just people doing what they want. One thing they want is to embellish themselves and to be able to conveniently crawl back under the rock from which they came if they want. If you catch them in a lie, they can be non-confrontational by simply thinking oopsie that one stuck a fork in my side let’s go to next.
You don’t know what somebody you talk to or meet online is really about so you may be dealing with a wolf in sheeps clothing. You don’t have common friends or contact with his other ex-girlfriends or social circle to know if he is real or a total fraud. Men will get radically frisky to the point of being abusive without even knowing what they are doing. They are like desperate rabbits. Early phone calls in the dating process will quickly degenerate into frisky talk, rude talk, raunchy talk, and the exchange of pictures if you let it. If you aren’t careful, your online dating will just become a truly crass interview for a sex partner.
If you see things getting nasty or suggestive early on in the getting to know you phase it is time to opt out. A man that is really interested will take the time to do the right steps which is to exchange emails, then phone calls, occasional texts, and then on to what matters which is getting to know one another in real life by going out and doing fun things together.
Women beware because once a man decides you aren’t relationship material they will still go after the sex. Casual sex is always an option to them. It is very subtle but you can read the signs when they get off the relationship route and get onto the OK maybe I’ll get free sex from her route. A notch. An experience in the night, a respite from my real relationship, variety, or a strange adventure in the cover of dark.
If its heading towards casual sex the phone calls will dwindle, the dates will dwindle, and he will become very unreliable. Plans will be made at the last minute and on the spur of the moment and the day or evening of. And you will get texts. When things get too nasty, stinky, shifty, sketchy and texty, or borderline perverted, it is time to opt out. Don’t send sexy pictures early on in the online dating process. Don’t send any pictures. Tell the person to call you and spend time together in public places during the light of day.
Casual sex is easy for men to go after. Women however, are blind as dumb mice and usually don’t realize when they are getting thrown down the casual sex hole. Know the signs. The signs are, he mostly texts, he doesn’t plan ahead, and he doesn’t follow up after. And most importantly, he gives dis-qualifiers and excuses. If he says you live to far that means you aren’t realistic for a relationship but he will have sex with you.
If he says he just got out of a relationship that means he doesn’t want a relationship with you. If he says he is not active on the site but his profile is still up, that means in fact he is active on the site. If he says the strange girls photo that he just commented on with I want to spoil you means nothing, that means that comment means something. If there is no date and he wants sex that means it is casual sex. If he gives stupid excuses, that means he is using you. If he keeps you off his social network that means he is hiding you.
Any relationship that is not discussed, established, ongoing, with both parties offline, is casual. That means casual sex, casual sext, friends with benefits, casual relationship, bootycall, bootytext, hookup, or anything else you want to call it. Dating is seeing one another without getting intimate. Once intimacy is involved, its definitely casual sex, casual sext, friends with benefits, casual relationship, bootycall, bootytext, hookup, whatever. It is NOT a relationship.
When you are in a relationship, you know you are in one. It’s completely obvious. It’s not wished for, hoped for, imagined, or assumed without confirmation. Therefore, to get intimate with someone from online before you are in a confirmed relationship is nothing more than saying yes to polyamory and participation in a harem. If he hasn’t said you are in a relationship and backed it up with consistent action, you aren’t. Don’t be a fool having casual sex without commitment hoping to get a commitment because you’ll never succeed. You can’t stop a horse after its bolted out the gate because its long gone.
When it comes to online dating, the only women getting relationships are the ones who demand them and accept and tolerate nothing less. And even then their relationship with him may not last because only time will tell.
Cheating on dating web sites is as common as people waving hello in the street. Don’t delude yourself and think that guy is dating only you. Every day of his life he is waking up and writing five, ten, fifteen, twenty pretty women emails that he is interested in. The attitude is, I’ll take things as far as I can with this person I am mildly interested in or who is making herself easily available, and if I get caught I’ll just get gone. People doing the online dating thing don’t explain themselves, and they don’t care. Oopsie that didn’t go over that well so gee lets look over here. Next!
He might act interested in you and even start sleeping with you. But if he is still on a dating web site he is inherently cheating. Women delude themselves and think they are in a relationship just because they are seeing somebody or slept with somebody. Never have they been more wrong and it leads to them being cheated on. They make an assumption if they had intimate relations that he isen’t doing that with others but in fact he most likely is. He’s dating different people and he is shopping around.
Unless he has said he wants a relationship with you and wants to be off of the Internet to pursue it, he is by definition cheating. It is the nature of the Internet dating beast. Never assume he is only with you until you both are months and miles away from the dating sites and spending time together as boyfriend and girlfriend around his family and friends.
Online dating is the best place to be for cheaters and liars. And if they aren’t cheaters and liars to begin with, the anonimity that the internet dating sites provides encourages them to become cheaters and liars. Chivilry and accountability are all but gone because of Internet dating. Closure from an Internet dating relationship that does not work out is something you will probably never get, and shouldn’t even expect.
Vanishing is all too common in Internet dating. It is literally frightening. It’s a cheap, easy, cop-out way out. You aren’t in the same social circle or living on the same block. The minute you or he meets someone better its vamoosh. Vanishing, poofing, Houdini, dropping and dumping by text message or just dumping by virtue of going to silent treatment are abusive behaviors that are commonplace online. Don’t be surprised if you date somebody and it doesn’t work out and you feel like you just got into a hit and run accident. It is drop it like its hot incarnate. With online dating, you are more likely to feel perplexed and rather than cherished and valued.
You know you don’t have to ever see this persons face again in your entire life. Press block on the dating site their pictures are gone, defriend on face-book and block and out of sight out of mind. Met someone else? Just start ignoring their texts. Did they catch you cheating or confront you for an active profile after you’ve already promised to have taken it down? Deny, deny, deny or if they don’t like it just stop communicating. When you get vanished on you don’t get closure and you don’t get an explanation. It’s just not working, put up or shit up, buh-bye.
Because you know you won’t see this person at work the very next day or at the local store this week, you are free to just excise them out of your life without anesthesia. No explanation, doesn’t really matter. You aren’t interested anymore so you really don’t need to puke out an explanation when you can just erase them from your life with a click of a button. If they keep bugging you to know what’s up, tell them to get lost and then lose their number, or block it.
Do you want to be blocked from appearing in their dating search results? Do you want to be blocked off their face-book so that you can’t see the other women he is dating and the comments he is making on their photographs? Do you want to have your cell phone number blocked by him because he’s decided you aren’t for him so he’s moved on leaving you with no explanation still texting in vain?
Be careful. Blocking numbers, dating profiles, comments, and social networks is commonplace in online dating. That is why you really need to take time to get to know someone when you are Internet dating. Don’t get physical until you’ve been friend-ed on his social networks, been to where he lives, know where he works, have more than just his cell number, verified he’s single, and met and hung out with some of his friends. If you want to get out of the anonimity of the dating site you have to hold off until you get to really know him well.
Grass is greener
You go onto a dating website and there are literally two thousand women just like you in the same age bracket, just as pretty as you, living in the same general area and looking for the very same things that you are. With this sort of insane law of abundance, it is extremely difficult to compete. You must be aware that there is an integral grass is greener mentality online.
Did you say something rude, lets go see who else i can find. Were you not that good in bed, let’s try someone with a different hair color this time. Were you too expensive on the date, let’s try someone who just wants to hang out and not take it so seriously. Did you demand he take his profile down, lets find someone dumbed down who won’t demand that. Did you insist on seeing his place, let’s find someone who doesn’t push me because I don’t want her to know that I live with my mother. Does she have too many kids, lets find someone with less kids. Does she have alot of money, lets search in a better income bracket and gold dig a little.
You see what I mean. It’s like shopping for the perfect women and there is so much abundance that it makes it nearly impossible to settle on one. The second you get past the honeymoon phase and see the real flaws, the beautiful alternatives online become more appealing. There are men who start out looking for the one, then turn into people that are living five, ten, fifteen years of their life vagabonding from one Internet relationship to another. Dating becomes a way of life for them.
If you don’t want to become someone that gets used on their way to finding themselves and the right person, you need to have incredibly solid boundaries. The second you feel like you are treated like a second class dating citizen it is time to opt out. Run fast because you can waste precious time and give up way too much being an exploration hole for somebody. When it comes to the online dating world, you must realize that you are in a vicious jungle.
It is survival of the fittest. If you let your guard down, you will get killed and you will die. When it comes to Internet dating, you need to get tactical. Asume and treat it as though you are dealing with stinky, hungry monkeys that like to swing from tree to tree, then you should be in the right frame of mind to protect your body, your emotions, your boundaries, your safety and your physical well-being online. If you happen by some complete miracle to meet a nice man who is a keeper somewhere in the process, good for you. Until then though, be safe.
OK. unconcensual polyamory, or unconcensual harem, or being cheated on, or being really, really cheated on. LOL. Thanks for writing in probably won’t be the first or last. People use these terms as catch-alls it would seem. Sometimes one part of the couple consents in a moment of passion, but then quickly unconsents subsequently. So the polyamory was fleeting and/or they were in denial that they were OK with it and threw caution to the wind, then realized no. You don’t understand alot of women that they consent using their own rationalizations and can realize afterwards that they were being bamboozled and really didn’t consent when they figure it all out (if its even possible for that to make sense).