What to do when boyfriend or girlfriend sends you an I HATE YOU text message

It seems like the only people who really know what to do when they get that dreaded I hate you text message from their boyfriend (or girlfriend) are the ones who have learned their lesson the hard way.  It only takes one wrecked relationship from someone you actually loved to learn this lesson.  And the lesson is, that when someone you are dating says I hate you in a text then stay away from them for a while.   That means don’t text them. 

If you lock horns on text then you will say unforgettable things that cause permanent damage, most likely lose the relationship and almost assuredly regret it later that you didn’t just have the willpower to back off.   Here are a few pointers for interpreting and handling the I hate you text from the person you’ve been dating.

The I HATE YOU text message

The I hate you text message usually happens towards the bitter end of a relationship. If a person texts I hate you they generally mean that they do hate you. Only rarely is the meaning not the intent. If your friend texts that she won an iPhone by calling in a radio show and you text back LOL I hate you, well then OK that is the rare situation where you use the phrase in jest to indicate a bit of healthy jealousy.  Come on, you know full well when those times are.

If someone says they hate you in the middle of a text fighting breakup, they generally mean it. Take it very seriously and let that person have plenty of time far away from your existance.

When it comes to men especially, they tend to get mad first and hurt later. If you allow plenty of time they might get over it. If you continue to push you will likely sever ties with the person permanently. When it comes to women, they often work the opposite way. The get pathetic and emotional first then hate sets in much later.  Men hate first hurt second. Women hurt first and hate second.  Either way, if they say they hate you its time to stay away from them.

So they HATE YOU? Steer clear from them

Stay away from the person that hates you. Pretend they are like a cornered animal and if you continue to pester them they will bite.  Never engage or lock horns with a hater because there is no making up by talking ill of the person and hurling insults back and forth in a rage.  If they are mad enough to text I hate you then they aren’t going to calm down and become miraculously rational or serene 20 or 30 texts later that night.  Remember, anger dissipates slowly.

Try to disengage from the hater and stay away. Involve yourself in other activities. Take care of business, read books, do beauty treatments, go to the gym, make plans with friends, even date other people if that helps distract you.

Will they get over it?

There is no way to tell if someone who says I HATE YOU in a text message will get over it. Eventually they might calm down. The best thing is not to approach the person. If they truly love you and want to work it out they’ll put their pride aside and find a way to start talking to you again.  Online dating books recommend that you give ample time after a bad breakup before ever dealing with the person again. If you start talking less than a week after a big breakup you might still deep down be upset. Instead of solving things you could find yourself slip sliding quickly back into the original fight or an even more cantankerous version of it. That is why you need to wait.

Online dating books always recommend at least 6-8 weeks after a bad I HATE YOU split before assuming that it is over. If the person never contacts you within a few months you can assume they are moving on with their lives and you aren’t included. If you really love the person you can drop them a note after a few months. It’s unlikely they will be receptive but if they are then you can consider talking about what happened.

Should you get back together with a hater

Though some times you can work it out and after some time away from one another recover from an I HATE YOU text breakup, it is not always advised. There may be an entrenched negative dynamic within the relationship that won’t get fixed.

The situation in which its worth fixing what is broken and getting back together after an I HATE YOU text breakup, is when both people talk about what exactly happened, make a decision to continue to be together and resolve not to repeat it again. In other words, the issues at hand have to be addressed by both people to have a successful makeup that endures.  It takes two.

The situation in which its not worth it, are when you lapse back together after loneliness or missing one another but never really address what went wrong. If your ex said he hates you and shows up on your doorstep at 2:00AM weeks later it may not be a good idea to get intimate. If the problem that happened between you that led to text hate rage isen’t fully addressed it might happen again. History tends to write itself in relationships.  If you had a volatile on and off relationship over time then its likely to continue that way in new time.

Toxic Relationships

This is a rather negative take on I HATE YOU text breakups yet one you should consider carefully.  Relationships tend to sink back down to their lowest point and even lower than that. If there has been an abusive tone to your relationship where you get into fights and start name calling not talking, texting messages such as I HATE YOU amongst other cut-downs and insults, then you have to really question if you wouldn’t be better off without this person in your life.  It’s a throw away society where people abandon relationships and marriages that can be saved on the one hand.  On the other hand, nobody needs to stick around for abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, and nowadays text abuse. 

Time apart from the hater will let you reflect on all that went wrong and understand how your own behavior may have helped to push your beloved to the point of hating your guts.  You may not believe but if you are spending time reflecting on what happened, chances are that they are too.


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