Have you ever dated a man who went from being responsive, seemingly into you and always texting you and playing with you, to just literally falling off the map on you after you were intimate the first time or first few times? You are not alone!
Guys can be confusing and fickle and getting disappeared on is a hurtful situation for sure. He goes from being available on Friday night to being missing in action and silent. It is certainly hurtful and makes you question your sanity, but rest assured that it happens all the time. Here are a few tips for handling this tender situation with grace. He doesn’t matter anymore, but maintaining your dignity does matter a lot.
First of all, it is good to remember that whole adage that women are thinking, then lose their brains after they start being intimate. Men, on the other hand, are not thinking until they’ve been intimate after which they do start thinking about whether they are interested in a relationship. This is an important differentiation. Men just get caught up in the initial pursuit, chase, conquest phase.
What this means is that after you’ve been intimate once or say a couple of times, a man and a woman can be in a very different head space. The woman has been thinking prior, and if she gets intimate she has basically decided she is interested in a relationship. The man on the other hand, is not thinking prior but is rather caught up in an instinctual pursuit. Intimacy just means he met that goal with her, yet he may not have thought for real about a relationship, even if he acted pretty interested to get her to an intimacy level with him.
He just is not interested in anything more
The truth is, that if a man is not interested in a relationship with you, it is typical behavior that he is going to pull back after intimacy. Sure, it would have been great had he told you the truth beforehand so you could have avoided the connection altogether. But he didn’t, because his mind was on a short-term agenda of getting physical. That is the bottom line truth. So if you get blown off after getting intimate a couple of times take it very, very seriously. Do not take it lightly or find excuses for him. Rather than think of it as getting used, just think of it as getting an opportunity to know that you should not go further with pursuing this particular guy.
Do not give excuses to guys who are blowing you off. Do not. If you find yourself saying, Oh well he is busy, he is scared, he is afraid to make a commitment, just out of a relationship, and so on, you need to stop. Trust me that guys aren’t afraid of commitment and I repeat, they aren’t afraid of commitment. With the right woman they will jump into a relation headlong. Do not make excuses. The fact is that for men, getting physical is no guarantee that they want to get together with you in a greater capacity. The sooner you learn how to blow off a guy that has disappeared and quit the contact and quit the chase, the better off you will be. Learn to let it go.
He disappears because he knows you will have expectations
A man knows, that you are going to become attached after intimacy. He is not stupid and has likely been around long enough to know that you will have some expectations after going there with him. So, since he knows you are going to have some expectations of a relation after intimacy, he is going to have a bit of a wince behavior if deep down he doesn’t want a committed relationship.
That wince, is going to make him run and disappear even faster. He doesn’t want any expectations levied down on him. His control mechanism kicks in and he just backs off and watches your reaction. If you get tense, angry or start texting him like a psycho then he is going to just blow you off because you want more, and he wants less. Guys are a little bit like pigs in this regard. They are thinking exclusively about what they want and what feels cool to them. They aren’t worried so much about you at this point.
What you need to take out of this is that if he disappears or withdraws, he really is not mentally interested in a relationship with you. In retrospect you may have gotten intimate with him too soon. But regardless of that, you just need to take it at its most hard-core face value. Don’t make excuses, don’t buy his busy bullshizzle. If he were interested he would be bringing you into his life and not becoming unreachable and untextable. The best thing you can do is shrug it off, and move on.
Consider yourself lucky, and opt out big time
Don’t be responsive to a guy who is vanishing. Let him vanish. Lick your wounds, be a little more cautious with your body in the future, and consider that he did you a favor. A gone guy is better than a half into you guy, any day. Now he can’t waste your time stringing you along. Sure it would have been better if you hadn’t gotten physical in the first place, but given that you did and can’t change it, just consider yourself lucky that he vanished into the woodwork. If he was into you, you would know it plain as day. If he isn’t, he’s a guy you don’t want to waste more time getting invested in. He is unobtainable. So just let it go.
Next time around
The next time around you may want to wait longer than you did this time to get intimate with a man. This forces him to get to know you a little more and to become invested and accustomed to hanging out with you in public. For example, has he shown you his place or invited you out with some friends? These are little bench marks that tell you he is willing to bring you into his world. If you wait until he has crossed into these social territories with you before you hook up you will be in a bit of a better position for a relationship.
For one thing, you won’t get hurt knowing that all you were, was a physical conquest. If he hasn’t even brough you into his life, then you get intimate and dumped, you are going to feel more objectified and used/discarded. By getting to know him better, you will feel more human at least, if he drops you. But let me tell you, that regardless of how long he has been hanging out with you, if he withdraws after intimacy he withdraws after intimacy. Does it really matter if you saw his place or not? Does it really matter if he introduced you to a couple of friends? The end game is the same: he doesn’t want to pursue a relationship.
Do not let him double back for a casual relationship
Instead of beating yourself up for having hookup up to soon, just consider how he behaves towards you afterwards as a game changer. If he pulls a fade, you just found out he doesn’t care, so you chalk it up to experience and move on. Don’t dwell, and don’t invest yourself. Rather than beat yourself up over the fact that you didn’t weed out a user before getting physical, just learn from the experience and become more discerning in your future. And trust me, there will be more men in your future. Your life ain’t over by a long shot so just give it some time and you will be fine.
Seriously, if you shoulder shrug off a guy who withdraws after intimacy, he is going to wonder why he hasn’t heard from you more than if you clamoured after him like he was probably expecting. Sometimes ignoring him will tempt him into doubling back and trying to hook up with you more on a casual basis. He doesn’t feel pressure, then he decides, cool maybe I can come back around when I feel like it with no expectations. Now is your chance to let him know, that his little plan won’t work.
If he doubles back for a casual relationship, I would just hit him out of the park and let him know that no, you just aren’t cool with it. Do this by becoming unavailable for free hooking up. Refuse to let him show up at your house late at night or last-minute. You’re too tired or you have other plans. If he has not made you feel secure, it is not your obligation to make him feel secure. He doesn’t know you that well, and now he knows that he needs to up his game if he wants to continue seeing you.
He will soon get the point that you aren’t up for merely hooking up. Protect yourself emotionally. Think long and hard before continuing to hook up with a guy that isn’t showing signs of boyfriend material. Trust me if he doesn’t want to hang out with you, tool around town with you, bring you around his people, and spend time during the light of day, he is not worth your time of night.
If a guy goes cool on you after intimacy, instead of getting upset, hurt, frustrated or feeling used, take control. He has shown you loud and clear, in the most blatant and hurtful way possible that he is not invested in a relationship with you. He does not care about your emotional well-being, and most importantly of all, this is not the right guy for you. Move on and don’t waste more time on this guy. If he doubles back tell him a casual relation is not your thing and won’t work for you. He can step up his game or disappear back into the woodwork that he already felt so OK about crawling into.
If he is aye-OK with disappearing, he isn’t right for you
If he dribble calls you after a week or two elapses, don’t you dare put up with it. You don’t want a man in your midst who doesn’t cherish you or care about your emotional well-being. If he was truly into you, he would have called you and kept contact and lifted you up, making you feel comfortable after the fact, and good about what happened. The odds of him falling in love with you, after readily dismissing you with a discarding attitude, is slim to literally none. And you now know he has a damn good capacity for being insensitive.
One last little tip for women. A guy who seemed to like you then who disappears, may have another lady deep in that dirty woodwork of his, that he never bothered to tell you about. He ran out of the woodwork of his life into yours temporarily and then scurried back into his woodwork. Ewwww. So you found out what he was really about. Next!