When you want a commitment but all you’re getting is a text message

If you’re trying to upgrade your relationship from a casual one to a committed one, you are not alone.  Many a woman has been exactly where you are.  Crying, stressing, begging, pleading, fantasizing and hoping.  Breaking up, giving ultimatums, fighting, dropping hints and feeling awkward when family events and holidays like Valentine’s Day come around.

The negative vibe that happens when you try to take a relationship from casual to committed

If you have a casual relationship and one person decides they want more it typically casts a negative vibe on an already flimsy union.  When you get to that delicate point where you are on the brink with him, and want more from him, watch out.  You are on very shaky ground.  If your relationship has already been established as a friends with benefits, hookup, multiple partners, casual fling, or a flat out booty call, you’ve already missed the window of opportunity to go from casual to committed. 

These situations where a casual relationship is at its breaking point are characterized by one person who wants more pitted against the other who wants only what they have now and no more.   This conflict of interest creates the classic negative vibe and that is kill-joy the relationship that was barely there in the first place.

It takes two to make a relationship more than casual and you just wanting it isen’t enough

Many people have a plan in their heads for the relationship.  They decide they want that relationship and they have a schedule plotted out in their head.  They decide he’s the one, so they hang in there until the bitter end trying to get their man.  The only problem, is that the relationship does not exist.  It exists mainly in the head of one of the people that is wishing for it to exist.  But it’s a wish for a relationship and not a relationship that is actually being lived out in real life.  This is why women will stay in imaginary relationships and casual relationships that involve just sex, stupidly thinking it will develop into more just because they want it to so bad.  It won’t.

For a relationship to happen both people have to be in the same head space.  Both people have to want it.  One person feeling sure that its the right thing for both does not a relationship make.  If the relationship has already been firmly established as casual there is little likelihood for it to change its nature by miracle magic.  The history writes itself.  If its been casual then it will be casual.  Trying to take a casual relationship into something serious is literally like banging your head against a wall and rewriting history.

There has to be two people wanting something, not one.  If a relationship is going to happen, both of the two people in it date and then both of the two people in it want to be in a relationship with one another as time progresses.  They both want to.  No-one is resisting an uncomfortable discussion.  No one is shying away.  This is the type of situation that has a chance of working out because it takes two.  Just one person wanting to be with the other who is unwilling, literally leads to nowhere other than heartbreak and unrequited love.  You can’t just have a vision of the relationship you want and insert the other person into your vision if that is not their vision.  They need to have a vision of being something to you as well.

Dream on because casual relationships rarely progress to anything healthy

Sometimes one of the people (often the woman) decides that they want the relationship so bad that they stay in the casual relationship unhappily settling and meanwhile delude themselves its going somewhere when by all actions of the other partner it is going nowhere.  Continuing to have sex does not indicate relationship progression, it indicates sex.  He may allow the intimacy to continue but he will not allow the relationship to progress because he does not want it to.

If you are text messaging him, pestering, badgering, begging, bribing, cajoling, threatening or demanding a more serious relationship out of him you will fail.  In a healthy relationship both people are interested in the relationship.  You don’t have one person disappearing for days or weeks then texting for a quick meetup romp.  Instead, both people are present, both are active, both want to spend time with one another.  Both go out of their way for one another.

Opt out when the writing is on the wall to save yourself some time, self respect and heart ache

Not all people progress at the same mental pace from casual to committed.  Men can be slower in wanting to commit to a relationship, monogamy and exclusivity.  You might allow some room for foot dragging and reluctance since not everyone marches to the exact same beat of the drum.  But be realistic and draw the line when its clear.  If you are getting booty texts, evasions, stung along, lies and bologne stories it’s reasonable to assume that a relationship is a lost cause.  If you have someone phoning you, seeing you, and really spending time with you in the light of day then you might want to give it a chance. 

Don’t set off alarm bells prematurely when you barely know each other

If the relationship is very early on try not to rush and force things.  Let them play out for months and then look at his behavior pattern and surmise his real interest level.  Does he call you, spend weekend time with you, bring you around his friends, and include you into his social life?  If so, let things play out and talk to him when you feel comfortable.  If however, he’s just coming around for a little action every now and then and doesn’t even respond to your contact for days or weeks, forget it.  Why invest in a relationship that doesn’t exist.  Not matter how hot he is, its just a waste of time.  Time is a very precious commodity especially to women who might want a family someday.

If your talks about commitment are coming from a negative place its a bad sign.  The signs are that the relationship is not healthy and one person doesn’t want to get more serious.  If the talk comes from a good place where both parties are interested, then it has the hallmarks of being a relationship with potential. 

Ladies if you don’t know if your relationship is casual or not its quite easy to tell.  If he texts you and never calls you, and comes over but never spends time out and about with you, its a casual relationship.  Another way you can tell in addition to texting habits, is whether he can easily have a conversation with you about your status or starts becoming evasive, aloof and avoiding when you bring the topic up.  If he is so reluctant that he can’t even be honest and straightforward and talk to you in person or on the phone, assume that a relationship is a no-go.  Evasion equals no.

A casual relationship is the furthest thing possible from a relationship

A casual relationship is about as far as you can possibly get from commitment that is humanly possibly.  If you are in a casual relationship then he has a higher probability of committing to a brand new girl that’s a complete stranger, than becoming serious about you.  The telltale negative vibe lets you know that any attempt to push for more will fail.  The vibe comes about because you know that you feel insecure and so you start pushing him for something more.  He on the other hand, hasn’t given any behavioral indication that he wants more.  If you are pushing, then he is being put on the spot and won’t care for the commitment guns being drawn on him.  Ergo, the stinky smell of bad vibe ensues.

Casual relationship


This entry was posted in She Asks and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *