If you are a woman who is taking it upon herself to do all of the heavy lifting in a relationship, you are very likely not doing it because you are being giving, loving or caring, though you might try to convince yourself of that. It is highly unlikely that you are doing it out of heart of gold altruism or charity. What is more likely to be the case, is that you are doing it out of selfishly wanting the relationship so badly that you are willing to force things. No matter how much you convince yourself you are trying to be understanding and doing all of the initiation for his sake because he’s busy or preoccupied, the real reason is that you are dead set on fulfilling your own fantasy of being in a relationship with him. But in fact you aren’t in a relationship with him and forcing yourself on him will only serve to drive him away.
You convince yourself and give excuses to him as to why he is not contacting you, texting and calling you at least every few days, and asking how you are. You have a fantasy of being in a real relationship and you want to keep it going, because why else would you go out of your way and assume the entire job of keeping the connection between the two of you going. Why else would you tolerate sitting on the outside of his life texting in to him, when in a normal boyfriend/girlfriend situation you’d be hanging out together not texting into him from the outside of his life. You wouldn’t be texting him about how his game went you’d be at the game, or he’d text you.
Enabling Neglect
The fundamental problem with always being the one to touch base, say hello, and ask him what’s up, is that it teaches him and enables him to neglect his share of the work. Trust me that this man is not going to wake up and suddenly start pitching in out of the blue. Why? Because he is likely to think this is great stuff. He can get all of the benefits of the relationship and see you when he has an itch to scratch without even having to put in any effort at all! So what does he do? He puts in no effort! So then he has a bunch of extra unused effort stored up that is going to be put somewhere and that somewhere is not you since you are already free. The somewhere is going to be looking for other women to pursue. He has plenty of time to do that with all the free time you give him since he doesn’t have to lift a finger for you. He furthermore refuses to lift a finger for you because he knows he doesn’t have to.
If you allow things to progress like this over time, you are actually causing your own problem of being treated like a doormat in the relationship. You are giving your man zero encouragement to want or need to make any kind of effort or commitment to you at all. This perpetuates his commitment phobic stance or at the least enables him to feign commitment phobia effectively with you. You’re doing all of the emotional support and literally nursing this man with all your contact and messages so he is not required to put any emotional effort in. All he has to do is respond and act half way human every once in a while when you happen to bug him at a good time.
Your man is going to be loving it and feeling safe that he can continue to rear up his head and rear it down with you and have intimate encounters with you and other ego stroking benefits sans effort. What a good deal for him. It’s so good a deal that even if he doesn’t really like you he’ll take it because then he can potentially stroke his ego and be a player and date more than one lady even, ha ha so fun for him. You, on the other hand, are going to start to simmer at a slow rising boil and wonder what you are getting out of this relationship anyways. Ire and anger will build that this man is not lifting a finger.
When you finally blow up out of frustration and tell him off or give an ultimatum
You can go on like this for a long time in a low ebb fake relationship where you are doing all of the work texting and contacting and initiating with him, while he continues to get the proverbial milk for free. Depending on how patient you are, eventually and its not a matter of if but when, you will blow your top. You will get uncomfortable and then impatient with your own pathetic doormat status and you’ll know that you are being taken advantage of. So, finally, you’ll make a hard push for exclusivity by either asking him nicely for it or making an ultimatum demand in a series of texts or phone conversations.
When you do finally make a demand on him after enabling him to not have to do any work in your shell of a relationship, he is going to go into shock. Here he has been taught that he doesn’t have to lift a finger for you because you’ve encouraged and allowed him to coast along by doing all the work yourself. You’ve been so easy to manage down. He’s more likely to view you as flying off the handle or becoming suddenly too demanding for his liking. Instead of wanting to pick up the slack he is more likely to opt out because you are changing the established and set lazy text message pattern of the relationship.
When to carry the relationship load, and when to unload it and dump it
It is important to clarify that if you are already in a totally established committed relationship, it may be excusable if you are doing a lot of relationship tending as most women tend to do that. That is a totally different situation though. If you are in a solid committed relationship and you put more work and effort into it than he does it wouldn’t be that unusual. Relationships have their ups and downs and ebbs and flows. Often times you will be the one trying harder. But this is with a man that is actually with you and committed to you and solidly your boyfriend or husband. If you are together for the long haul, then doing more work to preserve your status is actually understandable. Tending to an established relationship is normal.
What is not normal, is a permanent set in stone pattern early on in a relationship that you are doing absolutely all the work to keep things going. It’s when you’ve just started dating and he starts to lose interest and then you assume the role of being the one texting him and asking about him and trying to get together with him. That’s not normal. And if you allow that to happen then you are seriously stifling the new relationship by teaching the man that you’ll do all the work. If he starts to fizzle then it is better to let him rather than picking up slack and taking the entire relationship responsibility onto your own back. If you are in a relationship that is not completely developed or committed or exclusive, and you are doing all of the work, it’s trouble incarnate. Go down that track and you’ll never get his full interest back, not ever.
Don’t misrepresent what you really want and pretend to be okay with a casual relationship in order to somehow seduce, text, or beg your way up on his priority totem pole. It won’t happen. If you are carrying all the load and always initiating contact like you are an outsider trying to get on the inside, it is going to be a lost cause. Stop doing all the work for once and see what he actually does. Stop initiating contact. Stop texting him all the time and asking him how he is. Stop patiently waiting while he’s puttting you off and busy doing god knows what. If he doesn’t text you back quit texting him altogether.
Drop the effort and see where he picks it up. It’s the only way to really see what your status is with a man. If he picks up and starts contacting you regularly then you have a potential future with him. If he disappears without even caring and resurfaces only periodically when frisky, you should kick him permanently to the curb (since he’s already there anyways). That’s my opinion, having heard the sob stories from plenty of women who have been there and done that gotten hurt and learned the hard way.
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