Why ever commit? Understanding why he won’t get serious

The odds are that if you are dating a man that has you stuck on text message, there is a reason for it.  Is he flaky about keeping dates not seeming to know what lies ahead in his plans?  Does he blow hot and cold acting super nice when you see him but then he goes missing for days and weeks in between?  Does he sometimes return your text and sometimes not, always keeping you to mostly text message communication?  He is managing to make sure that you really and truely count on him as a boyfriend?

Let’s just say he’s not that busy.  He has time.  He just isen’t making it for you.  He can commit.  He just isen’t going to commit to you (not now anyways).   Different men have different policies for commitment.  If you are that perfect 9 or 10 hot babe then most men will act the same way.  You’ll knock their socks off and they will stop doing or dating all others to spend time with you and try to be with you.  But how realistic is that?  Not many of us are that perfect 9 or 10 so we do have to compete with other women for men. 

Especially since Internet dating has leveled the playing field for men, they have more choices.  Women more than ever, have to stand out from the crowd.  Women need to not just look good, but have that shining personality and cool attitude to attract men emotionally as well. 

If you’re a woman and find yourself in a gray area relationship where he seems to like you yet won’t be exclusive or even seriously consider such things, he’s probably dating you casually, and doing his communications mostly on text message to both enforce and keep you limited and contained to casual dating status. 

His policy for commitment and where you fit into that

This article is going to give you some insight as to where you stand with him, and why.   If you’re wondering whether to hang in or give up you’ll be interested in knowing how he thinks.  He may have a different commitment policy than what you are used to and it helps to understand how he might think about things. For men it’s not about logic which is why commitment talks don’t help. He needs to feel drawn to you, plain and simple.

Type A He’s always been the commitment type or has recently become commitment minded, and you lucked out

Some men are just boyfriend minded.  They date one woman at a time and really give it a chance.  It’s just their personality not to be players.  If they were players, they’re over it and genuinely looking for a woman with whom they are compatible and to spend their time with.  Usually this is the commitment-minded type and you won’t have to look over your shoulder while dating him.  He’ll pay attention to you and if the relationship doesn’t work out it won’t be about other woman and opportunities coming his way. It will be about your compatibility.

Type B He’s a player yet you completely knocked his socks off so suddenly he’s thinking that a relationship with you might be good

Some men are players yet they come across a woman that really knocks their socks off.  They are smitten with her.  Having known quite a few players and dated some, these women tend to be young, hot, and loaded or some combination of those three things.  If you want to stop a man dead in his tracks you’ll have to have a great personality, enviable social circle, and killer dress code.  You’re also going to need very high standards for yourself and be the type of woman that will not put up with any nonsense from men.  If you’ve got it going on physically, have your own life, and are willing to walk on a man who does shenanigans, you might be able to get a player to act like a commitment minded man by hitting him with a lightening bolt. He knows you’re special and that if he doesn’t act right he’ll get the boot.

Type C He’s casually dating you and commitment is the furthest thing from his mind right now

OK so you didn’t luck out and get a commitment minded man, and you didn’t send wedding bells off in his brain at hello, then you are here, which is, casual dating.  Here is where the confusion comes in.  A man who is casually dating has a totally different commitment tempo than a woman that is casually dating.  A woman is expecting the man to be like A, boyfriend minded, the minute she gets intimate or sleeps with him.  She thinks if she’s dating him or becoming intimate with him that he should take down his Internet dating profiles, stop dating other women, and try a relationship out.  Wrong!  He is not thinking that way at all because he’s not the A type and you didn’t wow him enough to make him the B type.  Here is how he might be thinking.

He is going to date multiple women regularly and indefinitely.  As time goes on, some of these women will come and some of these women will go.  He’ll make sure by staying on the Internet or going out and meeting people frequently that there is a steady stream of dates.  He figures he should meet all different types of women. If he gets lucky and is intimate with a women it does not mean he stops seeing the others. It means he’s having fun dating!

Here is how it works. The more he starts to like a particular girl, the less motivated he will be naturally to find new girls.  Hopefully this girl is you and he’ll enjoy his time with you.  It’s all based on a gut feeling with him.   He hasn’t made any decisions about trying anything out, commitment, taking online dating profiles down, none of that!  It’s all about him being on a revolving merry go round of women and dates.

If he starts spending more and more time with you, he will as a natural result of that, be spending less and less time gathering other women.  Eventually, some sort of breaking point happens.  It’s like cream rising to the top.  He’ll naturally find more enjoyment out of spending time with you more than these other girls he is seeing.  Once that starts to happen consistently, you become girlfriend material in his eyes.  The biggest thing to notice is that it probably just evolves with him and it’s not some on/off decision that if he sleeps with you, then he takes his profile down and becomes exclusive.  In fact, intimacy may not have much to do with his tempo and it’s more about if he is emotionally drawn to you.

How to handle the hardest commitment tempo Type C

Handling a man who is following commitment tempo C is the hardest.  Obviously it would be better if he were boyfriend minded by nature, or if you were such a great catch in his eyes that he dropped everyone else he was seeing from day one.

In order to keep dating a man like this you will have to understand that it will be a roller coaster.  He’ll see other women and depending on those external factors that you have zero control over, his interest level in you will rise and fall.  If you think this man is for you then by all means you might want to hang in there and continue to see him.  The only thing is that you should keep a careful eye on whether his relationship with you is growing deeper over time. If things never, ever, seem to progress to where you are introduced to his friends and spending time hanging out with him in his real life (not just a date once a month when he has nothing to do) then you might want to opt out.

If you are a borderline candidate for him, he will not get closer to you as time goes on.  If he was seeing you once every few weeks at the get go, and six months or a year later you see him once every few weeks with zero change in the relationship, then you are just a buddy and not girlfriend material in his eyes.  If you casually date a man who is dating others, you should discontinue seeing him if you feel like the relationship is never going to progress.  You should date other people because I assure you that he is. 

Hopefully this article shows you that different men have different inclinations towards relationships.  Some are the commitment type, some become the commitment type over night when the perfect woman comes along, and some are inclined to casually date multiple women unless and until one of those women hits a breaking point with him where he enjoys spending time with her the most.   This girl might grow into his girlfriend but it won’t be because she forces him, she’ll just naturally evolve as his favorite.  If he goes out with someone else, he’ll find himself wishing she was there.

If you are typing things into Google such as why won’t he text back, why does he text not call, hot and cold, and disappears for weeks you should know that such text shenanigans tells you something!  It tells you that his attitude towards you is that of a casual date.  He is casually dating you and that’s it.  He is not committed.   First things first which is that once you get it that you are a casual girlfriend and stop deluding yourself that you are something more, you’ll be better equipped to handle things with him.

If you find yourself in the role of casual girlfriend where he is dating other women, still has an active profile, and won’t commit, be careful.  Watch the relationship as it evolves.  If you feel he is getting more into you over time then you might want to hang in there.  If, however, you feel like you are some low hanging easy to pick fruit and that he is constantly in search of a better trade up, let him go. 

You don’t want to be his buddy along for the ride while he continues to look for the next best thing.  I think women can feel instinctively whether they are being strung along and headed for a fall with a man.  If you start to feel used, cut him off.  If, however, you feel like this man is getting closer and closer to you, hang in there.  It’s competitive out there and if you have to hold ground while some other dates fall by the wayside, so be it.  The dating multiple women mentality is here to stay and if you have emotional fortitude and patience, you may be able to get him addicted to you in time.


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