Why her not me?

Its the question all women ask when they get dumped only to find out that their ex committed to the next woman that came along. Here are a few reasons why you may have missed the commitment boat. Some you could have done something about, some you could not have done anything about.

You slept with him too soon

The beginning of a relationship is crucial when predicting commitment. If your relationship got off onto the wrong foot by sleeping with him too soon it becomes harder to get a commitment. Men tend to track you or put you into a slot from the get-go. Once you are slotted, its nearly impossible to move into a different relationship slot.

If you started as a friends with benefits, sex buddy, casual relationship, text to hookup late at night, or as a one night stand its way harder (if not impossible) to get a commitment later on. That is why it is always best to demand girlfriend status from the get-go or get out early. If you take him up on a late night text he learns that he doesn’t even have to go out with you to see you intimately. Never accept a booty text because its a one way ticket into a totally uncommitted relationship. You’ll never be able to undo it.

You pressured him, so he balked

Men don’t like to feel pressured. If its all your idea to get serious and you were the one who pursued him you will find yourself treading upstream. Generally speaking he likes to be the one who picks who he is with and the pace it progresses at. If you were the pursuer and pressured him for more he might have balked. He wants things to be his idea not yours.

Dominance is key and he wants to be in control of where he is heading. If you were the one texting him and bothering him for plans all the time and demanding to know where he’s been, he will be more likely to tune out your pressure and treat you like a pest to be ignored. It really has to be his idea, or at the least both of your ideas, not just your idea. It takes two to make a relationship. If its just you, the relationship does not exist except in your own head.  You might wish for or fantasize about or delude yourself that its headed toward commitment, but if he’s not on board it isen’t heading anywhere.

You let him take you for granted, so he did

Too much mommy treatment may lead to cohabitation but not commitment. If you are constantly cleaning, cooking and catering to him he may want you as his free live in help but may not want to commit to you. Men don’t really want to partner up with their mothers. If you allow him to take you for granted the chances are he will take what you have to offer to get his needs met without offering you a commitment back in return.

Men want a woman who offers them very little and places a high value on herself. She makes him work for her love and affection and does not hand it out on a free silver platter. If you’re willing to drop everything when he calls texts you for plans last minute he will quickly see you as plan b and continue to look for plan a while he takes advantage of you and uses you as a convenience.

It was timing in which case you shouldn’t have wasted your time on him

If you were foolish enough to get involved with one of those men advertising themselves as single but with the just got out of a relationship not looking for anything serious disclaimer, then you got what you deserved. If he really wasn’t in any sort of head space to be in a relationship when you met him, the chances of changing your dynamic after the horse is bolted is very slim. If he could have you without much of a commitment it is so very unlikely he will magically morph into someone that is desperate to commit to you.

If he wasn’t in a place emotionally or career wise to be in a relationship when you met its hopeless. He will likely use up your time and then find someone new when his career and house is in order and he feels he is ready to get involved. That person probably won’t be you. That’s why its a bad idea to go along with a casual relationship. If you agree to such a setup you usually don’t get the guy.  All you get is a passenger slash ring side spectator seat along the ride for a while until he meets someone else to get serious about.

You were too needy, which is a turn off

Men don’t want to be smothered. If you don’t have your own life then the chances are he won’t want to take you on. He doesn’t want to feel like he has to provide you with everything. A vivacious woman with her own friends, social circle and personal life is much more appealing. He wants to see you as someone that has something to offer him. If you have a life he finds exciting he will like that. If you’re a dud that relies on him for entertainment he won’t like that.  Texting him with messages like where are you, I’m bored is a bad idea for that reason.  Get a life (he’ll think).

The fit simply was not there for him, and you lacked the perks he desired

Sometimes he just doesn’t see you as relationship material. This can be your looks, his attraction to you and superficial things but sometimes its really something that he is specifically looking for in a woman that you just don’t have.  It could be perks, age, proximity, baggage, money, stability or any variation of these things.

For example maybe you live too far. He might have liked you but didn’t like the inconvenience of traveling to see you. Maybe he didn’t feel like your lives could easily mesh without a whole lot of work. Men want something to feel natural. They would like someone from their work place or their neighborhood that they got to know organically more than a woman who they met on the Internet and have to commute long distance to in order to see.  Thats why its a bad idea to get into long distance text relationships – they are a waste of time and eventually they guy finds someone in his local area to date.  You wind up losing out.

It can also be what you have to offer financially. In this economy some men can be gold diggers. They are looking for a woman that will improve their quality of life and with whom they can grow old. Having assets and money or business connections that can further his career puts you in a higher category of desirabilty.  You’ve heard of the guy that dumps his gorgeous girlfriend for a rich, less attractive girl.  Well, maybe he was looking for a certain lifestyle or personality and not just looks.  Men are particular about what they want whether they admit it or not.

If you had little to offer and were geographically undesirable he may have liked you but not wanted to get serious. If he doesn’t see an easy and comfortable fit between your lives he won’t choose you. He will continue to look because he thinks he can do better. Men look for benefits and perks, so make sure to work on having plenty to offer.

You were critical of his behavior, and did not boost his ego

If you are clingy, insecure, and dependent it is quickly going to become exhausting for him. You have to have the exact right mix of total independence while at the same time being smitten with him. Complimenting him goes a long way to getting to his heart. If you are constantly criticizing him and his behaviors and how he lives his life, your chances of getting him to commit diminish greatly.

If he isen’t giving you what you want in the relationship it is always smarter to opt out of involvement. Because if you stick around and harbor resentment or become critical of his lousy treatment of you, you will never get anywhere. Your relationship will be fraught with disagreements and he will be unlikely to commit to a turbulent union.  Even if the turbulence and drama is all his fault, he still won’t commit.  You might be techincally in a relationship, but not a happy one leading towards commitment.

If your relationship gets to be so rocky that hatred, lies, contempt or resentment came into play, commitment will not happen. He is going to want to be with a confident woman who has her own life but at the same time adores and worships him. It’s a complicated balancing act. He definitely needs to feel like he can make you happy but at the same time he needs that feeling that you can live without him too.

You bought into his stupid excuses wholesale, and stuck around

Stupid excuses such as I just got out of relationship, I am scared to get hurt, I don’t deserve you, and I need some time, or lets take it day by day, are just that, excuses. If a man really likes you he will get his act together very quickly. He will pursue you. He will commit to being your boyfriend. If any of these things are off track then question seriously whether you want to stick around for a sub-par relationship where you are getting strung along.

As mentioned in the examples above, once he is uncommitted but has you, and moreover has you too easily, its game over.  If he is able to use you as a plan b, and gets away with taking you for granted, your chances of commitment go way, way down. Becoming clingy, needy or controlling when you aren’t getting what you want will only further ensure that you don’t get a commitment.

If the timing is not right with him then definitely opt out of the relationship and don’t waste your emotional investment in it. Better to get over it and move on to someone who does have the right timing. Because if the timing was off with the two of you it will likely never get to be the right timing. The right timing will happen with the next girl he meets.

Never try to fix a man from the ground up. It is so unlikely you will get a commitment as the underdog in a relationship with him. Chances are good that the next girl he meets will be the one to benefit from all your all work. You’ll be left in so-called negative equity.

If your relationship got off on the wrong foot, if he won’t commit, if he’s giving you stupid excuses, and you feel like you are being strung along, you probably are. Chances of reversing this relationship if you hang on are so slim. Better to leave and tell him to come back around when or if he is ready to try and be with you as you deserve. In the meantime, look for someone else.

Be the one he commits to the next time around

Once he realizes that you won’t accept poor treatment he might up his game. Women that will leave a relationship over how they are being treated are more likely to get a commitment. If you believe you have a value then he will also believe it. Then suddenly you’ll be the type of girl that he will commit to.

Unfortunately, you might have to lose a few good guys on the way to realizing that you must have enough self respect that a man will commit to you.   If you are on this web site wondering why a guy won’t text you, ignores your texts, broke plans with you, or otherwise lied to you, you may want to get rid of the guy.  Casual text relationships are pure and total doom.  If you are playing cat and mouse games on text there is probably something seriously wrong.  Normal relationships have normal texts, phone calls, and in person conversation.  Anything less, well its not likely to lead you down the commitment yellow brick road.

It may seem like the end of the world if you thought one of these men you lost out on was the one, but it is not. There will be another man that comes along eventually. And after having to lose someone by learning the hard way, you’ll be ready for Mr. new guy when he shows up.  The only good thing about losing a guy is that you have a chance to do it better with the next one.


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