Why is she better than me in his mind?

Breakups suck and a broken heart hurts like hell.  Undoubtedly, if you were the one unceremoniously dumped by text message it can kill you to know he is happily dating someone new and no longer interested in you.  Your texts are being ignored, you’re doing all of the initiating, and he no longer even bothers to contact you because he’s done.

As you lick your wounds you undoubtedly start to obsess with this one tiny nagging question.  The question of why she was better than you, at least in his mind.  You dated him, had good chemistry, seemed to get along well, and thought that things were progressing smoothly.  You clicked with him, so his dumping you left you reeling in self doubt.  Why her and not me?  Why wasn’t I good enough for him? you wonder.

You may be funny, cute, gorgeous even, smart, and a good catch.  You’ve been told even by him how great you are.  But she is the one getting flowers and dates with him.  Will he become the same person he was with you over time and eventually lose interest in her too, or is he in it for the long haul with her, you wonder incessantly.

Things may not have been as good as you thought

One answer to this question is that things may not have been as good with him as you thought.  He may have been putting on a facade or a front and therefore charming you on purpose.  He wants to get his needs met so for a while he acts on his best behavior towards the person he is dating.  This can mess with your head because he made it seem like the two of you are getting along famously, then suddenly lowered the boom. 

The fact that you thought everything was great may not have really been the case.  Men tend to sink their hooks in and try to keep them there to get a sexual relationship out of a woman they date.  This does not a relationship make however.  It’s a goal to conquer.  Once that has been accomplished, he will start to get more critical and analyze exactly what you have to offer him.  Without your really understanding what is going on, he may decide over time that you aren’t right for him.  It can be something as simple as his feeling that he doesn’t feel emotionally drawn to you.

He may have been scanning his options in advance

While you may become blind-sided by his text dump, chances are that he has been scanning options for a while.  Men don’t like to be left out in the cold and prefer to do that to you when the relation ends.  So he may have been continuing to act nice but in reality he was scanning options for a better fit while you two were still dating. 

If you think back on what happened there may have been subtle signs he was backing off that you chose not to notice or just plain ignored.  Usually, the writing is on the wall when a man dumps you by text but you just refused to see the signs on the approach to the breakup.

You don’t know what he is looking for

Even if you get along well with him, he may have in his mind an agenda about who he will get serious with.  For example, he may be dead set on being with someone younger.  So he dates you but won’t commit because ultimately he thinks he can meet and get a younger woman.

It might be geography.  You might get along great however if you live 45 minutes away from him and there is no chance of either of you moving, he might consider you as geographically undesirable.  The same woman that lives in his neighborhood or that works with him every day of his life might become more attractive.  She doesn’t really have anything on you, other than the fact that she fits more easily into his daily life.

Men can be after certain looks or attributes that you haven’t even thought of.  They might be concerned about religion, about someone with children, or someone that is financially struggling.  If he thinks he can meet a millionaire, he may not commit to you.  A man has a certain knowledge of his own market value in the dating world and its crude and rude however he may just think he can do better.  If she represented a better opportunity in his mind, it explains why you got discarded.

He is who he is

If you had issues with him, eventually the next person will have issues with him as will.  He is who he is, no matter who he is with.  The new woman will most likely be dealing with the same issues in him that you were.  It’s just that he is in the honeymoon period with her and she doesn’t see through him you.  Her naivety would be attractive to him because he has a new person who he can sell his stories too and he is not apt to get questioned or analyzed by her. She is not onto him yet.

He is getting back at you in a way, by treating her better

A man can subconsciously punish you and get back at you by doing for the new woman what he refused to do for you.  That’s why the new girl gets the flowers even though you complained about his never giving flowers to you.  He doesn’t want to respond to nagging so he didn’t do these things for you but it gave him the bright idea of what to do for her. 

While he never talked to you on the phone or returned phone calls, all of a sudden he is responding with her.  He never texted you but now all of a sudden he is a text addict with her.  In a way it can make him feel good to know that he can make somebody else happy and it reinforces his ego as to the fact that he can easily replace you.  It’s a winning situation because he makes her happy, boosts his own ego, and gets back at you all at the same time.

She has something to offer that you did not

She may have had something to offer him that you simply didn’t have.  He might be more attracted, or see her as a sugar-momma who will be more apt to do as he says.  He may be acting on better behavior because she has more self-respect than you did.  He knows he can’t get away with being a cad to her so he behaves himself better. 

He might see her as a better potential for a long term partner.  It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you it just shows that the dating world is competitive and you may not always get every single guy you want.  It’s hard to accept but he has his own truth. 

He might have liked you enough to date you but deep down he knew that you weren’t going to be the one.  So when the time came to opt out, he took the easy cowardly way out by text dumping you.  When you have someone new waiting in the wings its really easy to dump somebody.  You just decide you are doing it and then chop off at the neck.  He may have been justifying the rude behavior by assuming oh well, you’d get over it eventually. 

He may not be able to identify well with how you feel.  Men that break up by text message aren’t known to have a whole lot of empathy.  He knows he is going to axe you and he knows it may hurt you but its about him.  He has a goal of breaking it off with you and he is going to achieve that goal regardless of what you have to say about it.  In fact, if he is steadfast in his decision then whatever you have to say doesn’t really matter to him.  It’s not going to change his mind.

He may have fallen in love

It’s possible that he just fell way more in love with her than he ever did with you.  Because he feels more strongly about her, he is willing to disappear right out of your life.  He is willing to do more for her, including cutting off communication with anybody he was seeing including you.  Basically she’s his new supply.  She’s giving him attention, love, and meeting his needs. He’s busy trying to please her.

Imagine the last guy you dated who you weren’t into so much, and then him who you were into a lot.  You couldn’t control who you were into.  It can be the same way for him.  For whatever inexplicable reason he just is more into her.  The thing to know is that you can’t fight it and you can’t control how he feels.  The only person that can make decisions for him is him. 

He picked you too, once upon a time

One thing that can help is to realize that he did pick you as well.  He was interested enough to get somewhat involved with you.  So it’s not like he didn’t like you, he just likes her better.  It hurts but his reasons are something you can never control.  Just be your best self and let it roll.

If he is doing all sorts of things for her that he never did for you it can be partly because he is playing mind-games and wants to show you that he can make it work with someone else.  He has an image that he wants to project.  Whenever someone dumps you, you go through a period of cognitive dissonance where you just can’t accept that somebody was a better fit for the guy you thought would be yours.

He is in the honeymoom phase with her

Things may seem all rosy with her because it’s new.  She isen’t criticizing him and fighting with him so she is more of a pleasure to be around.  It doesn’t mean his relationship with her will be that amazing, it just means that he is more comfortable with her and feels that she accepts him for who he is. If he had character flaws such as lying, cheating, or deceiving you then these flaws go along with him.  Eventually they will rear their ugly head in his new relationship it’s just that you won’t be privy to hear about that part of it.

When a guy dates you for a while and then decides no you aren’t the one for him, then he goes and immediately clicks with someone new it can be gut-wrenching.  But the fact is that if he doesn’t want to be with you then you should really care less about his wonderful new relationship with her.  You’ll drive yourself crazy with this way of thinking.  Instead you need to focus on your life and try to get busy doing other things. 

Realize that you are not alone!

The busier you keep yourself the easier it will be to move on.  Remember that you have a hormonal bond with him.  Try to stop looking at his facebook, texting him, etc.  As you get some time to detox from him you will gain a better perspective.  It may really take months, sometimes as many as six months to feel human again.  But you will feel human again.  Every breakup involves someone that gets hurt.  This is going on every second all across the world that relationships fall apart.  The best way to think about it is that eventually it happens to everyone. 

If you are wondering why she was better just stop.  Everyone else around the entire world is wondering about why they got broken up with or weren’t good enough also.  There are so many people wondering this that quite frankly its a total waste of your time to wonder.  Focus on letting time heal, and eventually moving on yourself, instead of obsessing about him. 

Learn to let go

There is little point in obsessing on something you no longer have any control over.  Once you get some distance from the relationship you may look back on it and realize that there were problems that you overlooked.  He might have been treating you poorly but you were so obsessed that you overlooked how he was disrespecting you.  Don’t idealize him as perfect and the only one you will ever love or feel right with.  He isen’t.  Eventually someone new will come along, it is just that it might take a little longer for you to find someone new than it did for him to.

She is getting the good parts of him now yet it’s not for you to worry about and you shouldn’t even compare yourselves.  If it makes you feel better than repeat this quote daily: the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  She may be perfect for him now but when she eventually raises her expectations of him she may find herself in the same boat that you fell into.  He is her problem now, not yours.


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