Have you ever dated someone that you weren’t genuinely interested in for purely selfish reasons? Maybe it was because you wanted to duty-date in between relationships just to get out of the house, or maybe that person offered you some sort of benefits. When we casually date someone we sometimes don’t have the best intentions for that person or their future floating around in our head. Essentially we’re dating for our own selfish reasons. They become our good for now until something better comes along person.
This article points out that when casually dating one should never overlook the fact that the person you are dating has their own agenda as well. In the world of Internet dating and casual dating, we sometimes think only of ourselves and what is in it for us. We don’t realize that the other person is thinking what’s in it for them.
It can be very helpful to step back from a relationship you are involved in and try to see it from the other persons perspective. Particularly if you’re stuck in a casual relationship with someone that involves a lot of texting without all of the standard accoutrements of a real relationship, looking at the relationship from the other persons perspective can help you identify whether you’re going nowhere and nowhere fast with them. You’re no mind reader and you don’t have a crystal ball, yet you are perfectly capable of pondering what is in it for them and what are their real intentions? The answer might surprise you. If you can’t second guess their intentions eventually you’ll find out what they are really about from their behavior. It just make take you a little longer. Here are some less than spectacular reasons that people stay involved and stay texting with people that they don’t genuinely care about.
Casually dating and texting for variety
With the advent of the Internet dating lifestyle some people are in it just for the game. Particularly those just out of relationships or marriages, they just want to date a variety of people. It’s almost like they made bad choices and now want to meet a plethora of people to see whats out there and learn what they really want. If you sense you’re just a casual or occasional date for somebody you might want to consider whether you want them learning what they want on you or not. If you’re both enjoying dating then fine however if you are hung up on them yet being treated as merely an option you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. Understanding their desires will help you adjust your own expectations downward.
Casually dating and texting out of convenience
People do casually date out of convenience. If you live next door to your neighbor and they date you however refuse to call you a girlfriend or boyfriend or introduce you to friends for example, you may be a convenience. People that like you genuinely care about you and what is going on in your life. Someone that has a boyfriend or girlfriend back home might date you in the interim. Why, because you are convenience. If their honey is 300 miles away and you happen to be next door well then, you know what that means. Think of the famous song lyric If you can’t be with the one you love honey, love the one you’re with.
Stop-gap dating and texting
Women and men alike don’t like to cope with bouts of loneliness. It’s akin to crossing a river and wanting to find the next rock to step on so that they don’t get their feet wet. If you feel you are a stop-gap measure for someone you might want to realize it and adjust your relationship expectations lower. The way to know you’re a stop gap measure is if you used to be their girlfriend or boyfriend but have since been downgraded to text message while they are increasingly busy (looking around for someone else). Similarly, if you are dating someone who is still actively online looking for others and this has gone on for more than 6-9 months the relationship is unlikely to progress. When you first start to date it makes sense to continue to date others. After a while though if you don’t rise to the top of their dating totem pole it’s because they simply don’t want the relationship to progress.
Dating and texting for financial or social benefits
Does the person dating you really care about your life? If you are wealthy, popular or have other benefits then you have to be careful. Is someone dating you for you, or for what you have to offer them? People often speak of gold-diggers since they don’t want someone to like them for just their money. You want to be with someone who likes you and not with someone who is just taking advantage of you because you are offering someone some benefits. People do take advantage or social and financial benefits so beware.
Dating and texting for an ego boost
People do date for an ego boost, not just for good company. Have you ever dated someone that breaks up with you, claims they don’t want you, yet when you actually start to move on with your life they magically appear again only to suck you back into their vortex? This is when they don’t want you, but they don’t really want anyone else to have you, so they come back around periodically to stroke their own ego and make sure you are still pathetically hooked on them.
Dating and texting to be a player
They say that the husbands (or wives) are the ones that go crazy at the bachelor (or bachelorette) party, not the people that are already single. If you’re dating someone that just got out of a marital cave then beware. These men might even openly admit to you that they are just out of a relationship and not looking for anything serious. If you are among many women they are dating as they dip their foot into the single world, you might be dating a player. A man who has other girlfriends and appears then falls off the radar for weeks on end may also be a player. If you feel like you’re being looked up when it’s convenient or when it’s your turn, you might want to consider opting out or, lowering expectations.
Dating and texting to satisfy a duplicitous cheater personality
Sometimes people selfishly play around because they are young, single and ready to mingle. They might date different people, juggle people and even overlap people. They know they are doing it and have fun with the sneaking around and risk taking. To some people, relationships like this are exciting and they justify it by the fact that they are single and have not agreed to be exclusive with anyone. Then there are the really secretive cheater types who claim to be exclusive and aren’t. Think Tiger Woods. They play around because they can, and continue to do it until they are caught and then they opt out and try to go back to who they were really with, if they can. Certain people want to have fun , live life on their own terms, and they don’t worry about the realities of hurting you. They figure you are an adult, so deal with it because they aren’t going to be taking and sort of responsibility for their actions.
Continuing to casually date and text out of laziness or complacency
Sometimes the person who is dating you knows that the sand glass of your relationship is running out and they know when and how it will end. If someone is dating you casually yet slowly disappearing and fizzling over time take note of it. They might be too lazy to pull the rip cord but the minute you cross them they will. They might continue to casually date you so long as you are causing them minimal aggravation. Trust me, if you make and real demands on their time they will cut ties.
Continuing to casually date and text because you allow it
The biggest reason that you’ll find yourself demoted to a casual dating relationship and texting rather than dates, plans and phone calls, is that you allow it. If you stopped allowing dismissive behavior then the person would not be able to treat you like that. The downside is that they’ll probably disappear out of your life completely once you start setting standards that you should have from the get go. It’s never too late to set standards however it’s hard to retrain someone who has already learned that they can get away with treating you poorly. If you don’t expect or insist on exclusivity you likely won’t get it.
Dating and texting because they hate you
A person may even hate the person they still casually date and text but they continue to stay in touch anyways. Sometimes people hang in even though their attitude about you has massively eroded over time to hatred. As soon as they meet a replacement, they’ll be gone. People in this scenario become duplicitous. They continue to date you while slowly planning their exit and maybe even exacting some emotional revenge when the time comes.
To summarize, if you are wondering where your relationship is going it might help to step back and try to see what’s in it for the other person. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes and the one you are in may or may not be what you think. If their contact with you has diminished to where you are dating and seeing one another less and texting more, you may be in with someone who isen’t in it for all the right reasons. Don’t let yourself get emotionally caught up in a relationship where you are a mere convenience for the other person.
Remember that saying that you should not be an option but rather a priority. Once someone starts treating you like an option you must recognize it so that you can have control over whether you’ll allow yourself to be strung along, or not. Wise men say that the people who get strung along in relationships are the same people that allow themselves to be strung along in realtionship.
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