Why women who want relationships and men who just want to play don’t mix

I am about to characterize one of the most common internet dating scenarios out there today but you probably won’t run across articles about this on eharmony.com or match.com. It’s the fact that women who are seeking relationships and men who are seeking fun, don’t mix. Unfortunately, it is very often the case that women online are looking for relationships and men online are looking for adventures in dating. Because of this basic dichotomy, women need to be very cautious with the internet dating.

Some men go onto the internet dating sites not to pursue a relationship, but rather to have fun being single with the goal of meeting a variety of women. Women on the other hand, are typically seeking an exclusive relationship. They can’t meet anyone locally, so they go online to widen their search. The magnitude of this disparity in men’s and women’s objectives when it comes to online dating, is often over looked by women. In many cases women figure this all out when it is way too late. They figure it out once they have been hurt by dating a man they met online who just wasn’t relationship inclined. It is incredibly important for women to exercise caution when dating on the internet. Remember when you meet a man, that you honestly don’t know what rock he’s climbing out from under. You don’t know if he is just separated, dating prolifically, divorced, or looking for intimate encounters at the price of a coffee date. You don’t know him.

In defense of the men who are out to play online, they aren‘t necessarily evil. They really want to play is all. Men tend to be at ease going with the flow of dating numerous women. The internet dating environment lets him do just that. It’s not like he is doing anything wrong per se. He writes the smartest thing he can possibly write on his profile to accomplish the goal of meeting women. The logical thing to say is that he is looking for the one. What he doesn’t reveal is that he may be looking for a lot of ones. He isn’t really lying because technically, if someone really and truly wowed him, then might consider a relationship. He stretches the truth a little bit.

Now, match that to the woman on match.com who really wants to meet someone that actually falls in love with her and cares about her, has an interest in her family upbringing and would like nothing more than to get off of the internet dating sites. Basically, she wants a man who genuinely cares about getting to know her. Following the oft reverse logic of dating, she doesn’t want to sound too serious and scare anyone off. So, she puts on her dating profile that she just wants to have fun and if she meets the right person then that would be amazing but she is not desperate and not in any rush. Also, a sort of truth, somewhat distorted.

So there you have a man who isn’t interested in a relationship state that he is, and a woman who is interested in a relationship state that she isn’t! Do you see how that works?

Now, two such people meet for a coffee date and they hit it off discovering they have really good chemistry. This man is gorgeous and she is excited to meet this potentially perfect suitor. Perhaps they exchange a kiss but she has standards and holds her physical ground with him. They have a few dates after that and within a short period of time things start to get physical. She waited (not long) but she waited at least before becoming romantically involved. She felt he liked her, and he did like her. So, they start a casual relationship and things seem to be going surprisingly well.

Now comes the rub because a relationship or exclusivity was never discussed up until this point. This man is thinking he and this woman have something pretty good in common. There is no pressure of commitment and they seem to want the same thing. He thinks a passionate physical relationship with some dates, no serious pressure, and no worries about whether the person wants a commitment yet, is a good situation. It’s a let’s take it day by day and see what tomorrow brings ideal situation for him and he’s feeling good about it. So a few weeks maybe months pass and what they man thinks is that everything is going great.

In the woman’s mind however, she is already secretly planning a future with him. Hormones are flying because she really feels strongely for this man and has potential to be the one. The man of her dreams. She plays it cool and the man meanwhile thinks he is in a relationship with someone who wants we he wants, dating, no commitment, loads of fun and lets see where it goes. For the woman, it is almost always something else. If she likes him, she undoubtedly wants a relationship. If they have become physical, she undoubtedly will develop expectations that they become exclusive and that he remove his profile from online.

I bring up this very common scenario only to point out that women often get hurt in precisely these internet dating relationships. They play it cool, yet in reality get deeply bonded to a man that they are romantically involved with. As this is happening, it feels only natural to start to gently push the man for more of a commitment or boyfriend or girlfriend status. The minute the man feels her closing in though, he gently back peddles reminding her that it really wasn’t want they signed up for. He points out that exclusivity and a relationship and getting off line was something they never even discussed much less agreed to. In comes all the self help books and suddenly the woman is going to relationship seminars and becoming distraught over the situation. Meanwhile the man is playing golf with his buddies happily assuming he is in a casual relationship and has the freedom to date anyone he wishes. He never made a commitment to her.

It’s sad but it’s really common. Women know better. They’ve read the self help warnings advising them to take it slow especially in the internet dating environment. But they regularly ignore the signs and get carried away with the men that they meet. It’s like throwing caution to the wind and because of this, women get hurt a lot more than they need to. This situation relates to text messaging big league because as the women becomes more wanting of a true bond, the man is back peddling her down to lets just text her more than call her status. Pretty soon it becomes, lets just text her. And then it devolves to, lets just blow her off and find someone who isn’t quote unquote lying about what she wants and really does want what I want which is to date day by day and see where things lead. So he clicks another box, and a brand new woman pops up and he sends her an email and off he goes.

It’s sad to say that fizzling internet relationships almost always wind up on text messaging. A woman who is wondering why her man no longer texts her, might have just been through what I’ve described above. Text message patterns almost always follow that pattern of failure in the relationship. One person expects the relationship to become more serious and the other person starts to leave the relationship, and pretty soon all they are doing is texting.

It‘s a little bit discouraging to say the least. Younger women in their twenties have many dating choices and so they seem to fare better in the dating environment. If one relationship does not work out she has plenty of ready, willing and able suitors to move on to. As women age however, each relationship holds more meaning in her life. This is the person who can get very hurt when she realizes that met on the internet really is not looking for the same thing she is.

You read these articles about how to get over him. You tell yourself that you deserve better, block the losers out of your life, and so on. But if the landscape is full of men pursuing casual uncommitted relationships, you’ll fear ending up alone which is no fun either.

The moral is to keep your chin up and date defensively, particularly on the internet. Get to know people before getting romantically involved. Learn what their intentions are by waiting. Things may not work out, you may get downgraded to being a casual date and a girl he text messages occasionally. It pays to pay close attention to a mans dating behavior and it pays to proceed with a certain amount of caution. Don’t let yourself fall in fast for a man you meet online. If he looks too good to be true, he may in fact be too good to be true. Think about who you are meeting, your safety both physical and emotional, and make decisions to become involved romantically carefully. No matter how much caution you exercise, you can still wind up with a few discouraging experiences. You won’t be the first women, and you won’t be the last to find yourself in relegated to a text message. Texting is a new pit stop on the relationship high way.

Always consider that you do not know how many woman a man is dating when you first meet him. If you are internet dating you may come across men that are playing the field with several women. If you find yourself mostly communicating with your date via text message, you may not be the only woman he is texting. It is sad but true, that a man who mostly texts you has a very poor prognosis for being interested in a relationship with you. Phone calls, real dates, and regular interactions are always the best indictors that a man is truly and solely interested in you. If you find yourself texting with your internet dream man, realize that you could be dealing with a prolific dater. Unfortunately and more often than not, you aren’t his only option.


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