So your boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with you and now your heart is broken? Understandable, particularly if you really were completely into your ex and now have to deal with their rejection and abandonment of you. It is disappointing and hard on the ego when you have to face rejection. Some people take a hurtful breakup on the chin but others can’t cope as well.
In a normal scenario, you’ll go through stages of upset and anger will turn to sadness then acceptance and you move on. Unfortunately however, sometimes you can’t make it so easily through the phases and you become obsessed with your ex. Whether its ongoing curiosity about who your ex is dating, or plotting and planning to get your ex back, you just remain in limbo stuck on your ex.
Stalking behaviors will get you nowhere. If you want the person back then you mustn’t act like a stalker as it will scare them. If you don’t want the person back you mustn’t stalk them or you are likely to get yourself in serious trouble. You might want to read up on obsessive relationships because most practical advice will be to stay away from the person. Don’t contact them and leave them alone. After a few months have passed you’ll have control of yourself and can decide whether you wish to contact them again about a possible reconciliation.
If you are doing several or more of the obsessive behaviors listed below, you are treading into stalker territory and simply must get a grip. Many people snoop social profiles or dating profiles from time to time to see what their ex is up to. It’s not a good idea, but least you aren’t directly harassing them. Just know that your compulsion for snooping is always a sign of obsession so watch yourself as common snooping can quickly get way out of hand. The most important thing you must do is to stop making unwanted contact with your ex.
If you ex makes it clear you are not to contact them you should respect their wishes. If you think you can convince them otherwise you might continue to try and break through and make them talk it out with you. This is a mistake. Don’t push your ex. Listen to what they say and leave them alone. If after a few weeks or months you want to reach out and contact them with a simple message then you can do so without looking as though you are disrespecting their stated desire to be left alone. Continual contact after they’ve said no is total disrespect and selfish too. If your ex wishes to be left alone you must listen.
Obsessive text messaging them
If you are texting or emailing your ex many times a day out of hurt, frustration, anger or begging forgiveness you need to stop. Your ex knows you are upset yet they expect you to grow up and deal with it. If they receive constant texts from you they will tune out the content and just become scared of you overall. If your ex has asked you to stop texting, is systematically ignoring your texts, goes ballistic with Leave me Alone texts whenever you text them, or has gone to the extreme of blocking your number with their phone carrier you need to leave them alone!
Obsessive phone calls
If you are obsessively calling their phone and leaving messages you must stop. This is harassment and will force your ex to have to screen their calls. It’s obvious if they don’t want to talk to you and you must leave them alone. Calling them from restricted numbers just to hear them pick up the phone is obsessive too. Don’t make real calls, don’t leave voice mails, and don’t make phony phone calls where you just hang up. If you want to appear normal to your ex then how can you possibly justify pushing them to the point of their having to literally change their phone number because of you!
Social profile snooping
Social profile snooping is something where you track what your ex is doing online. Technically it is less harmless than bothering them directly with contact. But don’t minimize the dangers of snooping on your ex. If you constantly look at when they were last online or who their friends are or what they are doing, it increases the chances you will snap.
So you might think silent snooping is OK because you aren’t bothering them in a direct manner but the problem with silent snooping is that whatever you encounter is likely to fan the flames of your emotions. The more you snoop the more you stay obsessed the more likely you are to behave irrationally and start up unwanted contact. For example, if you see them adding new friends to facebook you might get consumed with jealousy and start writing them about how upset you are. Snooping often leads to granules of information or photographic data of them dating others that inspires you to start contacting or harassing them again when you shouldn’t.
A perfect example is that your ex claims they aren’t dating anyone new and then boom you see them with someone new in a blatant facebook photo so you snap and start a stream or rant of angry contact with them. Big mistake! Practical advice is to try your best to not watch what your ex is doing. It’s likely to drive you crazy and lead to nowhere good so why torture yourself by snooping?
Creating fake profiles
If you are creating fake profiles to still be in touch with your ex without them knowing it is you then that is sign of continued obsession. Both women and men often employ such strategies once their ex blocks them from social networks. For example, if your ex unfriends you on face book you might employ a friend to friend them in order to give you the ability to snoop their profile without them knowing it. Or, you might create a fake facebook profile and then friend them.
Another popular obsessive move is when you create a fake dating profile and start communicating with your ex under the guise of being someone else. This also is a big no-no as it fuels more and more obsession and keeps you engaged with your ex in a totally unhealthy way. People often re-friend their ex as a new person or create fake dating profiles. It sounds outlandish but its fairly common. If you find yourself doing this then recognize it is a sign of unhealthy obsession. Just stop. Stop snooping and divert focus on yourself not what your ex is up to.
Stalking is stalking. Looking up your ex on spokeo or peoplefinder or another locate site is one thing but just think if you actually start to play private investigator with the information you uncover. Bad news! If you find yourself driving by your ex’s place or following them or having your friends follow them or showing up where they are at out of the so-called blue, then you are out of the virtual territory and into real life stalking. Don’t do it. If you stalk your ex you might wind up with a police report or even a restraining order not to mention that your ex will hate your guts for pushing them to the point of having to take legal action to get you to stop.
Guilty of any of the above? Leave your ex alone!
Weirdly, if you really feel your ex was the one then you actually are a person that could potentially get them back. Obviously they have to want to try again with you, but much of it depends on how you act. If you become a stalker you will damage your chances. If you become too obsessed on your ex and can’t leave them alone they will start to view you as a psycho stalker and it will be harder and harder to get them back. Emotional instability will scare them. No one wants to deal with an emotionally unstable person.
If you’ve been broken up with the best thing you can do is to get distance and perspective on the relationship. Don’t become a stalker and do more damage. How do you know if you are obsessed and not coping with the breakup well? Look for these signs: obsessive texting, phone calls, social network snooping, fake profiles, and following them in real life. If you are exhibiting several of the obsessive behaviors below you need to stop.
It might help to distract yourself with other projects, read self help books, or even see a counselor or talk to someone you trust to be level headed. Silly friends can sometimes encourage you to stalk or even engage in it with you. Be sure to get level headed advice and don’t let clueless friends goad you on to becoming a stalker.